Waiting for the tide to come in.

I was thinking about writing a Masturbation Monday tonight, but realized I don’t have it in me just now. I did work on my entry for the Smut Marathon, so there’s a spark of sexiness floating around out there, but really, it’s a feeble spark, and easily doused. It’s been that way for several weeks now. No sex, no kink, no erotic energy to speak of. There’s lots of reasons – life has been chaotic in ways just not conducive to sexiness – but damn. I miss it. I can’t remember the last time I had a good BDSM scene. And Saturday night’s sex with V was the first in almost the same amount of time. I feel like we’ve forgotten what that kind of energy feels like. And though I know (hope) it will come back, there’s this fear that it won’t. Kind of like the D/s has not come back.

Oh, there are good things and good days of doing other things, in between us all suffering from a miserable cold, my recovery from surgery, an incident with my dog that may cost his life, continued back pain and uncertainty about that, and the assorted mundane BS of normal lives, but really?

I WANT MY KINK BACK.

V says I really need to focus on a bigger, more important goal right now: getting my back healthy enough to do the backpacking trip in the Grand Canyon that I have committed myself to. That every thought, every ounce of energy, has to be focused on that goal. I have three months to get there. So he’s right. That has to be my focus.

BUT I MISS KINK.

I can live without D/s, I suppose. I am doing a fair job of it right now. But I feel a giant hole where kink used to live.

He says it will come back. We’ll be there again. The “tide will come in” again. But will it? Maybe we’ve reached a place where there aren’t any more tides. Our relationship feels like it’s lost its urgency; that maybe we’ve reached that “old married couple” stage, without the security (for me) of having the “married” part. I know what that feels like, having been married. Comfortable, secure, not worried about a lack of urgency or not being “interesting” any more. Because, you know, you’re there for the long haul. Who needs urgency when you have security?

This is both the pro and con of being solo poly. I know this. I still struggle with it. I want to be exciting to my lover. I want him (or her) to be exciting to me. How do we regain that?

It’s the natural ebb and flow of relationship, he says. It’ll come back. But meanwhile, I ache. For dominance, for pain, for being controlled and pushed and finding that edge of endurance. For wanting so badly I can taste it. For every waking moment being lived to the thrum of, “I want him, I need him, I can’t stand all these hours till I see him.” I want to fall into that space of quietude, of silence within, only to awaken to a roaring need

But I can’t find it. It’s not there in me because it’s not there in him. For yes, all the reasons above. But I worry. Maybe that’s not just it. Maybe there’s just no tide anymore.

 

Comments

  1. Brigit Delaney

    I hope you find what you need. Relationships do ebb and flow, and sometimes just stop altogether, but maybe the outlook will seem better when you are healthier? Not everyone is happy with security. I know my Husband is not, and in your position He would lose His ever loving mind. He’d force the issue until we were back to a place that worked for Him. I’ve really nothing to say or offer other than I hope you feel better soon and that you find an outlet for your needs. I know what it feels like to think you’ve lost your mojo. It affects every facet of life.

    Reply
    1. Jade Post author

      It really does,doesn’t it? I use sex and kink as pleasure, but also as stress relief, as gauge for assessing how things are going, as a way to escape when things *aren’t* going great. It’s kind of a Catch-22. It makes me feel good, but I can’t muster it up when I don’t.

      Reply
    1. Jade Post author

      Thanks, me too. I believe they will, they always do. It’s just these moments of despondency that I have to wade through.

      Reply
  2. Molly Moore

    Oh I feel you so much here. The whole long-term relationship comfort thing is some thing I really struggle with. I want the sex and the kink and yes sometimes some passion and urgency. Yes security is lovely as is the intimacy but I need the other stuff too and it makes me feel meh when it doesn’t happen.

    Molly

    Reply

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