I go from nothing to everything in the blink of an eye. One day I’m not writing at all, not participating in any blogging memes, not even thinking about writing for publication again…the next I’m in a daily writing challenge, mulling over new calls for submission, and writing like a mad woman. I’ve barely exercised for weeks and all of sudden I have joined a yoga studio, have downloaded a daily exercise app, and am looking at a biking challenge. I don’t go to the grocery store or cook at home for weeks, and then I lose myself in the grocery store for two hours, carefully planning out each breakfast, lunch and dinner for the next week two weeks.
And oh yes, lest I forget: I have decided to also participate in a daily orgasm meme.
No, it’s not that. But I do reach a point of saturation, where I can’t stand how I’ve let myself slide into lethargy, either of the mind or body, and I have to do all the things to snap out of it.
I do think these are good things. I’m enjoying the challenge of thinking of a new word every day and composing my thoughts around it. And exercise, well it’s almost as good for my mental health as my physical. It feels good to move, to feel my body work, and it seems to elevate my mood as well. As for eating at home, well, not eating out will certainly help the pocketbook – as well as rein in the weight gain I’ve recently had.
Oh, and, the orgasm thing…
Yep, I’ve decided (albeit a little late) to join in on the #30DayOrgasmFun meme. I wasn’t planning to do it, but something both the creator of the meme, Tabitha Rayne of tabitharayne.com, and Marie of Rebel’s Notes, said about the reasons they are doing it really resonated with me.
Years ago I had played along with Curvaceous Dee (whose blog is now (sadly) defunct) a couple of years when she did something similar on her blog. I had various levels of “success” at having an orgasm a day every day for a month. Sometimes it was really great, others it was a chore, or worse, something I felt I was failing at. So when I first saw the #30DayOrgasmFun meme going round I was kind of like, eh…do I want to try and fail again? Also, I was hesitant to monkey with my libido just now. It’s been a little…hit or miss lately, to be honest. At times I am excited and raring to go, other times no amount of erotic energy will turn me on. And most times, at home alone? I’d rather read and sleep than diddle myself. Even when I have permission! It’s a sad state of affairs. I know there are “reasons” – medications, relationship angst, being stressed and over-scheduled – but I also feel like…somehow…I’ve lost touch with my body. With my own sensuality.
So when I read why they were doing it, not as a challenge, but as a way to reconnect with their bodies, as a way to rediscover pleasure, to connect with themselves, I knew it was something I needed to do.
BUT (and this is a huge but) I also know a huge part of what’s going on is mental for me. I need the D/s to drive my sexuality. If it’s not there, I might wank off once a week, or once a month, or not at all! Sex just isn’t something I think about a lot. And…with things as they’ve been…we’ve lost a lot of the D/s energy we used to share. Remote play just doesn’t happen like it used to, or even random moments of sharing when it’s not our prescribed times of the week, which leaves me with a big gap in my connection with him, and our D/s…which, in turn, means a decided lack of interest in sex for me.
So…I didn’t want to do it by myself. I don’t think I could keep enough interest to do it all alone. I need his interaction. Also, we have rules in place.
I have to ask permission to play with myself or to come. How would that work, if we can’t even text at night for me to ask? Getting permission pre-emptively each day wouldn’t work, in fact it would make it worse, because then it would take even that little bit of D/s away, since he’d have to say yes since it’s for the meme. I want to find a way to renew the D/s in our relationship, not thwart it. So I thought about and asked him if, 1. I could participate without needing to ask each time, and 2. he would assist me by giving me an added parameter to the daily orgasm. Small things, nothing elaborate, like, use a new toy, or do it in the bath, or edge three times before you come, or think about x, y or z. Like that. He said he’d think about it. Later he came back with yes, I could, as long as I agreed to two rules: 1. Once I start, if I miss even one time, I have to quit and I won’t get to have an orgasm for a week, and 2. “accidental” orgasms don’t count, ie when he and I are having sex or Adam and I. (If I “call it” first (“I’m going to try for my orgasm now” that’s ok.), and 3. I have to write (for him) about every one I have.
I was mostly ok with those parameters, except the “missing even one” part. A part of this for me, is to reconnect with what makes me feel sexual and sensual. To rediscover my own pleasure. That *might not* culminate in an orgasm, although that will certainly be the intent. But I don’t want to punish myself for not getting there if it just doesn’t happen. So we negotiated. And came up with a compromise. “Missing it” means not trying. Deciding to go to sleep or do somethig else instead. As long as I try – and he gets to be the judge of that – did I try hard enough or not – then I’m okay. Oh, and if he tells me to do it a certain way, it’s not a “suggestion”. It’s an order.
This was a wonderful outcome, to be honest. I liked him stepping up and making rules, instead of just saying “okay.” I liked it enough that having my first orgasm tonight was a cinch.