I’ve had the weekend to mostly to myself, while Adam’s been working and Viper has his family in town. It hasn’t been bad; I’ve found I enjoy my free time, as well the time I have alone here at the Treehouse. I have surprised myself by enjoying my quiet time, and by allowing myself to simply experience the solitude, to experience the occasional pang of loneliness and nostalgia without judgement, to be here, to be present. It’s a study in mindfulness I would not have thought possible a year ago, or even before W died, when being alone was something to be avoided at all costs. Now…sometimes…many times…I crave it. I like sleeping alone in my big, soft, bed. I like waking up and doing my morning things in the still dawn, with no one else’s needs or desires to think about. I like sitting on my deck with my dog at my feet, planning my day, with no one to answer to.
(Except okay, reality is (and that I love) I do have “controls” in place. A task list for the weekend that I drew up, but that V knows about and monitors. I am required to keep him appraised of my progress, and expected to report on it to him throughout the weekend, even when we are not together. But within those boundaries, my weekend is free to construct as I see fit.)
Anyway, one of my projects this weekend was to go through and organize my own Scavenger Hunt picture files. I’ve got…well…quite a few from when W and I were together. And now I have new ones from Ad and I and even V and I. I hadn’t gone through the ones from before because they are interspersed with all the other images – the hundreds and hundreds of pictures W took of our playtimes. It was too painful. But…this weekend…I decided to take the plunge.
We’re in the middle of other renovations…
So why not do a little excavation in my pictures files?
I got to thinking about some of the “quiet time” I had with W in times past, and how I used to spend my days there, when we weren’t on one of our weekend rambles. I had a lot of quiet time with him, time that I was able to write, with him on his desktop and me on my laptop across from him.
Of course then there were times when quiet writing time was also playtime…
Remember Sexretary Days?
This, of course, was what happened to bad sexretaries…
My time with Viper is, of necessity, very different. Most of the time, when I’m with Viper, we aren’t alone, and we certainly don’t have the opportunity to play the way that W and I did. Although I spend a lot of time at their house, there is little downtime for writing, composing or playing. We’re always talking, debating and discussing, things, or we’re engaged with his wife or daughter. These are not bad things – I need the interaction – but I have realized how different the time that I spend with him is and how much I need that downtime (and playtime!) W and I had times of intense discussion interspersed with play-time, or time that was quiet work-time. Now I only get my quiet time, time that I can write and think, when I retreat to the Treehouse.
So. Long story long, I’ve learned to relish “my” time, time that I get to choose what I do – and actually go out and do things again! – and to protect that time. Do I wish that I could share more of it with V? Sure. And I love it when Ad comes along on my rambles. But I’m learning to enjoy it just as much on my own. I don’t have a choice of course – I don’t have a partner like W anymore – but in some ways, I think this was one of those unexpected blessings. Learning to enjoy just hanging out with me.
But this post isn’t about my alone time, and where or how I get it. It’s about walking down memory lane as I excavate these Scavenger Hunts. Because I can’t just post the images without telling their stories. It’s the adventures that we had while getting the pictures that matter.
Am I ready to remember those stories? To walk down those streets, to live in those moments again? Honestly, I don’t know. Sometimes I don’t want to recount the past. I mean…it’s the past. Now I have new adventures to talk about. But still…they are a part of me. And they are Scavenger Hunt scores, so I can’t just abandon them, can I? (Heh.) So we’ll see.
Watch this space for more.