It’s finally the end of summer for real; fall has moved in with its glorious colors and cool, crisp temperatures.
I wasn’t really ready to say goodbye.
I said goodbye to something else too, recently: a romantic relationship with RG. A couple weekends ago I told him how I was feeling. I told him that, although I wanted (very much) to feel a certain way about him, although I had tried to feel that way, I just didn’t. I didn’t feel romantic towards him, and couldn’t have a sexual/romantic relationship with him. There are a number of factors that went into that realization, but the one I shared with him is my lack of emotional availability. I thought I had it in me to love someone else romantically, but…I just don’t. Everything I have is so wrapped up in V, there isn’t room for anyone else, except Adam. I love RG – dearly – as a friend. And loving him so is what kept me from being honest before now, even when I knew that it just wasn’t there for me, that I couldn’t return his feelings for me: I didn’t want to lose that friendship. I think – hope – that I haven’t. But I also recognize and respect that he may need to disengage himself from me emotionally, and the last thing I want to do is to hurt him further by pressing for the friendship I value so much.
I had taken to sending him pictures occasionally, sometimes on my own, sometimes at his request. This image is the last one. He asked me to send him a picture of my feet in the water one day while I was at a party. It was a bright, happy picture, the clear blue water and my red toenails. But now, with summer at its end, it feels bittersweet, and, somehow, this way reflects my feelings more.
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