Viper wanted me to do dishes in just my top the other morning. He thought it would be naughty and scandalously indecent for me to be traipsing around with my bottom hanging out in their kitchen, in front of their big picture windows (ok so the windows face their backyard, but, you get the idea.) He didn’t realize my blouse came down over my butt. So, not so scandalous. I felt sorry for him not getting to see my butt, so I gave him a little flash.
Brigit of Brigit Writes has posed the question for the Erotic Journal Challenge, “What make you feel sexy?” I’d have to say being a little “indecent” hits my sexy button pretty hard. Showing a little too much leg, wearing a dress cut down to “there” in front or back, material that clings to all my curves suggestively. A lacy bra showing under a sheer or low-cut blouse. Or, you know, flashing skin at my Owner for his pleasure.
High heels make me feel sexy and powerful too, every time. In fact, I find it hard to feel sexy when I’m dressed up but NOT in high heels. I can be dressed in the hottest, sexiest dress, but if I’m in flats I feel…well…flat. Unexceptional. I love how I can strut in my heels.
Dressing in fetishwear and prancing about in the dungeon does it too, as does when we play in front of everyone. Being able to take a really hard scene, or being made to do, well, just about anything – service, humiliation play, kitty play, sexual play – at a party makes me feel hot and sexy as well.
But none of this would be true if I didn’t feel good about me. I know “sexy is as sexy does” but for me, being able to feel sexy only happens if I feel good about myself first. And that has a lot more to do with how I feel up here *pointing at my head* than with what’s going on with the rest of me.
It does mean I need to feel good about how I look, I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t. But feeling good about how I look is often a result of me feeling strong, feeling capable. When I was running, I felt incredibly sexy at the apex of my run, my lungs working overtime, my muscles straining but still carrying me on, the sweat pouring off my body. When I was swimming, being able to do 120 laps, even if half of them were on my back, made me feel like a goddess. Physical exertion did all kinds of good things for my mental health – and as a by product, when I felt strong physically and clearheaded mentally, I felt sexy.
I am struggling a little with that right now. I am doing things that are good for my body; I *am* getting healthier. But I am having to adjust how I see myself, what I think of as “sexy” a bit. I can’t run anymore. I don’t wear heels very much. I’m not comfortable in a lot of the skimpy outfits that I used to wear – they just don’t fit anymore.
I guess if I’m being honest, I have to acknowledge that my feeling sexy is often a result of someone else finding me sexy. That’s been a difference since W’s been gone. He was always telling me how hot he thought I was. He took a million pictures of me because he wanted to show me – and the world – how sexy he found me. In his eyes, I was sexy, and because of that, I believed I was. Adam has never been very verbal about whether or not he liked how I looked. Actually, he liked me best in sweats and a t-shirt, he once said. So his opinion of what was sexy and mine diverged. And V, well…I know he finds me attractive, I mean he’s always ready for a fuck, but I think sometimes he is just in his own head, or off on a tangent somewhere that he doesn’t even see me in that way. Or if he does he doesn’t say so. He reacts exactly the same if I show up in sexy lingerie and fuck-me heels as if I show up in yoga pants in a ponytail and no make-up. I know, because I’ve done experiments to see. It can be very deflating, even though I am absolutely sure that he *does* find me sexy. But it’s hard to feel so in the face of his seeming indifference. Perhaps that has also had an impact on my own perceptions of myself as sexy.
I *am* trying to combat that. I am trying to find my inner sexy for myself, without relying on the “male gaze.” But it’s hard going. I don’t want to feel sexy just for myself.