Today is a better day. I woke up eager to write, in fact so much so that I left V’s house early so I could come in early to work to do so.
I’d forgotten how much I like to be in the office before anyone else. Our hallway is dark, their offices too, this side of the building is quiet. It’s not that different when they are here, to be truthful, but without the extra bodies it’s just…peaceful.
Oh, ha, I know why it feels good: it reminds me of working from home. It reminds me of getting up in the morning just at dawn in the Treehouse. I miss it there, sometimes. How colorful it was, how peaceful up there in the trees. I don’t miss not being able to walk everywhere; not having a wonderful park right in my neighborhood and the Botanical Gardens practically next door; a wine bar around the corner, the best ice cream shops (yes, TWO of them) within walking distance, to say nothing of free yoga on the weekends, a farmer’s market on Saturdays and a street full of not-chain restaurants and bars. It may not be as peaceful and full of solitude as my space here, but the city is lively, and if I need it there is peace in the park, and I have all those other perks here.
Everything’s a trade-off; we just have to try to make sure that the trade-off is worth it.
I wrote that quite off-the-cuff just now, and when I first thought it, it was in reference only my housing situation. But in thinking more about it, I can see that it applies to my relationships, as well. There are good reasons to stay the course, to “stick around,” as V called it this morning as he kissed me goodbye. It is hard sometimes, and I think that my personal emotional make-up can make it harder, because I tend to feel things very, very acutely, and, as he has noted, very in-the-moment. What is right now feels like it will be always; it feels like life or death, and dammit, I learned a long time ago how transient these waves of emotion are. Once upon a time a thing happened that I thought was going to kill me, I felt pain that I thought was going to last forever, but it didn’t. It doesn’t. Life goes on.
Once upon a time, when I was much younger, a friend asked me, in a moment when I felt like the sky was falling, “Are you going to remember this six months from now? Six years?” I thought I would, but it turned out that I didn’t. And that has been the case with so many things. I took that lesson to heart, and often ask myself that when in the throes of something that feels life-shattering. Yes, there are those things that I will never forget, never forgive myself for, that I play over and over in my mind, even years after. (Does anyone else do that? I could literally write a list of those seminal moments, moments of embarrassment, bad or relationship-ending behavior, things that I feel I will never live down, things that still make me cringe with embarrassment – though not so many of those. It seems that embarrassment really does fade more often than not.) In this particular case last night, though, while asking that might have helped, actually it was a good caning by V that snapped me out of it, even though I was sullen and determined not to engage when he started. Get me out of my head and into my body for awhile works (almost) every time. I wish I had known that when I was younger.
Hmm, maybe that is a good segue into the Food for Thought Friday questions, which I thought might be a good prompt for writing this week. I need to remember the many memes and prompts that are out there, when I am feeling like I was yesterday – perhaps they will help pull me out of my head enough to actually write something of substance.
What one part of your sex life today would most surprise the 18 year old you?
It’s more about my love life: that I could love two (or more) men openly, and that it would feel natural, and good, and everyone would be happy with that arrangement. That polyamory is a thing and that I get to live and love exactly the way I want.
What one thing might shock that younger you?
Frankly I don’t think anything would shock me, per se, except maybe that I had fully embraced my sexuality, that I had jumped off the cliff and took the chances I did to live my life authentically. That I had overcome my fear of being…unloveable, unloved…and chose to live this life.
Is there anything in the younger you’s sexual ambitions or fantasies you have not yet fulfilled?
While I still have an item or two on my sexual “bucket list,” I can honestly say that anything I might have wanted to do, or might want to do, I could and can just do or find someone to do it. My younger me never had an inkling of what to fantasize about, and I have far surpassed anything she might have dreamed of.
What part of the younger you’s sex life do you look back on with the most nostalgia?
Not a thing. My sex and love life now is better and bigger and hotter than anything I ever had when I was younger. Hooray for maturity!