I have a daily task given to me by V: to update my blog with a “kitten” (hentai catgirl) in the homepage widget that you may have noticed in the sidebar. Those of you that followed me from Kink & Poly may remember W’s, Ad’s and my foray into “pet” play – there was Onyx, my show pony, and Topaz, my wild pony. We had a lot of fun with my ponies. Onyx, in particular, was born directly out of W’s and my dynamic, a melding of two distinct kinks into one shared by both of us.
I loved bringing Onyx out for W; she personified a part of me that – prior to Onyx – I had never allowed to come out. She gave me the freedom to preen and show-off, to prance and dance and to feel pretty and be an exhibitionist. W loved this about Onyx, and he loved that she gave that to me, even if pony play (of that sort) didn’t trip his kink triggers particularly. I believe the best D/s dynamics do this – allow for an expression of each person’s desires and needs, even if they don’t exactly mirror each other’s. The myth of it all being one way – the Dominant’s – is just that, a myth, at least if the partners hope to stay together for the long-term, or to have a relationship that is more than just play.
Having said that, I also acknowledge in myself (and have seen in other submissives) a tendency to mold and shape myself to meet my Dominant’s desires, to take on – and even subsume myself to -their interests, both kink and, to a lesser degree, vanilla.
Which is not to say that I lose my identity. I would hope that my identity is why he/she was interested in me in the first place. And I know that many times what I have brought to the relationship, as far as interests go, my D-type will often explore, even if they weren’t interested in it in the first place. Sometimes it turns out to be something they really enjoy. Sometimes not so much, like my love of stockings and garter-belts was for W. (Though he still allowed me the freedom to wear them when I chose.) And sometimes, like pony play, there is a place of compromise, a melding of our two kinks into something that works for us both. But, more commonly, I follow my Dominant’s lead, and shape myself to his pleasure. For example I love stockings, yes, but if he doesn’t get a hard-on over them, then wearing them isn’t quite so pleasurable for me. Being submissive, for me, is about being everything that they want and desire and fulfilling their needs. In that way I feel fulfilled.
Which brings us back to “kitten.” V calls me his kitty, his kitten. This is both roleplay – and not. It started out because he has a love of porn in comics and illustrations. I soooo do not. Give me real live bodies any day. But there is a place that a kink of mine – tentacle porn – works better in illustrations than in “real” life, although I didn’t know it until I met V. Before him I only had an image in my head, based on some anime porn that I’d run across. When I told V of this kink, he pointed me to *many* instances of it, and I realized that it *could* be a trigger for my arousal. (That and computer animations.) That encouraged me to try to find other animations and drawings that turned me on, driven, in no small part, by me wanting to please *him*. And that’s how I found the hentai catgirls, and discovered the kitten inside of me. His approval of her and desire to own her clicked with my own needs and desires so well that when it happened – when I became *his* kitten – it was as natural for me (and him, I believe) as being his submissive is.
Interestingly, “kitten” is not as deep a pet headspace as Onyx was, because, although there is an element of pet play in it, I am still a cat*GIRL*. But in some ways it is more pervasive, as I am his kitten whether or not I “playing” kitten, in a way that Onyx never could have been. Being kitten does allow me to play in ways that being Jade does not though, similar to the way Onyx did for me, and I anticipate, if we roleplay that much in the future, there will be times when being kitten will be more about petplay than a relationship dynamic.