It shouldn’t have happened, but after a perfectly lovely start to an evening out with Viper, we ended up in a huge fight. I could give reasons for my temper; explain how I was triggered, and, hurt, came out snarling and fighting, because that’s what I do when I’m hurt. But I won’t make excuses. There may be reasons, but nothing excuses my behabior.
Sometimes I feel like my life is a game of smoke and mirrors. One I am playing on myself as much as on my “audience.” I present myself to the world as one thing: a good person, loving, conscientious, giving; but I fear in my heart of hearts that the reality is far different. That deep down I’m this angry, damaged person. But I keep trying to fool the world, trying to fool myself. Even though I know my reactions didn’t happen in a vacuum, even though I know – and can even point to – specific negative behaviors by others that trigger negative responses in me, it’s still me in the end, saying the words, hurting the ones I love, and who love me. In the aftermath I’m sad, broken, filled with shame and regret. The pieces of my life all feel ragged, their edges no longer fitting together.
Or maybe they never did fit. Maybe my life has always been a game of smoke and mirrors, a sleight of hand, a grand deception played both on me and by me. Maybe this ugly, hurtful person is who I am.
I hope not. I don’t want to be.
I made a commitment to V in the aftermath: to be a better submissive, to be obedient, to stop fighting for control. To trust him. To trust his love for me.
But I also need to make a commitment to myself: to be a better human. To practice kindness, and forgiveness. To live in gratitude and to give the benefit of the doubt.