“Someday” is a really hard concept for me. I have always been an “in the moment” person. Delayed gratification has never been my strong suit. One of my earliest memories is one I am ashamed of, and yet so epitomizes me in regards to delayed gratification.
My “real” dad, my biological father, got to see me only every other Saturday, and even that my mom and stepdad did their best to ruin or minimize if they could. We’d go on some adventure, and then, on the way back to my mom’s, we’d split a Hershey bar. It was our special treat (and it is my favorite chocolate to this day.) On this Saturday, he was running late in getting me back to my mom. I didn’t know then what I do now: any minor transgression my mom would report to the court, to use against my father to deny him the right to see me.
He didn’t have time to stop for a chocolate bar – and I threw a fit. I was only 6 or 7, but I still remember that sick, twisted anger I had. It wasn’t good enough that we could get it the next weekend, no. I wanted it NOW. I was awful and ugly and angry. To this day, this is the only time I have told anyone of it, I am so ashamed. It doesn’t help to hear from my psychologist later that I was probably reacting because I never knew if I’d see him later. I lived in fear that someday, they’d win, and I would never see him again. But it makes sense that that would shape my feelings – and skepticism – about “someday.”
Banking on the future, hoping and waiting for a someday that never came – that was not (is not) – me. But…with W and Ad, after 7 years, I was convinced to maybe believe in “someday.” In a future that I could wait for, could shape and prepare for.
Until my “someday” future stopped, ended, when W’s “someday” ended so abruptly. We had started to build life for the future, for our someday of growing old together, of being together, the three of us, in our old age. Of supporting each other for that someday…
It never materialized.
And yet, as I grow older, as the options and possibilities in my life inexorably narrow down, I realize I need to be thinking about – planning for – someday. I hinted at my conflicting feelings in my post “What’s Love Got to Do With It.” I wrestle with this question more often than not. Just today, talking with V, when I said perhaps I should be looking for a relationship that will be one in which (I could hope) many of those “someday” scenarios would be resolved in a satisfactory way for me, he said, “That would not be a relationship with me.” He’s not being cruel, or unkind, he’s just being realistic. He knows that the things I ultimately want, in that “someday,” are not things that he can, or would be willing, to give.
So I am come full circle. Do I live in the here and now (which is pretty damn okay) or do I plan for a “somedy” that might never come?