Here and Gone

Fall always creeps up on me, surprising me (though lord knows by now it shouldn’t) with its steadily decreasing sunlight, and bringing with it the gift of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I feel querulous, easily-agitated and lethargic; I find it hard to focus at times and experience anxiety far more frequently; my sleep patterns are disrupted and the sleep I do get is usually broken. I’ve started taking a prescription at night again to help me sleep, something I haven’t done in months, although I feel like I want to stay in bed all day, every day.

I’m on a combination of two meds, at a low dose, year-round. My previous primary and I had finally found a combination that didn’t mess with my sexual appetite or ability to orgasm, and was low enough that I didn’t feel zombified, so I’d be willing to take it year-round, instead of going on and off it every spring and fall, a practice that was difficult to manage. This would have been the first fall on the new regimen with my old primary care doctor, with our intention to keep in mind that I might need to temporarily boost one or the other of the medications over the winter, depending on how I was feeling. I haven’t discussed this with my current primary care physician, though, and I am struggling with, “should I?” or “shouldn’t I?”

Yesterday (and the past week or so) has been rough though. Far more than I would have thought it should be. Sleeping poorly and fitfully, by turns irritable and depressed, interspersed with being sure that everything in my life was shit. I’m lazy and can’t seem to motivate myself to move, my room/bathroom has been an unbelievable mess at times, all I want to do is nest in the mountains of pillows on my bed. I’ve been drinking too much and have gained far more weight than I am comfortable with.

So maybe I need to discuss a change with my doc.

Oh yes, fall, bring it on. I’d forgotten how miserable you make me.

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It’s been a few days since I wrote that, and a few days since I’ve felt like writing. I’m in this strange space between “normal” life and my “normal” – I am hanging out with Ad and twenty-two members of his family at a mini family reunion for his Mom’s birthday. We are staying at side-by-side “cottages” (each side bigger – by far – than my house) on Lake Michigan. I absolutely love it here. I could live here. Forever, and be okay with not being by the ocean. And his family is so very sweet. Very loving and welcoming.

But.

There is just this…cognitive dissonance…when I am around them. There are so many things they don’t know – and would not want to know – about me, and about our relationship. I think sometimes, knowing the little bit that they do, that they look at me and kind of dissect me: who is she? Is she good enough for my (son/brother/nephew)? What does he see in her?  The fact that I have kept myself…not aloof, but somewhat disconnected…from them has perhaps given them reason to wonder, to worry.

I can’t give them any reassurances. They live in the world of happly-ever-after, where we marry for life and it is sanctioned by God. One man, one woman. Amen. How could I possibly begin to explain who we are, how we live? And with the current turmoil we’ve been through…I couldn’t even start. Nor do I want to.

So we present the facade of the happy (though unmarried) couple. I found out this trip that most – if not all – of them do not know that we aren’t living together. I don’t know precisely what he has told them. It’s possibly dangerous to ask.

And yet, in spite of this, in spite of always feeling on the verge of divulging too much, or not the right thing, of being shown to be “not the right kind of girl” for his family, of being an “outsider” – in spite of that I am enjoying this respite, this change in setting, this time away from everyday life with Adam. After the recent upheaval, it’s been good for us.

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So, two days in to the family retreat, and the family matriarch has fallen ill. She was rushed to the emergency room last night, sent by ambulance to a better hospital this morning, and is in surgery as I write this. Not emergency, but emergent. A lovely family vacation cut short. We wait, and hope. Adam will go to the hospital tonight. Tomorrow Adam and I head home. Tuesday I see V, Wednesday I get my hair done, Friday I leave for Chicago by train to go to a kink event by myself.

Sometimes I can’t help but think, “what a strange, disparate, life.”

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Update: She’s out of surgery, everything went well. Hopefully she will be discharged in 3-5 days.

 

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