(Ed. note: This was started the weekend of my birthday weekend, when we went to Gatlinburg. As usual, life has intervened in me getting this posted in a timely fashion, but, well, better late than never?)
It’s 1 a.m. here, and I’m sitting at my little round table-for-two in front of the patio window, the door open so I can hear the breeze soughing through the trees, sipping on a rumchata and vodka. I just walked in about a half hour ago from a perfectly lovely weekend in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, with Adam and a group of friends at a cabin (they included V and his wife, E.) It’s so peaceful here. I thought all the way home that I’d be sad and lonely, when we finally got home and Adam went over to the Big Condo and V was home with his wife. But instead as soon as I walked in the door I was filled with peace and contentment. I love my place. It’s small, bright and tidy, even with the basket of laundry in one corner, my school work on the table, and a pile of “sexy” clothes on the foot of the bed. It’s me, this place, and it fills me with…well, I already said it: peace. Gratitude. Contentment.
It was my and one of my friend’s birthday weekend – a happy accident of planning – and though I think much debauchery was hoped for, it was actually an almost entirely vanilla time, in spite of naked hot tubbing, bags of toys, and a cabin full of kinky-as-fuck folks.
Oh, and those birthdays, right?
I did manage to get a birthday spanking the night of, but only because I handed the paddle to Adam once we went to our bedroom and asked for it specifically. Then the next night I got a hand spanking by V, but again, I think that was more out of a sense of obligation than a desire to play. Or maybe he was sick of my hints that I desperately needed a spanking, lol. Not getting a sound round of birthday spankings was a little disappointing, to be honest, but you can’t turn a dial on everyone’s energy level, and it was so mellow that a rousing game of Cards Against Humanity was the most energy we could muster. The dynamics between V and I were a little off anyway, so it was probably best that it didn’t turn into a play party.
Well, not best, but it was okay.
Hmm, no, that’s not quite right – it was more than okay, it was an absolutely lovely time. I think if I’d had more expectations of play I might have been more disappointed, but I really practiced hard just being in the moment, leaving expectations behind and enjoying things for what they were. And what they were was…
Love and friendship and laughter and warmth. Good food, cooking together, teasing and laughing and floating naked in the hottub with other lovely naked people. It was hiking as a group for 5 miles to see a waterfall, twos and threes and fours ebbing and flowing, grouping and regrouping, more laughter, more talk, bodies sweaty and faces alight with pleasure and the simple joy of being present, of being there, with these people, people who love each other and trust each other and make each other’s lives just a little bit more liveable, more joyful, more MORE of all the things. It was a hike in the early dawn with E on a trail that led through the woods like a fairytale path. It was tasting moonshine til I was tipsy enough to brave the Skylift up the side of the mountain and playing Pokemon at the top while looking out over the valley. It was all that, and more.
Dynamics are tricky things though, aren’t they? In mono relationships, and tenfold more in poly ones. Then add in the the D/s dynamic and, well – yikes – it can get bumpy in my head, and a bit confusing. Am I V’s kitty when it’s clearly a couples weekend? How do I interact with him as his submissive when we are two-by-two, he with his wife and me with Adam? When we go out locally together I try to give them space, respect that they are the couple and I’m the add-on, though V often interacts with me in loving and dominant ways. How does that translate though when it’s an entire weekend together? I wanted to give them their space, not make her feel that I was encroaching on their weekend together, but I wanted some of his undivided attention as well. I wanted love and snuggles and sexy energy and his dominance. I wanted it to be our weekend as well as theirs. But I didn’t want to intrude on their weekend together, and I didn’t know what the rules regarding interaction were. Are my standing orders still in place when we’re in that kind of situation? Would it have been okay to ask for some private time with him?
My relationship history surely played a part in my conflicted feelings as well: I’ve been used to being in a three, in a triad. Long before Warren came along, I said that my ideal relationship configuration is a three, in a triad with a couple. Before Warren I had always assumed that would be me with a M/F couple. I like being secondary in that dynamic. Then when things came together with W and Adam, I realized I really liked having two male primaries who were also friends. I liked going out with both of them at the same time, being known as a three, sleeping and keeping house with both of them. And that was what I had for seven years. It was easy and natural.
But I am not in a triad with V, even when I am with him and E. She and I have our own, separate, dynamic – close, loving, friends, occasional play partners, even more occasional lovers, definite chemistry when we play – but that doesn’t translate to a “three” between her, me and V in the same way. We all love each other, but they are the couple, and I am his girlfriend. When we are together I am part of their family, and we are all friends. Sometimes I am her play partner. But I am not their girlfriend. And he and I and Adam are obviously not a triad either. So, for this weekend, we were two couples, and though there was an occasional kiss, a hair pull here or there, and one half of an afternoon when E went off on her own for awhile, there was very little intimate or playful interaction between V and I. We flirted a little and teased occasionally, but no more than I would have with anyone that I had a play relationship with. It certainly wasn’t our Owner/kitty or Dominant/submissive dynamic. In fact it was the first weekend since we established those roles that I felt completely and utterly untethered by them. I even pushed at him a bit, to see what kind of a reaction I’d get, to see if he would enforce the rules, but he didn’t seem to have any inclination to do so either. It confused me further, and made me think he would be uncomfortable with it, that in that context, it would be inappropriate. So…we were just lovers who happened to be spending the weekend together with our significant others.
So, since I wrote that, and neglected to post it because I wanted to process some pictures, I have had a very interesting evening with V, in which we discussed exactly those questions: what is expected of me in a situation like that? Ideally, I would have simply asked him when I was fretting about it. Or before I started fretting. Or, we would have had a discussion in which he clarified for me what his expectations were before we ever left. But I didn’t, and he didn’t, and the weekend was what it was. Not a disappointment by any means, but with a few lessons built in about future travel/time spent together.
And some lessons “taught” when we arrived home. But that’s probably better left for another blog post. ;-)
Meanwhile, here are some pictures of the gorgeous countryside we found ourselves in!
But wait, there’s more! Would it be any kind of vacation if I didn’t flash my titties a little?
And it just so happens that my post topic fits right in with Rebel’s Wicked Wednesday prompt, “Friends”! Go check out the rest of the WW submissions at the link below.