“I want to feel like that again,” I said to myself recently, after reading something (I can’t recall exactly what, more’s the pity) that was sexy and erotic and tantalizing and made me feel…well. Sexy, erotic and tantalizing.
When had I stopped feeling that way?
As I wrote that last sentence I had an answer in my head, and I almost wrote it out, but I won’t. I don’t want to do that here, to do that now. I just want to…write. To feel all those things I used to feel when I was writing. I want to be here, be real, be present – but leave behind the angsty Jade I have been. Yes, I want to be authentic, but I also want to shed the authentically angst-ridden person I have been recently.
I don’t know if it is possible.
On the other hand, why not?
That sexy, sassy, adventurous woman-of-a-certain-age is authentically me. Maybe that other part is too, but…hey, “Pieces of Jade,” anyone?? I just want, for a little while, to be the me that…
What? That I wish I was?
I don’t like where that thought-stream took me. But maybe that is as authentic as anything else. I want to be that, to feel that, again. When did I stop living my life, reveling in it, simply being in it?
These thoughts come by way of reading a post in Forbidden Writings on the current #F4TFriday prompt: The Why of Blogging. Actually, it truly came bubbling to the top of my writer-mind from yet a different post in that same blog regarding sexual fantasies, “Central Masturbation Fantasy.” And then, somehow, I ended up on the Wicked Wednesday blog, reading the prompt there: Core. Somehow, it all came together for this post, though if I will be able to connect the dots for you remains to be seen. The connections in my mind are a little hazy, but there they are: can I make it all make sense?
Okay, so maybe a little excavation is in order here. So, the thing that caught my mind in the Forbidden Writings post on fantasies was this:
On its surface, a sexual fantasy is the idea of a situation that is very unlikely to occur unless a large list of conditions were to be met. But the idea of this situation actually occurring brings us to a state of increased arousal, masturbation, and the eventual stronger-than-normal orgasm. Most would take this at face value until you consider other elements of sexual fantasies, such as origin and likeliness to occur. For example, consider the threesome fantasy, which is a very common sexual fantasy shared by 85% of the population. Do you know how much of the population within the United States and U.K. have actually had a threesome? Less than 6%.
I was shocked at that statistic. Only six percent? Seriously? A threesome is such a normal sexual configuration for me – or was, until recently – that it is…normal. That it could be – and apparently is – a nearly unattainable “sexy fantasy” for so many stopped me in my tracks. It’s just part of my (potential) everyday sex life. (I say “potential” because it hasn’t presented itself as a reality for some time, but it certainly could, and probably would if I made even a tiny bit of effort.) Realizing that brought me back to my earlier musings: “I want to feel sexy again.” Not only in real life, in the things I do, but here, in the things I write.
There are reasons I haven’t written about the amazing sexy kinky fun that I’ve had recently. Hell, there are reasons why I haven’t written a lot of times in the past 4 years about those times. Anger, frustration, bitterness… All those emotions have played a part. And, truthfully, an inability to write about the good because I am restricted from writing about the bad – that has played a part, too. A worry that if I don’t talk about it all I am being inauthentic.
I’m still wrestling with that. Am I still me in these pages if I share only selected parts of me? I don’t know the answer to that. But I do know that the reason I started writing here was to share my stories. To share my life, to celebrate what an unconventional life could be. At my core I am an unconventional, sexy, sassy, intelligent and articulate woman with true-life stories of kink and sex and debauchery to share. That’s why I started writing here, and that’s why (I think) I should continue.
So, here I am.
Here is some real-life stuff, though.
- I am writing this on a laptop that has a faulty keyboard. No delete, no number pad. Sounds like a trivial thing, but it’s not. You get used to using a tool a certain way and when you can’t – ouch. My Chromebook is in the shop too, so I’m stuck with this. (I’m angling for a pat on the back for blogging in spite of roadblocks.)
- Every freaking waking moment feels like it’s been consumed with our Grand Canyon trip. From planning to shopping to conditioning – every day is hiking/walking/stairclimbing if I’m not at work, and falling into bed exhausted every night. Except for Saturday, of course. But that was a 3 hour interlude after having hiked 7+ miles.
- I masturbated for the first time in a couple weeks yesterday morning. Don’t know why I felt the need to throw that in there, I just did.
- Menopause is apparently a thing.
- Insurance companies are evil. Truly. Who gave them more authority over my physical/mental well-being than my PCP?? It’s ridiculous.
And that, I think, is all I got. No, no sexiness here. Yet. I’m hoping, with some effort, it will come. (Again and again – ha ha.)