Q is for Quarterflash

Anyone remember the song “Harden My Heart” by Quarterflash?

https://youtu.be/Aqd61YG-P10
Damn but it’s a great song. I thought so then, and I still do. I like songs of women standing up to asshole men. Walking away when they aren’t treated right.

I haven’t known very many of that kind of man, actually. I’ve been blessed with a surfeit of good men in my life, even my exes, except for one: my first husband. And yet I was wild about that man(child). Crazy in love with him, and he with me, except when he was drinking hard alcohol. Then he was obsessed with me, insanely jealous, and I was afraid of him. I don’t think of him often, but that song was playing in some bar or restaurant the other night and for just those few moments I was transported back in time – jesus, more than thirty years ago. I was so young. I wasn’t stupid (although sometimes I chide my younger self for making so many stupid decisions), but I was stubborn, and idealistic, and “in LOVE“. I thought if I just loved him enough, hard enough, he would be a good man all the time, not just when he was sober. Because he was amazing when he was sober. But he knew he was mean as fuck when he was not, and he still chose to drink, knowing what he would end up doing to me.

The song was playing during one of the in-between times, a good time in-between the bad ones. Previous to this I had thought of our relationship the opposite way: it was just a bad time in between the good. But I think that weekend I had realized I was deluding myself. The song came on as we snaked down a brown California hillside to the valley below, a snug little bay opening up before us, dotted with the white sails of countless sailboats docked there. I listened to her sing about hardening her heart, turning and leaving him, and my heart ached. I wanted to be that strong. I felt the sting of tears, and blinked them back, claiming it was the bright sun glinting off the water that teared me up.I wanted to own that song. I wanted to be her. God how I wanted to be strong enough to walk away.
Three months later, I read the strip on a pregnancy test: positive.

I wasn’t going anywhere.

I wanted to own that song. I wanted to be her. God how I wanted to be strong enough to walk away.

Three months later, I read the strip on a pregnancy test: positive.

I wasn’t going anywhere.

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