And now we have a Station Break from our regularly scheduled drama, “The Grand Canyon and Beyond,” (soon to be continued – promise!) I’ve had an up-all-night for-no-good-reason kind of night. Sleeping meds finally dropped me over into Morpheous’ arms at about 1:30 a.m., but they only hold for so long, and here it is 5:50 a.m. and I’m awake AF. I’ve got my upcoming trip to Chicago on my mind. It’s to a Thurs-Sun spanking party, and while I was excited for all kinds of reasons to sign up, a lot of those had to do with nostalgia, and wanting to make a statement about this new reality I find myself in, as well as the sheer fun I hoped I would have. And still do hope! But, as with everything, it’s complicated.
One of the sillier complications has to do with clothing; with presentation. I had no idea, all those years ago (6 or 7?) when I went to my first spanking party, the one in Atlantic City, what I was getting myself into. I didn’t have a clue about how different the culture is between spankos and kinksters. Frankly I don’t even know if spankos consider themselves kinksters, kind of like I’m not sure DD folks do, or some folks deep into M/s (although for very different reasons.) Spankos have their own culture, their own mores and an often-unknown-to-outsiders set of rules.
I wasn’t fully aware of this when I went to Atlantic City, and, for the most part I ignored it and went my own way. And I found a delightful group of people who didn’t care, or were even intrigued by it/by me. I was lucky enough to be rooming with (quite accidentally & fortuitously, but with no real idea how fortuitous it was until I met her) with Pandora Blake, the British spanking model, writer and director (dreamsofspanking.com). She introduced me to her friends and admirers, and even specifically to one of her Top friends because I liked “other things” besides paddles, OTK and canes -singletails, floggers and all manner of whips were right up my alley, and he didn’t often get to enjoy play like that with anyone at these parties. But still, I was definitely out of my usual element there, with only Pandora’s presence to give me confidence and an entry into the group.
Later I’ll explain more about how the parties work, and what the differences are between them and the events I am accustomed to attending, but for the moment what is complicating things for me is part of that feeling of not fitting in is the concept of costuming/dress-up.
For me, this isn’t so much about roleplay, because that is still something I have a hard time getting into, but for a lot of the spankos crowd, it very much is: the dressing up is part of the roleplay, which is an integral part of the kink: teacher/student; disciplinarian/disciplined subject (sometimes a father/mother – young person (I hesitate to say child, though I think that can be part of it, usually an adolescent though) scenario); nurse/doctor – patient (tho that seems to be less so), and the like. All of these come with “uniforms” of a sort. Also: panties. Real ones, not thongs. And never a naked puss, though the pulling down of panties to the knees and to the ankles, the pushing up of a skirt, is a thing. Either innocent, or prim and proper, even if, in the vids, the women get sexy later. But not the sexkitten/slutwear I have. Slutty isn’t so much a thing there.
Slutty really IS my thing.
These were all unknown tropes to me before – or at least un-experienced ones. Pandora smoothed the way for my somewhat left-of-center presence there, and I wound up feeling more like an exotic, intriguing pet than an out-of-place oddity, and I made a lot of friends and had an amazing time because of it. I wish she was coming to this party. But she’s not, and I don’t know if anyone there will know/remember me, or visa-versa. Frankly, in my initial interactions on Fet with the group, I feel a little out of place, on the outside looking in, already.
And…I’m not sure how to navigate these already anxiety-producing feelings. Pandora made being accepted by the spankos crowd so much easier, because she is famous in the spanko world, and as her friend, I was accepted, even if I was a little…”different.” I won’t have her there this time. I’ll be specifically and deliberately alone. But…I still want to be accepted! That feeling that I had in Atlantic City…that feeling of being welcomed, of everyone being so friendly and interested and attentive, I want that again! But I don’t think it will be the same. Of course it won’t. And I am having second thoughts about going there, and second thoughts about how to present myself, and I am feeling anxious.
So. First order of the day: dress to fit in. This is going to require shopping. But also, a different mindset. Playing a “role.” Can I do this and still enjoy myself? I guess we’ll see.
I’ll keep ya posted.
Apparently there’s this thing called “Kinktober.” How I got this far in my kink life without knowing it was a thing, I can’t imagine, but I first ran across it on kinkynerdy.com, in their post Kinktober 2019 – How, Why, What? Loving all things writing prompt, I immediately said, “I must do!” “It’ll make me start writing again!” “It’ll give me purpose and motivation!” And then promptly forgot until a couple of days ago. I still love the idea, and if you click through to the Google image search above, you’ll see that a whole bunch of other folks do too, and have created their own lists of prompts. I like Kinky & Nerdy’s list and how they suggest one approach it, in particular (see their “how to”) and recreate it here for you. As you can see, I am using the prompt “Costumes/Dress Up,” for this post. I don’t know how often I’ll post, but I can see several fun ways to intersect things I have wanted to write about with the prompts. Let me know below if you’re planning to or already doing this, I’d enjoy following along with you! I think there is also a #kinktober #kinktober2019 hashtag.
The Erotic Journal – A Change-Up
As Brigit says, “Change is good!” and over on her blog, she has broadened and opened up her weekly meme to a monthly one, allowing more folks to participate without the pressure of having to write each week, and this month, for October, the prompt is Fear, Insecurity, Anxiety & Self-Doubt. Whoa…my post kinda accidentally fits in with all that, doesn’t it?? Check out all the others that did by clicking the link below!