(I had to giggle when I googled “female dominant” and this image came up: “Wonder Woman is dominating at the box office.” There are so many inside and not-so-inside connotations to the image. But mostly it made me realize I don’t have ANY images of me with a dominant woman that I can share. That’s how rare an occurrence it is for me. In spite of being so completely delicious.)
The Kink of the Week this time is Female Domination, which is strangely coincidental, since I have 1. recently bottomed to a woman, and 2. my Owner is in negotiations to do a double-topping scene with another woman for an upcoming event.
No, I don’t equate bottoming to a woman to “FemDom” – not even to domination, really. At least in my life, as it stands, currently (that’s a fuckton of disclaimers there, isn’t it?) When I think of FemDom, or being dominated at all (by a woman or a man) it involves much more than when I just play with someone. And yet, if we look at what’s happening in the moment of that play, yes, there is definitely domination. And yes, obviously, I am submitting to that person in that moment. But that is so contained, so situationally dictated, that it doesn’t feel like domination.
I don’t know that I could be the submissive of a female dominant. But damn, in play, with the right woman? It’s been hot as hell.
I’m not sure why the idea of submitting to a male dominant works for me, but to a female – just doesn’t. Maybe it’s because I haven’t found one that I could trust that way? In every situation where it’s been a possibility, there’s always been a third party – usually her/our partner/lover/dominant – and the complexity of that configuration, the imbalances and possible conflicts of interest, cause me to put up guards that I might not otherwise. To be guarded, where I might otherwise be open and willing to accept the other’s domination. Where I might want another’s domination. But, if it’s hard to allow myself to believe that a male might have my best interests at heart – and lets face it, that’s not an easy emotional line to cross as a single submissive in a secondary poly relationship – it’s even harder for me to place that kind of trust in another woman. In the other woman. And those are the only situations in my life where the potential for being the submissive to a woman has come up.
Bottoming to / being the play partner of a dominant woman, or a woman Top, however, has come up several times, to my (usually unending) delight.
I love women. I am sexually attracted to women. I love BDSM. BDSM is, if not entirely about sex, at least connected to it in a huge way for me. And I am a submissive, a bottom. Being used, tormented, played with, teased, hurt and driven to the edge of my mental, physical and emotional limits by a woman that wants to dominate me that way in a scene… Whoa. Mmmph. That’s hot.
There’s a particular energy there that there isn’t between a male Top and female bottom. I’m not being sexist when I say this (I don’t think.) I just think there is a different chemistry. At least in my experience. There’s a heat that is deeply and exclusively female. And, even in the hardest, most brutal scene, there is a softness to that other female body that isn’t there with a male. An awareness of that other as – not other. I think of how I imagine aftercare to be with a woman … with a male, if I turn into him and he holds me in the aftermath of a scene, he might take me sexually. And, because of the headspace I inhabit as a submissive to him, to his male energy, that completes the scene in a way that works for us both. I fall asleep in his arms after he has beaten me, taken me down, and fucked me, and I am content. But with a woman, she holds me, and I sink into…this feminine space that we both inhabit, that we share, and if there is sex after, it is mutual, a giving on both our parts.
Maybe that last part is fantasy; it’s never been a part of the aftercare when I’ve been involved in with a woman dominant! But even non-sexual aftercare has felt like this to me.
So what about the flip side to this? To me being Dominant?
I can’t, bottom line. I am not, nor ever will be, a Dominant. To a male or female. And I can’t – often – even be a Top. But I have found, in certain very specific circumstances, that I can play “Toppy” with my Dominant. And I like it. Sometimes, I even want to play that way, as opposed to him instigating – or demanding – it. But it’s very much playing a role. And, in terms of at least he and I – because I desire and need his Dominance so much – many times it is also a way to instigate further, deeper dominance on his part. Retribution. It’s pre-approved bratting, hoping to get put back in my place. ;-)
Kiss the lips below to see who else is getting kinky.