This month I am once again participating – officially, this time – in the A to Z Blogging Challenge. It’s been for around for a few years now – ten, actually, according to their website, though I have only participated in it unofficially once, last year. (I didn’t hear about it till after the cut-off to sign-up had closed, so I just did it on my own.) I can’t recall just now if I actually finished it (what, me, not finish a thing? ha!) but I do remember that it gave me a boost in motivation and a prompt to write to daily, which I always enjoy. This time I am an “official” A to Z’er – you can find me listed on this spreadsheet along with dozens of other bloggers.
Originally I hadn’t planned to blog to a theme (isn’t sex and kink and relationships enough of a theme?) but after giving it some thought this weekend, I’ve decided that April will have a theme after all: GRATITUDE.
This was a rough March, and coming out of that, I need to remind myself (and be reminded) of the things that are good in my life. (For those of you new here, my long-time partner died unexpectedly and brutally in March of 2015. Due to his family’s cruelty, I was not allowed to see him or say goodbye to him in the last month of his life. So March tends to be a rough month, tho maybe a little less so every year.) Anyway, coming out of that, I need reminders. Reminders that life goes on, that spring comes, that healing doesn’t mean forgetting, that I love and am loved and it’s okay to be happy. Yes, many of these posts are still going to be the sexy raunchy kinds of good, but there will also be some that are silly, happy, schmoopy vanilla posts, too. Because sex and kink are only a part of a much larger, much grander, whole.
Today’s word is ABUNDANCE.
After several weeks of angst and raw emotions, of questioning everything I do and the choices I’ve made, I spent the weekend experiencing the abundance and variety that is my life. I don’t always remember that it is so. It is weekends like these that make me appreciate how fortunate I am to be able to lead the life I do. It also reminded me to take to heart a realization I had recently: for my own happiness, for my own contentment, I need to be my own primary.
It’s no secret that prior to this realization, V was the absolute center of my world. As a submissive, it’s hard not to make the D to my s my center – it’s almost in the definition of D/s. It’s hard in particular for me not to do because of my own emotional make-up. Healthy or unhealthy, it’s what I’ve always done in my relationships, even before D/s. But at some point recently, as I was pondering the imbalance naturally engendered by being secondary to someone who I consider my primary, I recognized that the times I was most content with my life, the times that I am content to be a secondary, that I appreciate choosing to do solo poly, that I am happy having chosen this life, are times when he isn’t the center of my life. Times when I am my own primary, and he is in addition to an already full life. A good addition, to be sure, and one I wouldn’t want to not have, but not the primary focus of my life. I still feel that this is difficult to manage in a D/s relationship – but that is why D/s has taken a back burner for the moment.
Do I miss the connection that D/s affords me? Of course I do. But I can’t focus on the other things that make me happy if I am focused on him all the time. It’s hard to focus on, and be present in, the here and now if I am missing him, wishing he could be a part of it, or feeling a sense of loss – or resentment – because he isn’t part of it.
This weekend, while he and I did spend a (wonderful) Saturday night and Sunday morning together, I also spent some one-on-one time with a friend Thursday night; I had a date night with myself Friday night, eating a scrumptious dinner in one of my favorite restaurants and then seeing a movie on my own; then Saturday afternoon before I saw V, instead of being upset that, as usual, he couldn’t see me during the day, I went to a kink class on artistic cutting with my roommate, and she carved a design in my skin. Then Sunday, after brunch with V, instead of being upset that (as usual) he wasn’t able to spend any daylight hours with me, I happily sent him on his way (after he gave me a thorough and much-appreciated caning in the dining room) and invited Adam over to do one of the things we enjoy most – to take a coddiwomple (I love this blog’s definition of coddiwomple-ing.) We planned a camping trip with the roommate, then spent part of the day at the Botanical Gardens, where we bought seed potatoes for my garden and a $14 bag of cookies (and ate them all on the walk back home) and wandered around hunting Pokemon until I was too cold to hold my phone anymore. Then on a whim we took a drive to the hinterlands of Missouri looking at land for sale, and had dinner in a strange little bar while we played cribbage. Then we came home, cuddled up with Felix, read in bed and spooned all night.
Tonight I am home with myself, enjoying the quiet after physical therapy and grocery shopping. I don’t usually enjoy shopping, but sometimes, knowing that I get to buy exactly what I want – good or bad – brings me a lot of pleasure. Tonight it was all healthy food and good choices.
I feel good.