Or weeks, I guess. It started with a weekend alone that didn’t turn out the way I planned during which my blogs both crashed and I was faced with the possibility of them not being recoverable. In the face of that I was overwhelmed with feeling like I’m nobody’s priority. Things just went downhill from there. So here I am, ten days into March and I haven’t written a word since my last 2019 Photofest post on Feb. 28. I’m proud I finished it out, and I was proud of my entry and ranking for Round 2 of the Smut Marathon, but the bottom line is I just haven’t had it in me to write much. Maybe, as As Hy said in her Boobday post Friday, I blew my writing wad with the Photofest. But I know there is more to it than just that.
The debacle with my sites being down for 5 days and the concomitant fear that my content both here and on K&P would be unrecoverable was far more traumatic than I could have imagined it would be. It couldn’t have happened at a worse time. The end of February is a hard time for me emotionally anyway; when I found out my blog content might be gone (I have been stupid and not backed it up) it felt, in a bizarre way, like I was losing W all over again. All of our stories – I had written everything there, and it was quite possibly gone for good. It wasn’t rational, I know that, but feelings aren’t rational. And in that moment of weakness, of despair, when I needed someone to turn to, neither of the men I love was available in one way or another.
It sucked a lot.
And threw into question everything I’ve been thinking about how I am living my life. What I want and what I have, what it looks like in reality and what is a fantasy. I’ve been doing lots of thinking, and a good bit of talking, but living my life out loud, here on the blog, well sometimes it’s too hard to sit here and write through it.
I’m tired now. My body aches from hiking today, and I wonder if this physical space is the new normal. My heart aches from wanting more than I can have, and I wonder if this emotional space is simply my normal – though it’s not so new. Is there some kind of physical therapy I can do to combat this physical weakness? Is there some kind of emotional therapy I can do to combat my emotional weakness?
I don’t have any answers. Maybe I never will.