it’s hard to update on my phone, but I’m too lazy to get out the laptop or even my tablet. I’m laying here in bed drinking a vodka and Rum Chata (I either want to kiss or kill the coworker who introduced me to the stuff), after a full day of cleaning, puzzling, cooking and spending bits of time with Viper, who stayed over last night, and Adam, who I met for breakfast. It was a good day, though I had a brief sad period about 3/4 of the way through, feeling lonely. The roommate is out of town, V is with his family and Ad, well. He’s at his place.
But I’ve recovered from that, and am feeling okay.
This was a busy weekend. Friday I reached out to an acquaintance I have known in the scene for years, but who I have never actually spent time with outside of events. We took a nice long walk, which I would not have done alone, because I was tired from Thursday at V’s, so I was super glad to have someone to meet and make me walk, which exercise I desperately needed. He had wanted play time and sexy time, but I was still processing events from the previous Sunday, and unsure how, and if, I wanted to proceed. I went over Thursday with the intent of changing the parameters of our relationship, but after talking for hours that night, and then the next morning, I think we both had a clearer idea of what had happened and why. I am glad that we have reached a point in our relationship where we can have these talks in a fairly objective manner – no tears or shouting or hurtful words.
So Friday I walked and talked with my new friend. It was a little strange, talking about the way V’s and my relationship works, the D/s part. How much ownership he has and expects in my life. His expectations were part of our issue on that Sunday. First, there was me not recognizing them, and second, having to make decisions about whether I am comfortable with his expectations, given the level of…disconnect…I feel at times from his … well, he called it his village. He believes I am part of the village, I maintain that I am not. I live in a cottage on my own in a little clearing in the woods outside the village walls. I trade with the village, and I have loyalty to the village’s king, but I am not a part of the village, and do not always trust that I will be given sanctuary and acceptance within the village walls if I need it.
Yeah, a lot of metaphor and analogy, but it does describe our individual perceptions of the situation quite well.
And then there is what Adam’s role in all this is.
Last night I went to a play party and V and I had a pretty amazing scene. He is getting better at giving me the intensity I need. And it was super hot in other ways, putting on display our Owner/kitty dynamic and adding an element of ritual to our scene that I find intoxicating. I love ritual. I love scenes, public and private, that reinforce who we are and why we are there.
That night, in bed, was an echo of the night before, when he had demanded certain things of me. Blue glass dildo in my ass, he fucked me from behind with a ferocity, reclaiming me after our recent tribulations. The next morning, although he had warned me he would have to leave early, before breakfast, we stayed in bed later than I thought we would, cuddling and talking and eventually fucking again, me riding him, my juices drenching us both, my eyes in his face as he came, groaning, straining, filling me with his seed. I believe that may have been the first time I have simply watched his face as he orgasms. He allowed me to come after him, using Baldy on me as I remembered his face as he came.
After he left I texted with Adam about plans for getting together. We decided on breakfast a couple hours hence, and I napped before heading out to meet him.
i confess I was nervous- what would he say? What metrics would we use to determine “change”, how we proceed? I needn’t have worried. He needed to initiate the conversation, I refused. He said nothing of substance or consequence. We had breakfast like two friends, and talked about nothing. I left several lead-ins open to help him, but he took none of them, and I spent the rest of the day alone. I am no clearer on what is happening with him than I was before. And, as I suspected would happen in the beginning, I don’t think I will gain enlightenment, unless I bring it up. And I’m not going to. Period.
So. We’re kind of in limbo. Meanwhile, I ha e these lovely bruises to play with and fondle. It’s enough. For now.