For a few years of Kink & Poly, I did a “First Line” retrospective, where, for my first post of the New Year, I quoted the first line of the first post each month of the previous year, sometimes interjecting a note here or there about it, or about where I was now in regards to it. Obviously, this year, I can’t do that. Nor do I think I’d want to.
The year wasn’t all bad, in fact there was a lot of joy and happiness to be had. But there was an awful lot of pain as well, misunderstandings, sadness and sorrow, growth and “learning opportunities,” too. I struggled a lot this past year, both emotionally and physically, and have come to realize that much of it – the emotional stuff – came from inside of me. So often I thought I had healed and was moving forward, staying in the here and now, ready to move on and stop living in the past. The past is gone, I told myself. All I have is now.
But that hasn’t really been the case. I realized the other night, as I lay in my bed alone and thought about the past year, that I had done no such thing. I said the words, but I never internalized them. I never really let the past go. I’ve lived there in that loss as though the power of my sorrow could bring the past back, could make me whole again. But instead it has made me a shadow of my former self. It’s stolen my joy, my sense of wonder, of gratitude, of graciousness and optimism. It’s turned me into an emotional miser and made me into a person that acts in ways I’m ashsamed of. I don’t like the angry, damaged person I became this past year. I want to move on… damn it I’m ready to move on. I’m ready to embrace life again. The problem is, do I know how? Am I ready to make a new start?