I waited until my packing was *somewhat* complete before I turned on my laptop to write, but then the damn thing told me it has a “major” update. I told it to update overnight last night, but I guess it only did part of it, because it’s been installing updates now for 30 minutes and it’s only at 4%. It’s also telling me, “this WILL take awhile,” (emphasis mine), but that’s telling, as it usually says this “may” take awhile, and then takes forever. It may not be done until I get back from San Diego next week.
But perhaps making me wait to write is for the best. My mood was black and who knows what vitriol I would have spewed forth on these pages if I’d sat down to write then. For now my ire is contained, and besides, it’s hard as fuck to write eloquently or for very long on my phone.
I’m still dealing with residual anger and resentment over recent events (that of course I can’t be open about here) and though I am trying to reconcile myself to it, the blatant injustice of it just sticks in my craw, and I don’t know how to stop being pissed every time I think about it. When I’m not thinking about it I’m fine, but that means not talking to or seeing the principles involved, and doing things like listening incessantly to a book on tape to occupy my mind. I took a two-hour walk tonight to facilitate just that, and now I am numbing myself with alcohol (a recommended response, unless, of course, you want to have a healthy relationship with your emotions.) Not good, I know, but I will say I have come a long way since the out-of-control episodes of last summer. I’m no less (justifiably) angry, I just control it better.
I know that after the incident has come and gone it will no doubt fade in my memory and the bite of resentment will not be so sharp, but what do I do until then? I can’t help my feelings, and I can’t play kissy-face with people I am so incensed with, I just don’t have that kind of ability. I wear my heart on my sleeve, which is lovely when that heart is loving, but not so much when it is hurt or angry. What you see is what you get with me. There is no deception. I’ve just never mastered the art of hiding how I feel.
So here I am, stuck. But at least you don’t have to read too much of my complaint, this is about as much as I can manage on my phone. Maybe there will be more or better tomorrow. I guess we’ll see.