Ugh…today is one of those days. Having a hard time mustering the energy or desire to pop out of bed. To face the world, to be productive. To human.
I was on the Grand Canyon Trek training bus last week, putting in 5 miles a day at least either walking or hiking, then decided to give myself a day off on Monday, that turned into a night in bed with relationship drama last night, and today… Here I am. Kinda want to be anywhere but here. Well, maybe I want to be HERE – here is my bed. Sleep, sleep like the little gnomy guy, the one in the fairy tale.
That really was yesterday morning. This morning I am sitting at the bar at one of my favorite breakfast places – not having a drink. Eating granola with banana and yogurt and nuts, drinking a decaf latte, feeling the sweat cool on my body after having walked here from home, a mile each way in the already-brutal humidity. (Yeah I spread out, hoping no one will sit close enough to notice, lol.) I did get a compliment on my sports bra from one of the servers (the strappy back is visible under my top.) I don’t think anyone (in the vanilla world) has ever complimented me on my bra in public. (I like that I have to place a “in the vanilla world” disclaimer on that. <smirk>)
Okay, so, yeah, I’m working my way back to good. (I feel like that’s a song…? Oh yeah, there it is, Matchbox Twenty. Anyway…) Anyway. I am. Relationship drama has sucked, but that’s not all there is in my life, and making myself get out of bed and move around yesterday was a big part of reminding myself of that. And today, again.
I was really moved yesterday when I read Brigit Delaney’s comment on my last post.
I have written around the pain points in our relationship (more than) a few times, but seldom as blatantly as I did the other day. I have tried to be circumspect, and to respect the fact that the others involved are not here to present their side of things, and I believe I have succeeded in that, for the most part, even when it has left me frustrated by my self-imposed censorship. But in the end, this is my story – yes, only my side of the story, but still, mine – and sometimes the hurt just spills out. But when I read something like that – that something I said made a difference to someone else, and might even have a positive impact on their own lives – I feel like maybe it was okay to let it out. It also had another effect: it reminds me there is also another human on the “other side” of my own situation. Not simply an impediment or a roadblock to my own happiness, but someone with thoughts, needs, pain points, of their own. I maybe forget that a bit sometimes.
Sometimes I think that the fact there are two “sides” to this now – theirs and mine – is a source of my pain. That moment when it became a “you” and “me” rather than an “us.” Not in the romantic sense (although there is sorrow around that as well) but in the sense that we are all in this relationship together, working toward the common goal of healthy, happy relationships for us all, or we were, and now, it seems, we are not. I own my part in the destruction of that unity, but taking responsibility doesn’t change the reality of it or mitigate my sorrow over it. Unfortunately, it’s easier to be angry, to rage, than to have all the feels, and on top of that I handle rejection really, really badly, and this feels a lot like that, ya know? (Another “growth opportunity,” eh?) I truly do miss the friendship, the “family” time, the feeling of belonging. It wasn’t always easy, but it was worth working for, and somewhere along the line I lost that conviction. Yes, there were *reasons*, but times are, now, that I wonder if we both (all) haven’t learned enough to move on from that, to make a new “us.” Maybe not the same one as the old us, but something that works again.
Anyhow, those are my thoughts today. I don’t know what they will be tomorrow. But hey, stick around, they’ll probably land here!