Whoa…it’s been awhile since I’ve had a bona fide case of subdrop. Long enough that I can’t really remember when it last was. I didn’t even drop after the event a few weekends ago, when I spent two full days and nights with both guys, got cut on, and beat up, and made to fuck a dragon cock in public while Viper shoved a glass dildo up my ass. Oh, and I happened to be wrapped up tight in neon pink vet-wrap so that I looked like an amputee. With a ballgag in my mouth and vet-wrap over my eyes too, up on a table where a dungeon full of kinksters could watch as I was made to fuck myself silly, grinding helplessly against Baldy, the dragon cock in my pussy and V pushing the glass wand in and out of my ass. It’s that part that is most embarrassing, really (although yeah, slobbering as I screamed into the gag and my body convulsed in one orgasm after another, that was pretty mortifying too. Oh, and being made to ask the people sitting in chairs BEHIND our scene…presumably watching what he was doing to my ass…if it was worth the price of admission? That was pretty priceless as far as humiliation goes too.) I’m super grateful for the blindfold, let me tell you, though the next kink event I go to I know I’m going to be wondering: Did she see me like that? Or he? Why are they looking at me? Is it because they saw it too??
It was a ridiculously hot scene, with Ad holding me up on the table on my bent-and-wrapped knees, my arms like chicken wings at my sides, a cat toy as a drop object in one hand, and V grinding that effing wand into my ass and Baldy against my clit until I think I had Baldy-burn. They both got a good chuckle out of the fact that I could have stopped the scene at any time – dropped the cat toy – but apparently in the middle of things my brain wasn’t firing on all cylinders and all I did was wave it around helplessly, ringing the bell. (Remember that movie in which there is a dinosaur with very short arms? Yeah, like that.) Later, we went back to our hotel room and I finally got my wish for a threesome with both guys – not only a threesome but a fairly successful DP! (I say “fairly” successful because neither guy came that way, but I sure did. But man, was my bum SORE the next day.) And then the next night they put me face down on a bench and took turns beating the sass out of me with all kinds of instruments of destruction – I was a bruised, gooey mess of a submidsive after that.
But no, all that didn’t cause me to drop in the days following. I didn’t even really have event drop – that feeling of displacement, of being in the wrong place when you’re back in the “real” world again. Maybe because I do live in that world in some ways? A world where I can be free with who I am, whom I love, what I do? There is nothing I hide, or need to hide, either at home with my roommate or Ad, or at Viper’s. Who and what we are – Owner/pet, Master/sub, Dominant/submissive, poly partners/a polycule – just…is. Of course I have to go to work, and yes, there I am not known as Kinky Jade. But I am more or less out as a poly person, and I feel very comfortable in my not-your-everyday-vanilla-person Jade skin.
So no, no event drop. And no subdrop. Which is why having it hit so hard today, when I’d only doesn’t my usual Monday night at V’s, seems so strange. Enough so that I didn’t realize what it was at first. We played last night, and YES I have some lovely bruises coming up(!), but it wasn’t any harder than we usually do. But dayum, this morning (when I started this post) I was really stumbling along. Now, my mood has lightened, but my body feels like it’s been tossed over Niagara Falls in a barrel.
Speaking of my body, I am well on my way to a full recovery of my shoulder surgery. I’m super pleased with the outcome – at 6 weeks I probably have 80% range-of-motion returned, and the pain I have left is due to, you know, getting pieces of my body cut open and rearranged, not the original rotator cuff injury. So – WIN! Now I need to get my lazy ass in motion again. Daily movement is imperative for my mental wellbeing. Even though I have finally found the right balance of mood stabilizers, and accept that yes, I do need them, still I know that I need exercise just as much.
That said, I’m trying to figure out how to handle my droppiness after I get off work tonight. In one of the good classes we attended at the event (there was one awful one that we walked out of), the presenter asked for some examples of how we administer self-care. This was in the context of poly relationships, and the loneliness that can sometimes accompany such relationships, but I often experience loneliness in conjunction with subdrop as well. It makes sense, since I am usually away from V when it hits – we don’t get to spend more than one night together at a time – and though I sometimes have Adam around during it, that’s not a given, so, oftentimes, I have to muddle through it on my own. Self-care is a pretty important thing.
Once upon a time, I (jokingly) said I was poly because I hated to be alone. But all joking aside, I am the first to admit that the statement was true at its core. And I just happened to fall into a relationship with two men that allowed me to not have to be alone, but who each liked their alone-time when I was with the other. We were a perfect fit that way. Although I knew our dynamic was special, I think I am only just now beginning to appreciate how special it was. The structure suited all of our disparate natures – and I wasn’t left feeling bereft and lonely in the grip of subdrop. It’s times like these that I wish there was some wiggle room in our relationship, that I could say, “Please, Daddy? I just need you to love away the subdrop tonight…” and he could be there.
But okay, there is something to be said for being far more capable and willing to be alone, for actually enjoying my alone-time, for the independence I have grown into.
So what does self-care look like for me? Tonight I pondered a long walk – two-and-a-half miles each way – to a restaurant I want to try, but that idea got shot down by the Owner:
Me: I thought about walking to a pizza place that has a guitar player tonight, in Soulard. It’s about 2.5 miles away
Him: You are not walking 5 miles in 35 degree weather
Me: I have a parka and gloves and mitt-mitts and a scarf
Him: I understand your words and no.
I don’t know why it makes me feel so…safe…so warm and loved and cared for, even when he is telling me I can’t do what I want, but it does.
Other options: Call out for green curry and snuggle Ad on the couch and watch Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries. Take a hot bath and then curl up in my snuggly warm bed with its comforter and piles of pillows and heated blanket and read til I fall asleep. Beg Daddy to let me give myself an orgasm – or to give me an orgasm challenge. Remote play sometimes helps. (And hmm, I am interested in the fact that I have now referred to him several times as “Daddy,” a moniker I seldom use…but just seems to fit how I feel about him and us right now, when I am in the midst of drop. I love that we can move so fluidly between dynamics, with the core dynamic never changing…) I could engross myself in homework. I could paint my bathroom. I could try to write for a Call for Submissions, or set up my writing calendar. (I could write in my blog – hey! that’s what I am doing.) I could go to the Y and swim, now that my shoulder is healing. I could take myself out to dinner or to a movie (wouldn’t that be a weird thing to do!) I could curl up in my armchair and crochet.
I have a dry erase board that I have all these things written on. To remind myself what self-care looks like when I am sad and lonely and forget.
So what will I do? I’m not sure. Adam just said he’s coming over tonight, so we’ll see. It’ll be nice to cuddle up with my Bear, no matter what we do.