Chameleon

I have a daily task given to me by V: to update my blog with a “kitten” (hentai catgirl) in the homepage widget that you may have noticed in the sidebar. Those of you that followed me from Kink & Poly may remember W’s, Ad’s and my foray into “pet” play – there was Onyx, my show pony, and Topaz, my wild pony. We had a lot of fun with my ponies. Onyx, in particular, was born directly out of W’s and my dynamic, a melding of two distinct kinks into one shared by both of us.

I loved bringing Onyx out for W; she personified a part of me that – prior to Onyx – I had never allowed to come out.  She gave me the freedom to preen and show-off, to prance and dance and to feel pretty and be an exhibitionist. W loved this about Onyx, and he loved that she gave that to me, even if pony play (of that sort) didn’t trip his kink triggers particularly. I believe the best D/s dynamics do this – allow for an expression of each person’s desires and needs, even if they don’t exactly mirror each other’s. The myth of it all being one way – the Dominant’s – is just that, a myth, at least if the partners hope to stay together for the long-term, or to have a relationship that is more than just play.


Having said that, I also acknowledge in myself (and have seen in other submissives) a tendency to mold and shape myself to meet my Dominant’s desires, to take on – and even subsume myself to -their interests, both kink and, to a lesser degree, vanilla.

Which is not to say that I lose my identity. I would hope that my identity is why he/she was interested in me in the first place. And I know that many times what I have brought to the relationship, as far as interests go, my D-type will often explore, even if they weren’t interested in it in the first place. Sometimes it turns out to be something they really enjoy. Sometimes not so much, like my love of stockings and garter-belts was for W. (Though he still allowed me the freedom to wear them when I chose.) And sometimes, like pony play, there is a place of compromise, a melding of our two kinks into something that works for us both. But, more commonly, I follow my Dominant’s lead, and shape myself to his pleasure. For example I love stockings, yes, but if he doesn’t get a hard-on over them, then wearing them isn’t quite so pleasurable for me. Being submissive, for me, is about being everything that they want and desire and fulfilling their needs. In that way I feel fulfilled.

Which brings us back to “kitten.” V calls me his kitty, his kitten. This is both roleplay – and not. It started out because he has a love of porn in comics and illustrations. I soooo do not. Give me real live bodies any day. But there is a place that a kink of mine – tentacle porn – works better in illustrations than in “real” life, although I didn’t know it until I met V. Before him I only had an image in my head, based on some anime porn that I’d run across. When I told V of this kink, he pointed me to *many* instances of it, and I realized that it *could* be a trigger for my arousal. (That and computer animations.) That encouraged me to try to find other animations and drawings that turned me on, driven, in no small part, by me wanting to please *him*. And that’s how I found the hentai catgirls, and discovered the kitten inside of me. His approval of her and desire to own her clicked with my own needs and desires so well that when it happened – when I became *his* kitten – it was as natural for me (and him, I believe) as being his submissive is.

Interestingly, “kitten” is not as deep a pet headspace as Onyx was, because, although there is an element of pet play in it, I am still a cat*GIRL*. But in some ways it is more pervasive, as I am his kitten whether or not I “playing” kitten, in a way that Onyx never could have been. Being kitten does allow me to play in ways that being Jade does not though, similar to the way Onyx did for me, and I anticipate, if we roleplay that much in the future, there will be times when being kitten will be more about petplay than a relationship dynamic.
On the other hand, being a catGIRL, as opposed to a pet kitten, allows for some kinky play on the edge of being animal/pet/human, that being deeply in Onyx did not allow for. The thought of V pushing me face down on the bed, grabbing my tail and fucking me from behind is something that never would have happened to Onyx, for instance, but that I fantasize about frequently.
This also brings us to another instance of sharing kinks. As I mentioned above, I am supposed to update the “daily kitten” widget every day, but didn’t, for one reason or another, for three or four days. We’ve talked – albeit briefly – about having a punishment or disciplinary element to our dynamic. I have a strong need for knowing I am being held accountable and I also like being “punished” for being sassy (I am probably a mesh between punishment and funishment.) As far as I know, this is not an element that V has had in his kink relationships before, but he indicated an interest when we talked about it. Will that be something that we explore together in future? I guess that remains to be seen, but in any case I’m enjoying this new journey of discovery…I’m enjoying discovering myself all over again.

Comments

  1. Brandy Nicole

    My original scene name was chameleon so the title alone jumped out at me. Like you, I took a very brief foray into pony play, coming at an event as Snickerdoodle the show pony. I only did it once but it was very fulfilling for me. Maybe again someday, who knows. I remember seeing photos of you in your pony gear (I believe it was Onyx) and I remember how envious I felt that you could live that out. Greywolf only came out with my pony once and it did nothing for him -even though he reveled in the praise he received for having such a beautiful pony- so we didn’t do it again. Venturing back into relationships with strong D/s dynamics has been hard for me as over the last 4 years I’ve begun to identify as a little and have been allowing ‘her’ to show herself more and more with someone I’m dating. He too calls me kitten and treats me as his kitten. It’s a huge adjustment for a formally trained puppy girl (who hasn’t been kept as a pup for many many years). Still, the way you describe your need to adapt to ‘him’ as opposed to sticking to one set way of thinking makes me smile. I’m very much the same way (which is what earned me the name chameleon in the first place). I love everything about this post and again, I’m happy to see you healing and growing and living again.

    Reply
    1. Jade Post author

      “Chameleon” seems to suit a lot of submissives, doesn’t it? And I remember seeing your pony – I pointed you out to W. He was as impressed as I was. :-)

      Reply

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