Y is for You
I am writing this in large part in response to Marie’s post on the topic, “How and If to Continue Your Blog“, in response to prompt #311, “Continue” over on Wicked Wednesday. I may or may not get this written in time to post it to the round-up – I hope I do, but if not, please go over there anyway and check out the other writers who participated as well.
The question she posed was (paraphrased), “What if something happened, something catastrophic in your life, would you keep blogging?”
I don’t know how many of you followed me here from my old blog, kinkandpoly.com, but even if you didn’t, I am sure you have heard me talk about the tragedy that struck my and my partners’ lives 3 years ago, and which, for awhile, caused me to stop blogging, and even to question whether I’d ever blog again. And in fact, when I did start to write again, I left that space that he and I and our relationship had inhabited. Like moving from the home in which you and a deceased partner have lived and loved, I had to leave K&P behind. But, even though I couldn’t write there anymore, I left the blog up. It was…is…kind of a memorial. To our relationship, to the love and light he brought to my life, to him. I will never be able to place flowers or kneel at his grave, but I can go there, to that space we shared, sometimes, and feel his presence.
I am frankly amazed that I continued to write, that I continue to write. It still feels…tentative…at times. It was such n emotionally charged thing that I did, when I wrote about him and us, how could I ever feel that again? It was like taking a new lover…can I do this again? Can I put my heart on the line again? And, just as it was when I did find a new love, I discovered that it was different. What, and how, I write here is different. I am different – my time with W, my time writing at K&P, has changed me, irrevocably, and my writing reflects that.
But not all change is bad, and I have come to love this space as well. It feels like home to me, just like my house here, that I never lived in with W, feels like home. This is, in large part, due to YOU. My readers, my community, my friends both IRL that read this and friends I have only ever met here or in Twitter. YOU are one of the reasons I stayed, and continued, after I made my first, tentative steps back.