I had a totally different idea of the image I was going to post today – another one from my Saturday adventuring with Allan – but then I ended up here, alone, experiencing the after-effects of the event we’d just been at and the choices I make in living the way I do. Text messages, when I might prefer loving hands, skin on skin, a warm body and arms holding me.
Adam, via text, moments ago: “I think we have gotten to bedtime. Love you!”
And Viper, moments later: “Gonna go ahead and say goodnight…”
And I am here, alone because I choose to be, but also alone because I can’t pick and choose when to be alone. Sometimes, when I don’t wanna be…here I am.
But it’s not as bad as it has been before. Sub-drop is not quite as hard; I’ve learned to manage as an only. As my own primary.
So tonight, because i get to choose exactly what I want to do and have no one telling me what I ought to do, I worked out after work, then came home and made myself a drink and ran a bath. I really wanted a picture of my favorite bruise of the weekend, and that led to touching myself in a gentle, desultory way in the warm water: not for sexual gratification but because I wanted to feel hands on my skin; wanted to feel sensual pleasure.
I have unpacking and straightened up to do, and this always has a centering and calming effect on me, but not right now. I don’t want to feel I’m “doing housework.” Self-care means indulging myself just a bit. Housework can wait until tomorrow. The bath, the warm water and steam, and my own hands…that’s what I need now.