“How will I know you’re in pleasure, versus pain?” she asked, the first time we played. It’s a legitimate – and important – question, when negotiating a BDSM scene with someone new, for those on both sides of the slash. I’ve asked myself that when watching others’ scenes: How does the Top know that that person screaming is – though in pain – in a “good” place? That it’s good pain? That it’s even something like “pleasure”? I certainly can’t tell from my vantage point. Sometimes, in the midst of things, I can’t even tell if what I’m experiencing is pleasure or pain.
She didn’t need to ask me when we played this time, though. She’d seen my dance, experienced me bouncing up on my tippy-toes and back down to the ground, arching my back and sticking out my ass in pure pleasure/pain. This pleasure, though, is different than when I played with W, when I play with V, or when I’d played with E and now Toy. Each Top puts me in a different place, because my relationship is different with each person.
With her, the other night, there was a bit of sexual frisson, but that was tempered by the realization that this relationship was probably not going to have a sexual component to it. That didn’t change the attraction I felt towards her, and my desire to be desirable to her, but it tempered our play into something more…exhibitionist?…on my part, and perhaps voyeuristic on hers. I got off on making her want to whip me, on knowing she was enjoying watching my body writhe on the cross beneath her hands and whips, as well as the purely physical sensations of pain, then pleasure-in-relief, then pain again. I also got a pretty huge buzz from knowing that we were probably that night’s entertainment, she and I and Toy, at the playspace, which had maybe not witnessed three women playing the way we were before.
Those feelings continued into my play with Toy, who, after A had gotten through whipping me, gave me a thorough hand spanking before she threw me down on the floor and started with some rough body play: punching, slapping and kicking me with boots she’d attached jingle bells to. She and I have been…playing around the edges of a flirtation for awhile. She is in my polycule, though, so I have been carefully hands-off, ever vigilant not to stir up any contention. That is, until this trip. A takedown by her soon evolved into some girl/girl wrestling and ended up with us making out on the floor a bit. Definitely a sexual charge to that pleasure for me.
Tonight I see V for, I assume, some play time. I adore the notion of being “reclaimed” when I have been with others, and I hope that tonight’s play will bring me the pleasure of feeling that. Of course the kinds of pleasure I feel with V spans a wide range: sexual, of course, and the distinct intersection of pleasure, pain & sex; but there are other nuances that come specifically from the dynamics of our relationship, and have little to do with physical pleasure. Emotional, yes, but also something else, something connected to being Owned, to being his. We have taken a break in our D/s while we sort through the recent upheavals and complications of our poly relationship, but even if we aren’t acknowledging the D/s with ritual, it still runs deep between us, and – perhaps because we aren’t acknowledging it other ways? – it feels especially strong when we play now. Like we have to pour all that out to each other in play since we aren’t in real life. Add to that the pleasure of being with someone I’m crazy about, in love with, desire with a fervor that is almost embarrassing, and who feels all those things back, and you have a pretty heady mixture. Pleasure with V is about all those things, it is a surfeit of those things, and more, without even starting on things like the acute pleasure I feel in him teasing me, making me blush, or the pleasure I feel in knowing how much pleasure he takes in hurting me. I love knowing it makes him hard as a rock to hurt me, and the pleasure in that knowledge lasts far beyond any play session. Perhaps that is why it is so painful when our interactions result in arguments; when our expectations are misaligned and I end up discontent and disillusioned. I don’t want to give these pleasures up. It is good, I suppose, to know that I can at least capture some of them with others, but it still cuts through the pleasure I feel at times in a bittersweet way.
This week’s topic “pleasure” was brought to you by your truly, and I’ll also be posting my top 3 on the Wicked Wednesday blog! If you haven’t written a post for it yet, there’s still time. And even if you don’t write one,you need to go over and check all the others out!