And here it is almost a week since Ad walked out with my words in the air between us: “I can’t do this anymore. I need someone who will take the initiative in his own life, who will take agency to make the life that he wants and needs.” He asked to have some time on Sunday for us to talk. I know he has been working through what I said, what his feelings are and what he wants in his life —
I was going to type, “I hope that’s me,” but that’s not exactly what I mean. I know he wants me. That’s never been in question. I want to know what he wants, for himself, for his life. And I want to know that he will and is making steps to make that so – even if it does not involve me.
Anyway. Here I am on a Friday night – Fridays are either date night with Ad or with V, but tonight it was with myself. Well, sort of.
I had a lovely walk and talk with a new friend. And then I came home to follow instructions from V.
He and I have had a rough couple days. I have had a hard time recovering from the … misunderstandings … of Sunday. And yesterday night, seeing him was not “oh yay let’s play and reconnect,” it was, “we need to talk this through, because I don’t think you quite appreciate how deeply this affected me, nor why.” I think we have reached an understanding, now. And now, we move beyond that (I hope) into healing.
I wonder if it will be like that with Ad and I. Will we find a place of … understanding … and will we be able to move beyond that to something better for us both? Healthier, happier?
There are times that I recognize how deeply D/s can influence the outcome of these kinds of confrontations in a positive way. No, that would never work with Adam, but I know, in my heart of heart, that it is key to finding peace, acceptance and happiness with V.
And so I have my instructions.
Him: “…In the meantime, you can get back to feeling owned.” (There has been a decided “break” in those kinds of … not feelings, but in the interactions that sustain them. That feed them. That keep them alive between us.)
Me: “I want that.” I had come to a place, after all of our words, where, yes, I wanted that. “How do you propose that I do that?”
This was not a leading question. Not me trying to get affirmation of what I already knew he wanted. I mean, of course, these are all things that are part of our rituals. But we had fallen so…out of sync…in the past days that I truly did not know what he wanted of me. I need to hear – to know – what he wanted of me. Where did we start to repair, to heal?
He sent me a list, which I then wrote down, because I wanted to imprint it on my memory, on my thoughts.
And. I have spent the evening fulfilling those instructions.