#AtoZChallenge – O is for Orgasms

Of course it is!

In the past I have had a rather robust sex life that included lots and lots of orgasms, either achieved with one of my partners, or alone, at Viper’s behest or for his pleasure. Owning me meant owning my sexual pleasure; owning my orgasms. He could grant them, demand them, or take them away. So it’s been a little bit of a sea change for me lately, not having to ask for an orgasm; not risking being told no; not playing with myself or having orgasms for his pleasure.

Enough of a change that for the first 2-3 weeks, I didn’t think about sex or orgasms even once. It was like my body and imagination had closed up shop. And then, along with the #AtoZChallenge, I saw that April was also the month of the #30DayOrgasmFun meme, hosted by Tabitha Rayne. I had participated in it before (last year or the year before? I can’t recall) but, even with the assertion that it was supposed to be fun, and not a challenge, I had had a hard time internalizing that. In the end it had felt like too much pressure – which is the exact opposite of Tabitha’s intention with it. But, while I wasn’t going to join in again this year, it did remind me: I can have sex with myself, for myself. And I can even enjoy it.

I know, not so much a huge revelation. But, at that moment, an important one. It was like I had been given license to have sex with myself again, any way I chose – and using any fantasy, smut or porn that I wanted!

I can’t say I was like a kid in a candy shop – I have still only had sex with myself a handful of times since then – but it’s been interesting, finding my own way around my body again. Indulging in some old favorite go-to’s for wank material. Using my toys and my fingers and my mind for my own pleasure.

It’s not always easy though. I am still incredibly sexually keyed to my relationship with V, to his control, to the kind of permission/denial/commanding nature of his control of my sex life and orgasms, so much so that at first it was difficult to feel enough oomph to even be interested in coming. But I persevered! And I have been pleasantly surprised with my own ardor, with how nice it feels to decide that I want an orgasm – and to have it.

Comments

  1. Julie

    Interesting, I’m not sure how I’d react if I regained control of my own orgasms. I’m pretty sure that I’d manage though, much like you are.

    Reply

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