A is for Arousal

Reading Marie of Rebel’s Notes’ Sinful Sunday post today reminded me that April is the month for the A-Z Blogging Challenge. I participated one year a few years ago, and another year we played our own A-Z blogging game, our public-rope-themed Alphabet Challenge (which was way more fun than any three people should be allowed to have together, and gave me so many wonderful memories with W – all chronicled in my then-blog, Kink and Poly.) I am still awed by the sheer volume of writings I did there, by the friends I made through that blog, by the way it not only chronicled our lives – W’s, Ad’s and mine, as well as my children’s and others who we came into contact with – through the years, but by the way it informed our lives together. It was, in the way that a location sometimes becomes a character of its own in a story, almost a character of its own in the story of our lives. It’s easier now to look at it. In small doses, anyway. Some images, some stories, I still can’t quite look at head on. But I’m so glad they are there. Someday, I know, I will be able to…

Ah, but that day is not today. Today, just that quick peek to find the link to the Alphabet Challenge posts made my throat close on tears. It’s okay. As someone said, if it hadn’t mattered so much, if it hadn’t brought me so much joy, it would not bring me so much sorrow now. And so. I live with it. I breathe through it. And I live, the way he wanted me to.

Anyway. This is all by way of me following through on my experiment. I’m just writing for the sake of writing. So, you know, you might get a whole mish-mash of stuff. Sad stuff, poly meanderings, kinky shit, head shit. Memes and musings. This, apparently, will be one such mish-mash. And accepting the A-Z Challenge is another tool to provoking daily writing.

It was fortuitous that the Food or Thought Friday blog happened to have an A-word prompt this week, to go along with the first day of the A-Z challenge: arousal.

I was pondering that word today, and this past week, as I thought about (and lived through) an exercise in frustrated arousal, via my punishment at V’s hand.

Was I aroused by his punishment? By being punished?

The answer to the first is obvious: he deliberately chose activities to arouse me, for the express purpose of denying me the culmination of that arousal. In the past, orgasm denial has been something that has the exact opposite of the desired effect: my desire gradually wanes, my ability to reach an orgasm, once granted, becomes ever more difficult. If the denial persists over days (or weeks) pretty soon I am no longer interested in sex. And then it takes a while to get me recharged again.

But the way that V does it…doesn’t have that effect. Is it him or my own sexuality that has changed? I don’t know. I just know that when he denies me – especially when it is punishment – yes, I am aroused by it.

I so hesitate to say punishment itself arouses me. (Real punishment, not the fun kind, though he and I often even blur the lines of that.) I sincerely do NOT want to disobey. I do NOT deliberately do so to elicit a response – top from the bottom. There is no topping on my part, because he is well aware of everything I am doing, and he chooses how to respond. But more than that, I want to be his good kitty, his good girl. I just…fail…sometimes. And the fact that he doesn’t let me get away with it, that he brings me back in line, yes, that turns me on. Arouses me. Because firm, strict Dominance is something I crave. Because knowing there are rules and lines and obligations – and consequences to breaking, crossing or reneging on same – is part of my D/s makeup, and thus, because D/s is part of my sexuality, when he exerts that control over me – to punish me for my transgressions – it turns me on.

Control turns me on.

Thinking about it, about the question asked on the F4TF blog, “Is there anything that is pretty much guaranteed to arouse you?”, the answer is yes: control. In whatever form that takes.

 

 

Comments

  1. fondles

    i’ve often wondered about punishment and arousal as well and while we don’t do anything close to punishment i do get extremely turned on watching such scenes or reading about them. I think i agree with you in that the “control” is possibly the thing that excites me the most. I’ve thought seriously about a real scenario where i have done something awful and BIKSS would deliver a punishment and there is NOTHING arousing in that idea at all. So i’m sure it’s not the actual punishment that is arousing for me either. THis post really got me thinking. I’m glad I stopped by.

    Reply
    1. Jade Post author

      I’m glad you stopped by too – thank you. :-)
      It’s a complex topic, and one I frequently visit in my musings on what it is that we do. My previous relationship did not have an element of punishment at all, in fact he felt it was anathema to what he was trying to create in our relationship. (It also made him uncomfortable.) But it is a driving force to me, as I have discovered with V, a need, really. It affirms our respective roles, it assures me that the rules he has created are ones that he truly wants me to follow – and is willing to mete out consequences for when I don’t – it assures me of his own attention to this part of our relationship. I don’t submit in a void. I spend a lot of time and effort to follow the rules he says he wants me to follow – I need to know that he is exerting as much attention to them as I am. Perhaps that is “unsubmissive”, but I’ve come to realize I don’t have to fit anybody else’s definition of submissive but his. :-)

      Reply
      1. Fondles

        Amen to that. I too have often wondered if i was sub “enough” or whether i even qualify. But its really what is “enough” for him, in the end. And about not existing in a void- wham. Truth!

        Reply
  2. Marie Rebelle

    I think you are right there: control definitely is a turn-on.

    The first part of your post touched my heart. It’s almost 9 months that my mom passed away and it still hurts like hell, so I cannot talk about her without tears. I cannot talk about my pain. Just typing the words… tears already. Does the pain ever stop? It’s so hard losing someone you have loved that much and like W wanted you to live, I know my mom wanted the same for me. But that doesn’t make it easier…

    Hugs to you!

    Rebel xox

    Reply
    1. Jade Post author

      Oh dear Marie…your comment brought tears to me eyes. I know how you are suffering, and there are not words to ease it. Time truly is the only thing that will.
      No, it doesn’t make it go away. It doesn’t make the pain stop. It does surround our hearts with a buffer though, so that the wounds don’t bleed so much, the pain is not quite so sharp. And, eventually, yes…you will live again, knowing that you want to, and that it is the best thing you can do in her memory.

      Reply
  3. @F4TFriday

    It seems to be quite a common theme. Being more on the Dom side of the spectrum, I prefer to be the one in control rather than being controlled, but I get why such a surrender can be a turn-on for many. Thank you.

    Reply
  4. Indigo Byrd

    Hi Jade we don’t cross paths that often, but I found your writing on control really thought provoking. I’m not 100 percent sure where I am on that right now but for me I think it may be the dynamic between myself and another. Not sure still waiting to see what might happen should I find someone to be with. As for your loss and all the attendant grieving, I instantly recognised what you were talking about, I remembered another post of yours. I’m part of the grieving group too – having cared for mum for 3 years -the anniversary of her passing is next week, and I feel for you and of course for Rebel. But I love that we all support each other in these things too, and I have to believe it will get better… Hugs if permitted. Indie

    Reply

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