The Ides of March. Also, Sex, Love & Submission.

March is always hard (if always means “since W died”). This one is no exception. Not harder than the others, and perhaps, on the “W died in March and that makes March a goddamned sucky month” front, it’s probably getting…something like easier. But this particular March has been fraught with other angst-inducing phenomena (health issues, relationship issues, family issues), and, to top it off, the weather is gray and drab and weeps misery, so, in some ways, it has been worse. Can’t I deal with only one sucky thing at a time??

I’ve spent pretty much every day dragging my sorry ass out of bed, clocking time at work like a zombie, then crawling back into my blanket-and-pillow fort to sleep 11 or 12 hours a night, before making myself do it again. But okay…after seven days of this bullshit, I decided to get myself out of bed and DO something. Anything. Pick myself up by my bootstraps, as my grandpa would say, and march on (heh, get it? “March” on.) Yeah. Anyway.

So here I am.

I brought my gym bag to work and worked out after work. Then I came here to my favorite sex-positive coffee shop and am sitting here having a sandwich and – gasp – blogging. Anything to keep myself from the seductive lure of my warm, soft, safe bed.

I’m going to try an experiment. (I know, I’ve tried a lot of things to get me writing regularly again, and most haven’t succeeded, but I refuse to give up. Eventually it will feel real again. Eventually it will feel good again.) I am inspired by my (mostly) successful February Photofest posting. That was fun. I enjoyed the interactions. I enjoyed capturing moments that made me happy, that filled me with joy. I enjoyed following others doing the same. I enjoyed myself because there was so little I required of myself, other than to post a photo. I didn’t have to have deep thoughts. I didn’t have to write about Things with a capital T. I just had to show up. I want to nudge myself gently in the direction of doing that again. I’m going to experiment with writing just for the sake of writing. Not making every post be “about” something. So…um…this could get boring for ya’ll I suppose. Feel free to scroll on…

Today I decided to write for the meme “Food for Thought Friday.” I remembered it from way-back-when; recently, reading Rebel Marie’s blog, I ran across it again and decided…what the hell. The topic was “Love and Sex”, and the questions were:

How essential is love to you in a sexual relationship?

Does love make sex better in any way?

Where sex is more than just something casual (e.g. a one-night stand), is it possible to fully detach the emotional and physical sides of sex?

Then, once I started writing this post, I went over to the F4TF blog and saw – ha! The link-up is closed.


Well hell, in for a pound… This is me, practicing writing for writing’s sake.

Let’s see…in my world, sex has always come before love. I fall in lust with someone, then, if the sex is good (and for the sex to be good for more than just a one-off, usually there has to be more than just physical attraction), I fall in love. It’s hard for me to have good sex over and over with someone without developing feelings. But these don’t have to be “capital L” love feelings. They are just feelings of warmth and affection for someone with whom I share good chemistry. Maybe “deep affection” is a better term? More than just a physical connection, but less than “I want to build my world around you.” But in every long-term, building-my-world-around-you relationship I have had, sex always came first. Sometimes, the good sex part of it took awhile of learning each other, but then…love followed. Or proximate-love.

So, no…love isn’t a requirement for good sex for me, but after falling in love, sex becomes…something else, something more. It becomes a way of expressing the love I feel. Maybe that makes it better? I don’t know. It feels more connective, certainly.

I’ll tell you what definitely makes sex better for me, though: a D/s connection. With love or no, deep and binding or simply someone that inspires a spark of submission in me, it almost always makes the sex better. Even if it’s not physically satisfying, the emotional satisfaction of submitting, and of pleasing someone with my submission, is worth it, and makes it better.

Sex and submission are deeply and (almost) inextricably intertwined for me. D/s makes me feel sexual, sure, but also sex is a way to – much as with love – express my feelings of submission to another. To show them my submission with my body. To please them. It’s one reason I am very careful to delineate between submission and bottoming. I don’t want to get the two tangled up in my own mind. In those instances, it is very necessary to maintain that barrier, so that I can enjoy a BDSM scene without the confusing (and often conflicting) feelings of submission pressing me to do something I might not do otherwise. Casual sex is okay, sex with friends is okay, casual or friendly bottoming is okay – casual submission is not.




  1. Bruce

    Having been raised with an intensive and extensive indoctrination into Protestant ethos, it has taken me a long time to become comfortable with the concept – Love is a mental emotion; sex is a physical sensation. There is nothing inherently interdependent between the two, Christian doctrine not withstanding.

    But, as you say, there is a synergy between love and sex, but either CAN flourish without the other.


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