Loneliness & Other Failures

Loneliness is a hard nut to crack. It’s not as easy as “spend time with people” – I’ve spent a good part of my life lonely in the middle of a crowd. It’s not as easy as “spend time with your significant other” – I spent a good portion of my second marriage feeling lonely. Not even the old standby “you have to love yourself!” erases it – I don’t believe this is about loving myself or not.

So what is it about? Why do I feel lonely sitting in a bar at a munch while everyone drinks and laughs and talks; or at a play party watching everyone around me engaging with each other joy and abandon? Why do I feel lonely at times as I lay next to a lover after play, physically satiated but filled with a longing I can’t place? Why did I feel lonely last night with Adam sleeping next to me, and yet most of the day I was alone and happy that way?

Loneliness is a beast I cannot seem to slay; it’s an emotion that strikes in the oddest moments; it’s an ache I can’t assuage.

And this is going to sound perverse, but sometimes, as this horrible year of “firsts” – firsts without him – has passed, loneliness has replaced missing him. 

It hurts to even admit that. And it’s not true in the larger sense. Fuck I miss him. His smile, his laugh, his “book reports,” his quiet presence, his arms around me in the middle of the night. I miss our walks and our talks, I miss sitting next to him at some bar or other, sipping whiskey and debating whatever it was we were debating that week. I miss planning our next trip, our house renovations, our lives together.

Gah. This is hard. But this isn’t about all that, at least not directly.

 

What do I mean that I think feeling lonely sometimes takes the place of missing him? It’s just this: he used to be there for me. When I was lonely, when I needed to talk, when I needed connection – there he was, whatever time of night or day. It was a role that he filled, a need that he fulfilled, as well as being himself. I don’t have anyone that fills that place in my life now. And when I am feeling needy in that way and don’t have someone in my life that can be there that way, I recognize that it’s not necessarily W that I am missing, but having someone in that role.

I get that I’m fucking needy and selfish. Maybe I’m the only one, I don’t know. Do normal people need this much from other people? I know that I have a very high need for connection – that is why I feel lonely at times in those situations above. But I never thought it was “too much.” I found someone that was happy – and able – to be there, never making me feel that I was asking too much of him, of his time, of his attention.

I don’t have that now. I know I want too much of V’s time and attention at times, and I know he doesn’t have it to give to me. In fairness I do try very hard not to ask for too much, too often, because I know that it’s not fair to do so. I know the boundaries and parameters of our relationship.

But I am also cautious because when I do and get turned down (like last night) I end up feeling rejected and resentful.

I know that this was not and is not selfishness on V’s part. He has a primary relationship and a family that W didn’t have. That makes all the difference. But my feelings are still my feelings, and I’m still learning to navigate and to adjust to this new style of relationship.

I don’t really know what do with this. I’m not writing to figure it out, I guess. I’m just writing…about my life now. About what this new life of mine looks like. Maybe I’ll figure out how to “solve” this issue…or maybe not. I don’t know.

*************************************************

In other failures, I have to ‘fess up about my inability to keep up with the February Photofest. I have some images from February 19, but that’s it. That’s right…the only February Photofest images I’ve managed to get recently were on last Friday. And even those I don’t want to post, because there is nothing beautiful or attractive or erotic about them. They are just snaps on my cell phone that I’m sure only V (might) want to see.

I will say that playing with V during this meme has been very enjoyable…but I’ve been feeling guilty about not being able to take them daily and also… unimpressed with my images. I’m not a photographer and I’m sick of my lame attempts to produce something beautiful and erotic. I obviously overcommitted myself when I embarked on the Photofest, and overestimated my photography “skills.” I thought it would be an easy way to kick my blogging into high gear again, and, in many ways, it did: I’ve been writing more this month than I have in over a year. But the reality is that I just can’t keep up with a daily photo, either taking one or posting it, and I don’t like what I end up with for the most part anyway.

The bottom line (for the moment) is that if I can manage it, I’ll create an image, and if I like it and can manage the time to do so, I’ll post it. But I wouldn’t count on it. My apologies in advance.

Comments

  1. Molly

    Firstly, do not worry about febphotofest. Make of it what you will and can and enjoy it for that.

    Secondly, I completely get the lonely thing. I never found that person with anyone before Michael. Now I have that person, the one who as you say, is always there. Sometimes when I got out to dinner with my friends, I have a good time, but I also feel lonely and I miss him. It sounds crazy, but it is true and so I completely understand everything you have written here. I don’t think you sound needy at all. I think you sound like me, someone who needs that deep strong connection that binds you tightly to a person.

    Mollyxxx

    Reply
  2. Velvet Rose

    Jade I hear your pain and I know that pain from my perspective. Try to not beat yourself up too much you have to work through your grief and feelings in your own way.

    Things will not always go to plan and that is ok. You will get there lovely lady just take each day one at a time. If a day is too much then just take an hour or a minute at a time.

    You will find your way it just feels like wading through treacle at the moment but you will get there.

    Love and hugs

    Velvet x

    Reply
    1. Jade Post author

      Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, sometimes it does feel like “wading through treacle.” At times I’m just flat-out exhausted.

      Reply
  3. Robert

    Enjoyed the frankness of your post. I saw you do a hysterical recipe post and thought it was very erotic, but at the same time you seemed very real … you as a person was front and center the orgasm in the background. You struck me as a little sad and I came here and read this post. .. I’m rambling. I understand the need for connection. I think we all need connection, some of us have just suppressed it more than others. Hugs.

    Reply
    1. Jade Post author

      I love that you came over from the ecstatic recipes video! It was so much fun to make. I hope that you will enjoy reading here…I promise it’s not all moping…it’s just this month that’s been so hard. I am hoping to shake off the blues and get back to my kinky self soon!

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *