Memory Lane

I have resisted all week in writing about this week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt: “Memory Lane”. But I couldn’t keep my mind from going there. Such a dangerous place to go for me. Even thinking about it sends a quiver of dread, of anxiety, through me.

I live with my memories – with the pain of them – so close to the surface, even now.

Today, for some unknown reason, as I typed “November 1” in a document, my breath caught, tears blinded me. I don’t know why, or what triggered the response. I’m afraid to look back, to search for the source of the pain.

I keep thinking, berating myself, “Aren’t you the fuck over it yet?”

And yet I know I’m not.

I have dozens of Scavenger Hunts that I – we – completed…but I can’t bring myself to post them.

Even now, almost three years on, I just can’t do it.

I have so many wonderful memories, though.

Such joy, such passion, such love.

Little by little I can look at them, sideways, out of the corner of my eye, I can sneak up on them, feel the joy in them, before the sadness engulfs me. Before I remember…

How do you get over someone that filled your world? That defined it? That was your world?

Once upon a time I wrote story, about a race of people that had their memories carved from them, physically, by choice. That was before W died. Was it prescient? Would I have all memories of him excised from my flesh if I could?

Hurting, as I am now, I want to say (scream) YES…please, please take them from me. But.

But there is the me that later will treasure remembering…I hope…walking down Memory Lane.

 

To read other – probably much sexier, more wicked, more interesting and less depressing – posts in this week’s topic, click the rainbow.

 

 

Comments

  1. WhiteRabbit

    While I don’t begin to compare the depth of the relationship or the magnitude of the loss to yours, I can say that it is possible to reach a point where the joy of the memories outweighs the pain of the loss. There is no roadmap, but it can happen. In my case when I got by the “why me?”

    Reply
    1. Jade Post author

      Most times, now, it is the happy memories I recall, and I am so very very glad I have them. I got seven years of him, of us – he and I and Adam – and how incredibly blessed I/we were. This week has been hard, though, for some reason.

      Reply
  2. Indigo Byrd

    *hugs if permitted* it isn’t easy and you have a lot yet to do, but it sounds like you have started. Grief takes its own time but trust yourself to work your way through at your own pace. Regards, Indie xx

    Reply
  3. Vickie Brown

    You are a beautiful soul. Grief comes and goes. Sometimes out of the blue, a whiff of a passerby, the time of year, a song on the radio. I feel I have moved on, its been about twenty years for me. But man oh man some days it hits so hard it steals the breath out of me. You heal at your own pace, there is no time limit on grief. If anyone tells you different send them my way and i will correct their bad manners. I send blessings and peace to you. )o(

    Reply
    1. Jade Post author

      Thank you for your kind words. I think I know better than to apply a “it should” to this process, but then when it hits me like it does sometimes, I forget all that. I have to keep relearning it…but I guess that’s all part of the process too.

      Reply

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