Do I or Don’t I?
This week’s Kink of the Week is role play. (Yes, I wrote for it; no, I didn’t post it in time to link to it. Boo.) Anyway, I started this post out firmly in the camp of, “I hate roleplay!” and was relieved to read Kayla’s post on the topic: she dislikes role play for many of the same reasons that I do. It seems like everyone else is into it, in some form or another, and I’ve always felt a little like the odd man out. Oh, there have been very specific, in-the-moment times of something like roleplay in V’s and my sexual history that have been hot, but in general I am not fond of the typical kinds of roleplay: sex with the boss, doctor/nurse, sexy strangers, etc. So it was nice to find someone else who isn’t as well. (After reading a few other posts on the topic, though, I did discover that there are a few more of us out there.)
Oddly enough, out of the blue the other day, and before I knew that this was a topic for KOTW, I teased V, asking him to put me over his knee and paddle me like a schoolgirl. It wasn’t a wholehearted bid for roleplay, more of a way to try and entice him to spank me, which he did, but not “in role.” I was relieved – but also chagrined a bit. See, he likes roleplay, that’s why I thought it might inspire some spontaneous play. Which it did, sort of (I did get a caning, so I should be happy) but I was still a little disappointed that he didn’t get into it, as I had thought he might. You know, making me confess that I was a bad girl and count my strikes, etc. Maybe it would have been fun? I mean, I think he gets into that…
But then I realize, if he had: what would I have done? That’s what I find so unappealing about roleplay: I feel put on the spot, awkward and I never know what I’m supposed to do. I am not a good actor – I’m too self-conscious, too inhibited. Please just tell me what to do, don’t ask me to make it up. When I try to pretend to be someone else I feel uncomfortable, I don’t know what to say or what is expected of me. A slave to Master describes this conundrum quite well in her post “When Roleplay Goes Wrong.”
There is also a certain amount of collaboration that has to go on between participants to pull off a roleplay scene. You have to know your role going in…you have to know something about what the scene will entail. An example of that was an elaborate “kidnapping” scene that we tried to do at Tryst one year. I say “we” because I had to be involved in creating it, so the “kidnappers” would know what was permissable and what wasn’t, and what I wanted to get out of the scene. But I didn’t know my own role well, didn’t know what they were trying to achieve. So when they started “interrogating” me, I was confused and didn’t know that I wasn’t supposed to give them the info they wanted. I didn’t know what info they were fishing for! So I just told them anything they wanted to know, and eventually, even though I was getting slapped around and yelled at (and eventually having a wet towel wrapped around my face, which was kind of scary) I got a little bored, because it seemed a pointless game. I need to know that there is a way to win and to lose for it to be fun. Otherwise just beat hell out of me and be done with it.
Eventually they pretended they had got the information they wanted and let me go, and I was as confused at the end as I had been at the beginning. Had I done what I was supposed to? Did they enjoy it? I had no idea if it had been satisfying to them at all. (Not a fun place to be for a submissive.) In that case, collaboration was needed for all of us to know our roles and the goal of the scene. But I don’t want to know what to expect or what’s going to happen when I scene! I want all those decisions made for me. I want someone else to be in control. (That’s why I’m V’s submissive, duh.) So, yeah, it didn’t really work for me.
Onyx and kitty
Onyx (my pony persona that came out with W) and kitty (Viper’s pet) are rather different situations. When I was in ponyspace, as we called it, I could relax into pony headspace quite easily, especially because I didn’t have to talk. I could turn off being me, and just melt into this mindless – though admired and cosseted – creature. It was almost like subspace, this quiet, not-me place, and people related to me as an object, as a pet, as a pony. I loved it. I really was out of my self-conscious skin. Interestingly enough, W never saw me that way in pony persona. He always saw the girl playing pony, and that was what turned him on: he had made the girl into something else. It was about his ability to shape and transform me, not about me actually being pony.
My role as Viper’s kitty is a sort of combination of the two. I don’t actually crawl around on the floor meowing, I don’t play kitty – I am a catgirl. We (he) talks about me in terms of catlike behaviors, but I have only occasionally worn a bell, used the silver cat dish he got me, wear cat ears or my tail, or crawl around on the floor. And even then I am still acutely aware of being human and playing at a cat. There are times when I really feel like his kitten and all I want to do is climb into his lap and let him pet me, though, or, when I am feeling frenetic, have him hold the kitty tight enough to stop her from struggling (metaphorically. Or physically. Whichever.) And there was a particular instance of sexplay, when he goaded me into meowing for him while he growled and fucked me from behind, telling me to imagine that I was his kitty being fucked by the neighbor’s German Shepherd (him) that roleplay did work rather well for me.
Actually he often has me meow for him, for his ears alone, and that always makes me feel special and connected to him. Other times he makes me meow very loud, like in a scene, to embarrass me, and that always works too. But I don’t know if that is actually roleplay. It feels more like a special language between him and I.
Fantasy as Roleplay?
He used to whisper dirty stories all the time to me while we were fucking, telling me to imagine this or that situation. And sometimes he wanted me to reciprocate. At times it was hot listening to him, and helped drive me over the edge into orgasm, but other times it was a struggle to be in the moment of what we were doing while I was trying to imagine whatever story he had concocted. (He is very good at it, far more detailed and imaginative than I am.) In fact, I am terrible at it, and, like roleplay, I feel awkward, I wonder if I sound stupid, and having to work to make up a story while having sex diverts me from the concentration I need to work myself into an orgasm (though it has happened that I’ve gotten turned on a time or two as well.) I wonder if my stories actually turned him on or if he simply pretended they did so I wouldn’t feel bad, lol. In spite of all that, though, I kind of miss his stories in my ear, and I even miss him making me tell him stories. No one else has ever done that with me before – telling stories or making me tell them.
D/s as Roleplay
People that don’t understand D/s often equate to roleplay. And, maybe for some people, it is exactly that: a role they assume when in a certain situation or with a certain person. But for me (and I think for V) D/s – dominant and submissive – is who we are, not just what we do. Yes, there are times when we behave in certain ways that are, more or less, scripted, especially when we are in spaces that we can be open in or dynamic, but the things we do arise from who were are. They aren’t roles we put on. Sometimes I feel that the vanilla us is more a role than the D/s us.
One of the super hot posts I read in this KOTW was this one, from knkstriped. It’s not a blog I’ve read before (though I have a feeling I may be remedying that.) In it the writer describes a day-long fantasy of being a “sex slave.”
I have had this fantasy. Day-long or weekend-long. There was a weekend with W that probably fit that bill, but in his he loaned me out to a couple of the males that were at the house with us. (Okay, yes, it was hot.) But…my fantasy is more in regards to being…I don’t know…being made to live within certain strict rules of behavior and being used by my Owner, all day, and not coming out of “role” into vanilla space. It’s not necessarily about being loaned out to others, as it was for W. It doesn’t have to be cruel (though in my imagination there is a punishing physical element as well), but I want the feeling of being really and truly under someone else’s command, with no ability to consent or not. I think…that kind of roleplay I could get into.