For a few years of Kink & Poly, I did a “First Line” retrospective, where, for my first post of the New Year, I quoted the first line of the first post each month of the previous year, sometimes interjecting a note here or there about it, or about where I was now in regards to it. Obviously, this year, I can’t do that. Nor do I think I’d want to.

The year wasn’t all bad, in fact there was a lot of joy and happiness to be had. But there was an awful lot of pain as well, misunderstandings, sadness and sorrow, growth and “learning opportunities,” too. I struggled a lot this past year, both emotionally and physically, and have come to realize that much of it – the emotional stuff – came from inside of me. So often I thought I had healed and was moving forward, staying in the here and now, ready to move on and stop living in the past. The past is gone, I told myself. All I have is now.

But that hasn’t really been the case. I realized the other night, as I lay in my bed alone and thought about the past year, that I had done no such thing.  I said the words, but I never internalized them. I never really let the past go. I’ve lived there in that loss as though the power of my sorrow could bring the past back, could make me whole again. But instead it has made me a shadow of my former self. It’s stolen my joy, my sense of wonder, of gratitude, of graciousness and optimism. It’s turned me into an emotional miser and made me into a person that acts in ways I’m ashsamed of. I don’t like the angry, damaged person I became this past year.  I want to move on… damn it I’m ready to move on. I’m ready to embrace life again. The problem is, do I know how? Am I ready to make a new start?

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Looking Forward, Looking Back

9 thoughts on “Looking Forward, Looking Back

  • January 5, 2017 at 3:19 pm
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    “I’ve lived there in that loss as though the power of my sorrow could bring the past back, could make me whole again. ” I love this line, and it’s like I just realized something about myself.
    So much of myself I could see in this. I’m so sorry for your loss, for your grief, for your struggles the last year.

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    • January 9, 2017 at 12:31 pm
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      I can’t imagine the pain and loss that you have gone through this past year. I have kept up intermittently on your blog, and been hopeful that you will see your way though to a place of peace as well.

      Thank you for taking the time to read here – and I am glad that something I said may have helped in some small way.

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  • January 5, 2017 at 8:07 pm
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    Sorry to hear how much you are still hurting, Jade. Maybe this is all part of the process of dealing what has happened. You are to the point where you want to get better, where you want to embrace life again, want to start anew. Maybe this post is the first step in the right direction.

    Sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts!

    Rebel xox

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    • January 9, 2017 at 12:32 pm
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      Thank you, Marie…maybe this is all part of moving through the grief and finding my way to the other side. I hope so.

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  • January 5, 2017 at 9:57 pm
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    My darling Jade

    You have truly been through hell this past couple of years. Experiences like that are bruising and tough and that is an understatement. I think it is perfectly normal that they would cloud your world but the key is that you have identified that and hopefully that means you can find your way forward to a more positive place

    Mollyxxx

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    • January 9, 2017 at 12:33 pm
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      Thank you Molly…I’m trying! I do think I’m moving forward again…I am hopeful at this moment. 🙂

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  • January 6, 2017 at 6:38 pm
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    Hugs! This has so much meaning not only to me but to someone we both love dearly.

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  • January 9, 2017 at 8:00 am
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    While I would not begin to compare my loss to yours, what I have reached, most of the time, is a place where I can look back at the time together and the joy of the experiences outweighs the pain of remembering the loss. The time and experiences together were too great and meaningful to “move on and forget the past”. It is and will always be a part of me and I’ve come to realize that I can’t lose those experiences without losing a part of myself. It took time, multiple passes through the stages of grief, a few rounds of depression, and a lot of soul searching and acceptance of reality. It has not been an easy path, but I have reached a point where I can look at images and smile again.

    For me time and acceptance of the loss have allowed me to reach where I am at now. I hope in time you may find your peace

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    • January 9, 2017 at 12:44 pm
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      Thank you for your kind words. I have found myself able to smile at my memories at last, and am so happy to have them, although sometimes they are still tinged with sadness and longing. I don’t want to ever forget of course – but I need to stop living IN the past, to stop longing for what once was. My life will never be that again, and no amount of longing will ever bring it back. I need to find an acceptance of that so that I can move forward into the life I *do* have, and enjoy it and live it fully. I think, maybe, I have reached the space where I can start to do that.

      Reply

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