I wrote this earlier today, needing a break from menial tasks at work, and feeling by turns drained, frazzled & heartsick at the things that are happening politically in my country. I think, more than anything, I just want to escape that, I want this nightmare regime to be over, I want things to be better again. I want Trump and all his pussy-grabbing cronies to be gone. But the knowledge that Kavanaugh will certainly be confirmed means that they will have a hold on our world for much, much longer than it takes to oust Trump, and I am sick about it. The very worst that I feared from this election has come to pass. I am heartbroken and sickened. And I just want to escape.
But, I realized, after coming home and working out and taking a nap and assessing my life, I don’t want to escape my life, just…this world as it is now. I may have mixed that up earlier, conflated the two. Anyway, here’s my earlier words. My commentary is in [ ].
I’m taking the weekend off from social media. And maybe any kind of electronic communications, although that’s trickier when I’m supposed to be going to a play party with Viper tomorrow night. I suppose I could just make a date like people used to in the days before instant, always-on communication? “I’ll pick you up Saturday at seven,” and then not hear from them until that time.
Is my blog social media?
I have all tonight and tomorrow (until V arrives, probably around seven) to myself. I keep remembering and getting excited. Like, yay, a treat! I can do whatever I want. But it’s not just being able to do what I want. It’s having no one watching me. Knowing where I am or what I am doing every minute of the day. [Yes, this is part of our D/s. He expects to know, within reason, where I am and what I am doing. And no, usually this doesn’t bother me, in fact I love it. I love knowing that he knows, and wants to know. But occasionally…there is this other part of me.]
I had this urge … was it last weekend? When I wanted to hole up somewhere, hide away for a couple days, with absolutely no one knowing where I was, getting in touch with no one. I wonder what drives this strange inclination, this desire to be, for a short time at least, unknown. Truthfully? I’d like to beg off seeing V tomorrow night and have a true weekend, and entire weekend, anonymous. I wish I was seeing my therapist still, I’d ask him about this. I’ve had this desire before, and have acted upon it a couple of times, but both times I was bad at self-care, at being alone. So though I thought that was what I wanted, I ended up being miserable almost the whole time. [And now, having had most of the evening to myself – enjoyably – I am looking forward to seeing him tomorrow night. I miss him. It’s been several days, as usual, since I’ve seen him.]
I might…float the idea to V. I don’t think he’ll agree, though. [He didn’t. Actually, when I said it, he completely glossed over it and went on to another topic. I let the topic go, I knew, even in that moment, that I didn’t want a whole weekend away.] It would disrupt everyone’s plans/schedules too much, I think. Not in a material way, but in a kind of “psychic space” way. There would be a Jade-size hole in V’s life for these two days/nights, and it would cause ripples that might disrupt the currently, somewhat smooth, waters of our little polycule. But damn, I just want to be alone. Alone physically; alone in my head. Anonymous. Invisible. Perhaps it really is just a severe reaction to what’s happening here in the US – Trump, Kavanaugh, all those rich white entitled Republican frat-boys, the culture of hatred and entitlement and “boys club” that can get away with anything.
Ugh, I can’t even go into that. I am literally sick to my stomach when I think of it, when I think of their screaming angry faces. My anxiety has been through the roof. No wonder I want to run away.
I renewed my Y membership for the winter (I might have mentioned this already.) I turn it off in summer because I am outside so much. Then in winter I turn it back on, and pretend that I am going to go often enough to justify having it. The times that I do go, I love it! But it’s so hard to keep my motivation up. I’m really good at talking myself out of going. Like tonight. I was all gung-ho to work out after work tonight, but now, as the day wanes? I’m feeling sleepy and lazy and the thought of just escaping to my room, to curl up in my bed, is really really tempting.
Ad came over Tuesday to talk. We actually did talk this time, though I don’t know that anything was really resolved. I mean, it can’t be, really, until he has actually made some of the changes he says he wants to. We decided to see each other once a week for the time being, designating Tuesdays as our “date night.” And we talked about me buying the house (he currently holds the mortgage on it.) It means me taking on a lot more financial responsibility, and frankly I don’t even know if I could get a house loan, but…it would be a good step, I think. For him and me. And now…I wait. See what happens. See if what he has said is only words, or something he will actually do. And…by the time he does make those changes…if it will be enough. Or in time.
Next weekend is a big weekend overnight Halloween party with the swinger/nudist/kinky group that we belong to. Ad and I were supposed to go together, and I told him I thought it would be okay, but I’m having second thoughts now. I may have to reopen the discussion this next Tuesday night. If we didn’t go together, would I want to go alone? I’m not sure about that, either. I wish I could spend the weekend at the lake instead.
Huh, there I go wanting to escape again.
And now, here I am at my computer, re-reading my jumbled thoughts from the day. I do know much of my anxiety has been a direct result of 24/7 media coverage/social media re: current things, and that I am perhaps experiencing a kind of emotional trauma over it. Tonight, with phone off, refusing to look at FB every ten minutes, gave me some peace of mind.
Of course now there is normal relationship stuff to deal with. A friend of mine, a fantastic photographer, and I have dreamed up an image we want to attempt for a book he is putting together. His time is limited, and, as I found out when talking with V, what I am envisioning may be beyond his rope skills. So, probably significant time in the next week or so – beyond the ascribed “permitted” time – to practice, to see what we could maybe do or not, that would be necessary to make this happen. Bringing it up to him this afternoon though…well yeah. Not a thing he wants to even open discussions on, because of the fallout.
So yeah, this is part of my dissatisfaction. After 3+ years you’d think…
But you’d be wrong.
Maybe I want to go back to just wanting to escape our current political climate. In some ways, the emotional turmoil of that is a whole fuck-ton easier.
Maybe I’ll just disappear and escape it all.