I was thrilled when Brigit of Brigit Writes announced that she was posting a “catch-up” week for the Erotic Journal Challenge prompts, allowing writers to answer any (or all) of the questions they had missed the first time around. (Or to add another post to one they had answered previously.) I had answered the first one, but had been too busy or just felt that I didn’t have enough to say that I hadn’t already said about the others. So this gives me a chance to answer some of the questions I missed in Q & A format, and not feel like I have to do a whole blog post on each one. We’ll see how it goes – if I get long-winded on any of them I may break it out on its own.
Prompt #2: Discovery – When did you discover your own sexuality? For example, when was the first time you masturbated or realized you could feel physical sexual pleasure? When did you first feel sexual desire? How did you address it?
I can recall feeling sexual pleasure, without knowing what it was, when I was quite young, maybe 9 or 10? I discovered it quite by accident – I would climb a pole and slide down it. The longer I held on, the better it felt. I don’t think I ever orgasmed, though I just knew there was something I wanted really badly. Interestingly, though I didn’t know it was sexual, I did feel embarrassed by what I was doing, and worried that someone would see me. I’m not sure how I could have developed shame about pleasure – that I didn’t even understand as sexual – so early, but there it is. Perhaps that is why erotic embarrassment is such a kink of mine.
The first time I deliberately tried to give myself an orgasm was after reading the Hite Report book on sexuality. My older sister had it in her bookshelf and I sneaked and read it while she was out. A woman said that she masturbated by tilting her pelvis up under the faucet in the bathtub, so I tried it – and it worked! So well that that was my preferred way to get off for a long time. I wish I could change out my shower head, actually, since I am not limber enough to scrunch under the faucet anymore!
Prompt #3: Dirty Talk – How do you feel about dirty talk? Are you any good at it? Does it turn you on? Do you have any good stories about it?
Oh good lord am I BAD at dirty talk. I love it! All kinds: dirty stories, being called slut, etc., hearing what a partner wants to do or is doing to me, the filthier the better (“Oh baby I want to fuck your ass,” gets me every time.) But I am bad at it. How I wish I could talk a sexy story like I can write one. But, alas, I cannot. I mumble, I stutter, I feel foolish and clam up. I am BAD BAD BAD at it. And don’t ask me to tell you a) what I want or b) whisper dirty somethings at you. Words just don’t come, and if they do, it always takes me right out of what I’m doing because I know I sound like a porn star -cliched and artificial. NOT sexy. I really wish I was better.
My kink partner, however, is pretty good at it. Mostly at telling dirty stories while we’re fucking – he doesn’t do the name-calling much, or the directives like telling me what he is going to do to me or is doing to me often – but he can get pretty filthy with the stories in his head, and he especially enjoys making me get off to the worst of them, the ones I find really objectionable but can’t help getting turned on by when he’s making me listen – or forcing me to talk back to him about them.
Prompt #5: Hurt – Have you ever been hurt sexually (physically, emotionally, mentally)? How do you think this impacts your likes/dislikes, what you gravitate toward or what you shy away from when it comes to sex? (You can think of this hurt in positive or negative terms.)
There was once a guy I was dating that did something really cruel: he asked me if I would be into having sex with him and a friend, and then, when I hesitantly said I might, he told me I was a slut and a whore (and not in the fun “dirty talk” way from the previous question), and that I sickened and disgusted him. Then he kicked me out of his vehicle and left me there at a gas station. I had never really thought about kinky or “deviant” sex before then – I was very young and a bit naive, in spite of the fact that I had started having sex when I was barely 15 and moved in with my boyfriend when I was 16 – and to be honest at the time when he asked me, I wasn’t really sure I would be into it. But, being me, being a pleaser even then, I answered the way I thought he wanted me to, even though I was super hesitant. And he humiliated me for expressing an interest in it.. It was awful, a horrible experience, and it left some emotional scars; it also kept me from exploring anything even mildly kinky until a much later time in my life. To this day I have difficulty admitting to the things I want, to my own desires, even with someone I trust. But in a peculiar way, it also informed my sexuality. That very same embarrassment and fear of being shamed is a huge turn-on for me. Being made to tell these things, these secret fantasies, is a huge part of my kink. We really do imprint early, don’t we?
Prompt #6: Style – How would you describe your sexual style?
I am (obviously) submissive sexually. I like the other person to lead, to initiate, to take control, to tell me what to do. And although I do get off on some kinds of pain, I think it is more this aspect – being controlled – that is at the heart of my sexuality. Pain play reinforces that, which is hot; but pain play is also an aspect all its own, and can be unlinked from the sexual part.
Prompt #7: Distress – Do you find anything distressing or uncomfortable about your sexual thoughts, fantasies, desires, or actions? (past or present)
See Prompt #5, above. But that sexual/erotic embarrassment is interwoven into my sexuality so much that it is part of what makes me tick sexually. The discomfort itself is part of the turn-on.
That said, One of V’s great pleasures (and a turn-on for him) is to deliberately find erotic thoughts/images/fantasies that make me uncomfortable – and make me aroused by them. I have no idea how that works…I find myself when I’m *not* with him revisiting the things that he’s planted in my fantasies, and using them as wank fodder, even tho I find them objectionable. I’m guessing again I’m keying in to him controlling me, controlling even my fantasies…
Prompt #8 Reading – Reading can spur a lot of erotic emotions, thoughts, and actions. Write about the books, magazines, or other reading materials that have shaped your sexuality.
Hah. So here we go back even earlier to that issue of embarrassment or shame. This time it’s more in being caught reading things and being turned on by things I know are “taboo.” I read the Hite Report in secret when I was about 14, as well as Nancy Friday’s My Secret Garden and the first Beauty book. The Beauty books were clearly “deviant” to me, and as such shameful to be interested in or caught reading, and in the others I gravitated towards stories that were definitely not “normal” fantasies, which I also recognized as needing to be hidden and feeling embarrassed about. Oddly enough, because I grew up in a home that never talked at all about sex, and in a town in which alternative sexualities were simply not “a thing,” (or so everyone would have you believe) the things I read about – even ones that are perfectly normal to me now – were so foreign and exotic that I really didn’t consider them “real.” They were literally fantasies, not something a person could actually do…say, how I think of tentacle porn, now. So when that long-ago would-be boyfriend asked me if I’d like to try something like that, that was the first time I had thought of it as a real live possibility.
Prompt #9, 3/2-3/10: Watching – Similar to reading about sex, watching sex can definitely influence what we think or feel sexually. Write about the films, television shows, or porn that have shaped your sexuality.
I can’t say that visual pornography even came much into my sexual lexicon much before V. I mean, there *were* some things with W, but mostly those were things we talked about, and then, occasionally, I’d go look at online to see it for real, and then, might try. In other words, nothing like the fantasy stuff you can see now with anime and such, and that I look at now occasionally, because V is into it. Straight up porn has really never done much for me, unless it has some element of extreme kink or is the fantastical, though I do seek it out much more now when I am fucking myself. But that seems to be a key – it is also something I feel embarrassment about, so don’t share or do with others.
Ack…it’s 5 am and I have been up since 3! I’m supposed to be getting up in 2 hours. So I’ll sign off for now, and leave the other prompts undone. Thanks again, Brigit, for helping to stir up the writing inspiration in me!