Monthly Archives: December 2015

The Illusion of Safety

Dec 24, 2015 | Posted by in Everyday Jade | 0

A lover asked me recently if I need to feel safe to fall in love. I answered immediately that yes, I did. I was thinking about being in love with the men and women I have loved in my life, and how safety never entered my mind then – I simply fell in love, and what came after, came after. Sometimes it was heartbreak, sometimes it was a slow, gentle slide into love-that-was-more-friendship, sometimes it turned out to be a brief, intense flame that could not survive its own heat. But still, I never had regret, I never looked back and said, “I wish I’d been more cautious,” and I never hesitated to take the leap next time. I love much, I love often, I love with abandon, and usually without thought to the consequences. And then came Warren. Three months into what was supposed to be a “playpartners only”Read more …

Word Play

Dec 24, 2015 | Posted by in Kinky Stuff, Life Before | 0

It’s been awhile since I’ve had to think about how I define myself, about the meaning of certain words that we, as a community, use to define our roles; as well as (and sometimes as opposed to) how we, as individuals, define and label ourselves. I’ve always been a proponent of using labels – as a starting point. Humans need to be able to communicate with words, especially as so much communication takes place in text and as so much of our lifestyle depends on the definitions of roles. One way to embark on effective communication about who you are is to find a word to use as a starting point and discuss what it means to you, individually, and how that mirrors – or differs from – their definition. Thus, labels. W and I had several years to discuss, hash out and refine what we meant when we saidRead more …

Do something nice every day

Dec 24, 2015 | Posted by in Everyday Jade | 0

Saturday was a “me” day. Yoga, a hair appointment, shopping, walking the dog in his favorite place to run, a little bit of “guided imagery” followed by a very nice orgasm. Or two. “Do something nice every day,” my therapist had said. That won’t be hard, I thought. Random Acts of Kindness, right? Well, except for the part about writing it down. I would feel self-conscious about writing down what I had done, even if only for myself to read. (He wants me to keep a daily log of things, like diet and mood and exercise and sleep – and this.) “For yourself,” he clarified. Afterwards he said he wished he had had a camera, to record the uncomprehending look on my face. “For myself? Every day? What good will that do?” He laughed. “Just do it. One nice thing, consciously, for yourself, every day.” So yesterday I bought aRead more …

Blurred Lines

Dec 24, 2015 | Posted by in Everyday Jade, Kinky Stuff, Life Before | 0

Who am I without him? No, I am not asking in the way that I did in those first dark days when the question was actually, “how do I live my life without him in it”…I’m asking it as an honest exploration of self, of what it means to be me…me without him to reflect off of, me with only myself to answer to, me as a woman, as a submissive, as a kinky person, as an “s” without a “D”. As a single submissive. How much of what I desired, of what I wanted in BDSM and in sex, was really wanted I wanted, as opposed to what he wanted? I wanted what he wanted. I wanted to be what he wanted me to be. I was a reflection of his desire, of his need, of his Dominance. I was the creature he had created. That is what itRead more …

Lessons Everywhere

Dec 24, 2015 | Posted by in Everyday Jade, Life Before | 0

This morning a friend on FB sent me an an article, The Grief of Pain. Beautiful, tragic, poignant. Definitely worth the read. In it the author, a teacher, discusses the movie “Up” and its theme of coming to terms with grief with his students, even as he himself learns to deal with tragedy in his own life. This: “…overcoming grief is not about forgetting the past ever happened, thereby erasing what had come before. Instead, the process of grieving is meant to teach us how to fashion a new life in altered circumstances — one that is not less meaningful, just different. The life after grief is not a shadow of what might have been, nor is it second best. The life after grief runs parallel to the life abandoned, and it is as full of beauty and tragedy as any other of the many lives we might have lived.” Wow, lessonsRead more …

Silence

Dec 24, 2015 | Posted by in Everyday Jade, Life Before | 0

I’ve written about silence a time or twelve in my blog before, but always in the context of the BDSM play…being gagged, being told to be silent. It was hot, it was exciting, it could be humiliating, it could be a huge turn-on. I loved it, because I love to talk, and having my voice taken from me is powerful. Since W’s death, silence has a new meaning for me. I used to work in silence, all day. When I worked from my home office, I never turned on the TV, didn’t play music and even kept the sound off on my laptop. There was no one home for 8 hours a day but me and the dog, and I didn’t visit with neighbors. Same thing when I was working at my old office. Coworkers referred to my office as my cave because I’d disappear into it and not comeRead more …

Holding a space for grief and peace at the same time

Dec 24, 2015 | Posted by in Life Before | 0

I’ve been invited to M & V’s house they just bought at the Lake of the Ozarks for the weekend, and I am sitting in my room here, looking out at my deck into the trees beyond, filled with gratitude for being allowed to experience this. It is so peaceful here. A balm to my raw, ragged emotions of the past few weeks. Tall, green trees surround the house, standing like sentinels, guarding this space, holding it still and safe. My bedroom looks out into their midst, my deck like a treehouse in the green. The water, just beyond, is like glass, the rising sun glimmering on its surface. There is an owl somewhere just beyond my bedroom, his voice mournful and inquisitive. Last night we went over to friends of theirs, on the other side of the lake. The busy side. It was fun, and I can see whatRead more …

This is me without W

Dec 24, 2015 | Posted by in Life Before | 0

I don’t have the energy to detail everything that has changed so abruptly in my life…it’s too much and still too painful to treat like a piece of prose, like a blog entry. Some of you know the details, those that don’t and continue to read here will probably read about it all in bits and pieces in the coming months. Suffice it to say, by way of explanation for my absence from Fetlife, from kink, from blogging, from social media (if explanation is needed) that my beloved W, WoodDemon, passed away unexpectedly in March after a sudden, catastrophic illness. As sometimes happens with families after the sudden demise of a family member who was involved in “alternative” relationships, his family, who I had been close to before, excommunicated and demonized my other partner HandsOn (Adam) and I. They refused to let us see him as he lay dying inRead more …

This is my medicated life

Dec 24, 2015 | Posted by in Everyday Jade, Life Before | 0

Well, not really. This is the addendum to K&P. What came “after.” I don’t have the heart to post it there, to see all that was, every time I come here, so I have created this space. I don’t know what the future of this space is. Will I one day want to post kinky stuff, sexy stuff? Will I ever be sexy or kinky again? Adam and I had sex tonight. The second time since all this started more than two months ago. I came, and I cried. I don’t know how to make a new start. Tomorrow is W’s memorial. This is not the “official” one, with his family, that will happen sometime later on Cape Cod, where he will be buried. I am not invited to that one. This is for “us” – me, Ad, my daughter and son, all his kinky friends. The people and lifeRead more …

Being in the NOW

Dec 24, 2015 | Posted by in Everyday Jade, Life Before | 0

I don’t know how to stop thinking “what if.” What if we’d caught it sooner. What if I hadn’t gone to the dog house. What if I’d gone to the Urgent Care with him. What if I hadn’t been so busy, so distracted. And now I am caught in this maelstrom of regret and wishes-in-hindsight and “what-ifs”, when I am supposed to be in the NOW. Accepting that this is what is. This is our life now. But I just don’t know how to do that.