A Mish-Mash of Things

I suppose that should be “things” lowercase t, but it’s a title, so it’s “Things” capital-T, even though it’s really just a random, unsorted, largely unrelated and probably not too interesting mish-mash of thoughts. I haven’t had time or inclination to write much, until this moment really, when I trudged up the third stairway to my room, a little wobbly from a very strong white Russian, but not wobbly-headed enough that I couldn’t contemplate putting fingers to keyboard. And suddenly I wanted to.

My second WR is next to me on my nightstand, so we shall see how far I get. LOL

Really, I should be spending every spare moment crocheting a gift I am making for my sister, but obviously I am not. Hah – crochet. That will be my number one not-very-interesting thing.

Crochet

I am making this for my sister. Which, frankly, freaks me out a little because my Sis has never been the whimsical type. But okay, she says she wants it, and I am the crocheter in the family, so I will (attempt) to make it for her.

Okay, okay, I know it’s almost Christmas. And it’s maybe a little more complex than I thought at first. But hey, I was busy trying to finish the mermaid blanket she asked for last year that I haven’t finished. In PINK. When did my Sis turn into such a…girlie girl?

I kind of like it. But it’s still a whole new way of seeing her. Is it me that missed seeing this part of her, or her that changed? And how often do we do that in a lifetime – change? Or miss the essence of what each other is?

We Go to the Woo Shop

I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised that my daughter is embracing learning about Tarot as much as she is… Well actually, even knowing how level-headed the girl is, I am not surprised that she jumped at the opportunity to learn Tarot when I asked her if she’d like to learn with me. She tries to be the ultimate grounded, anti-woo person, but the metaphysical, the mystical, the desire to see more than the here-and-now, has always been a part of her. It just needs a little fertilizer and water to grow it. So we went to the woo-shop and bought her (and I) decks of fairly traditional Rider-Waite tarot cards and books to learn with (I have several more non-traditional decks, but wanted to learn with her on the original cards, as I’ve never mastered them, only dabbled (as I do most things.) I was thrilled but not surprised that she jumped right in, both feet, with enthusiasm and curiosity.

Frankly, I don’t know how much I believe in “reading” the cards. Except that – in certain people’s hands – they seem to…tell a story. To give meaning and guidance. And I love embarking on this new learning with her and feel blessed every day that we can share so many things.

Is it wrong to value my friendship with her so? Some edict we have both ignored that “thou shall not love they mother/daughter as thy friend”? I don’t know; moreover I don’t care. How wonderful it is to know her in this way.

Psychedelic Panda – Edit: Puma. Psychedelic Puma. Because I’ma kitty, see?

At least I think that’s what he called it.
I went to a family Christmas party (NOT a holiday party, they are CHRISTIANS (damn it) and, you know, know “the meaning off the season!”) with Ad’s family and actually, in spite of my snarkiness here, it was fun. We did a rob-your-neighbor gift exchange, and I robbed my neighbor for the above blankie and a silly jewelry holder in the shape of a caticorn, and like last year, when I bargained hard for a unicorn soap dish, I think his family was a little nonplussed. But that’s ok, Ad gets me, and laughed, and when V told me I’d have to wear it one day so he could fuck a psychedelic panda puma, well, that made their confusion all the more worthwhile.

The Other Shoe

Yeah so I wish this was about sexy shoes. It’s not – it’s about wondering when the “other shoe” will drop. It’s hard to stay positive, to not worry about the worst, when left in a vacuum. V and I have very little communication at night, after we get off our usual drive-home chat. It’s right, he has his family and primary relationship to focus on, and we’ve worked really hard to honor that. It’s sometimes difficult for me, when our actual time together is restricted so much, but restrictions against communicating “outside” permissable times have eased to a degree, and we occasionally share a text message back and forth. I am always careful never to expect anything back from him. If he replies, great, if not, then that is understood and respected. Usually though, in these circumstances, he will at least send a quick text, letting me know he doesn’t want to be disturbed, or is busy, or whatever.

Tonight he didn’t.

I had actually texted something I needed an answer about, regarding clarification on some instruction he had given me for the evening. Although we don’t have open communication in the evenings, he will usually leave me with instructions, and I am to report back to him on my compliance or accomplishment of them, whether or not he replies. But usually, especially with the easing of some of the restrictions, if I have a direct question, he will answer. Tonight (feeling especially, suddenly, excited about accomplishing a task/punishment he had set before me several days ago) I needed some bit of clarification, and texted him. I was excited because, after several days of having no mental/emotional energy for the task, and even knowing it was something that I might not enjoy, I had found a way to be there, to do as I was told, to accomplish what he had set me to do. I was thrilled that I was finally going to be able to please him with my compliance, my obedience – my willingness to submit, to debase myself even, because he required it of me, because he desired it of me.

For two long hours I waited for some kind of answer, at least some acknowledgement that he had seen my text. Even if he couldn’t address it.

It didn’t come.

The last time this had happened…it had meant Bad Things were happening. Bad Things that affected our relationship, even though I wasn’t even there. Now, granted, that was a long time ago. Almost two years? At least 18 months. But. Once you’ve been through that…it leaves marks. And fear. Fear that it will happen again.

It hadn’t. He was – of course – just busy. And I did better at reining in my runaway imagination, the one that always, always, always imagines the worst (because hey, it’s happened before, right?). But even as I typed back, “No problem, I understand!” I felt this sad, sick feeling in my stomach. When will I ever not fear the other shoe dropping??

Work That Body

So I was frankly amazed that I worked out with a friend (“Workout Bunny Buddies!”) and enjoyed it. A lot!

I have never worked out with a friend. In fact, I have actively resisted working out with anyone (except for yoga, and even then very selectively) because…

Well. Because I am un-athletic, self-conscious in the extreme when it comes to things physical, not very motivated and not very good at anything requiring grace or physical dexterity. I’m an embarrassment, to myself and anyone around me, when it comes to all manner of exercise. But…I went out on a limb the other day, and asked a friend if we could work out together occasionally, and she said yes! And we did, for the first time yesterday.

I know, not a habit yet, but I stopped myself, just for a moment after we got done, to savor in the good things I was feeling. I want to remember that feeling when I want to cancel tomorrow. Or any other day. And part of that really good feeling was doing it with a friend. Not trying to keep up, because we were both doing different things, but…I don’t know. Knowing she was there, and I was there because she was. It made a difference. Which leads me to…

My Obsession with My Fitbit

Adam finally got me one (and himself) and I LOVE it. I can’t get enough of it. If anything will whip me into shape, it’ll be that little device. But honestly, I think I’m too far gone now to be whipped into shape. Maybe whipped on a St. Andrew’s cross…

But that’s another thing entirely.

And Yet Another Island!

Here now I am at the end of my blurting things out, the end of the “mish-mash.” And here are some vaca pics, from our last days. Oh how I miss the tropics already!

Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *