Wow. Okay, here we are at the beginning – the very beginning – of a new year, of 2019. Every year since W passed I start the new year thinking, “He should be here. What would it be like if he was here?” I still miss him. I can’t help but wish I’d been standing between him and Ad on New Year’s Eve, counting down the seconds til we could throw our arms about one another, say goodbye to the past year and celebrate being there to ring in the new. Not – as I was – simply being grateful that NYE had passed without too much drama.
Life is so very very different now. The life I envisioned, the life I had, is gone. Has been, for a long time now. I’ve finally come to a place where I don’t feel that my life is less than it was. As I look back on the past year, I see so much damned growth. Growth that, if I am honest, would not have happened if W was here. I know, in my heart of hearts, that this is why he chose to leave me. He chose to make me live without him, so that I would not be forced to live with what he would have become. To let me thrive, rather than give my life to an invalid. I still don’t forgive him for that. How is that for supremely fucked up? To hold a grudge against a dead man? But I’m still so fucking mad at him for that.
But I know why he did it.
I want, every day, to make myself worthy of that sacrifice, in some small way. To be worthy of that gift.
These are the things I think about now on NYE, as we raise our champagne glasses and count down the seconds and cheer and do all the stupid new years things we do. I look around and I wonder how many really feel gratitude for this gift they have been given, to be with the one(s) they love.
And then I stop, and I apply that question to myself.
At midnight this year I kissed Ad (3 months ago I wasn’t certain I’d be doing that) and turned to kiss Viper (3 days ago I wasn’t certain I wanted to be doing that) and said goodbye to a year that had had its ups and downs and thought “please oh please let this year be better,” instead of looking at what I do have. At what I have and have had to be grateful for. I realize how much I have failed at doing exactly as W wanted for me; exactly as I accuse those “others” of doing: not being grateful for the love that I have right here.
It’s not easy to love imperfect people. I say that knowing that I am the most imperfect of all. Relationships aren’t easy; they are strange and difficult and challenging and hard to navigate at times. But they are also the only true reason to exist. There is nothing after this – there is only now, who we are and what we do, and the people who we love; who share this moment with us.
I don’t have any big new year resolutions. I really just want “things to be better.” But I also realize “things being better” starts with me. I can make my life better for me. And today, the first day of 2019, is when that has to start.
I can make myself worthy of W’s love for me; of his sacrifice. One small moment at a time.