I was thinking about writing a Masturbation Monday tonight, but realized I don’t have it in me just now. I did work on my entry for the Smut Marathon, so there’s a spark of sexiness floating around out there, but really, it’s a feeble spark, and easily doused. It’s been that way for several weeks now. No sex, no kink, no erotic energy to speak of. There’s lots of reasons – life has been chaotic in ways just not conducive to sexiness – but damn. I miss it. I can’t remember the last time I had a good BDSM scene. And Saturday night’s sex with V was the first in almost the same amount of time. I feel like we’ve forgotten what that kind of energy feels like. And though I know (hope) it will come back, there’s this fear that it won’t. Kind of like the D/s has not come back.
Oh, there are good things and good days of doing other things, in between us all suffering from a miserable cold, my recovery from surgery, an incident with my dog that may cost his life, continued back pain and uncertainty about that, and the assorted mundane BS of normal lives, but really?
I WANT MY KINK BACK.
V says I really need to focus on a bigger, more important goal right now: getting my back healthy enough to do the backpacking trip in the Grand Canyon that I have committed myself to. That every thought, every ounce of energy, has to be focused on that goal. I have three months to get there. So he’s right. That has to be my focus.
BUT I MISS KINK.
I can live without D/s, I suppose. I am doing a fair job of it right now. But I feel a giant hole where kink used to live.
He says it will come back. We’ll be there again. The “tide will come in” again. But will it? Maybe we’ve reached a place where there aren’t any more tides. Our relationship feels like it’s lost its urgency; that maybe we’ve reached that “old married couple” stage, without the security (for me) of having the “married” part. I know what that feels like, having been married. Comfortable, secure, not worried about a lack of urgency or not being “interesting” any more. Because, you know, you’re there for the long haul. Who needs urgency when you have security?
This is both the pro and con of being solo poly. I know this. I still struggle with it. I want to be exciting to my lover. I want him (or her) to be exciting to me. How do we regain that?
It’s the natural ebb and flow of relationship, he says. It’ll come back. But meanwhile, I ache. For dominance, for pain, for being controlled and pushed and finding that edge of endurance. For wanting so badly I can taste it. For every waking moment being lived to the thrum of, “I want him, I need him, I can’t stand all these hours till I see him.” I want to fall into that space of quietude, of silence within, only to awaken to a roaring need…
But I can’t find it. It’s not there in me because it’s not there in him. For yes, all the reasons above. But I worry. Maybe that’s not just it. Maybe there’s just no tide anymore.