Hellooo all you lovely people! Much like my posts from the Grand Canyon (that, yes, I still haven’t finished) this is going to be another discombobulated, rambling, back-and-forth-in-time blog post. The thing is, it’s just too damn hard to make it all coherent afterwards, so…you get a mish-mash. I’ll try to organize it by day at least…
So hey ho! Here I am, ensconced at a hotel with about 300 other kinky folk – well, spankos, to be precise. (I just got told downstairs by a nice boy from London that that he was told at his first spanking party to “avoid the BDSM/kinky crowd,” because our kind and his kind don’t mix. In my many years of mixing in all the groups, I have found that this tends to have more than a drop of truth in it, but I’m pretty sure I left him with a much better impression of kinksters than he started off with. Doing my part to make the world a better (kinkier) place and all that.) At the moment I am sitting here at my desk prior to getting ready to go to a caning workshop, at which, hopefully, I will meet up with a gentleman I have agreed to do a scene with, if all goes well when we meet.
Except I am feeling anxious and thinking about not going.
It’s hard to write with any coherency when I keep interrupting myself to go do things. I mean, I’m glad I decided to go to the things! Especially when last I left off I was in my room at the hotel, contemplating bailing on my commitment to meet LJ, my would-be caning-competition-partner, at the caning workshop. But then I decided that no, I am not going to do that! I’m proud of myself for that decision. I closed my computer, got up from the desk, showered, put on a cute dress, and went out and faced the world.
Earlier That Night, at the Caning Workshop
Caning “experts” are as dedicated to and obsessed with their… craft…as the rest of kink-dom’s self-professed (rope, fire, poly) experts. Not that I didn’t enjoy watching the different techniques for wielding a cane, and not that they aren’t really, truly, experts, but sitting in that room, realizing that the caning “competition” was just going to be a bunch of “we’re-all-friends-here” caning tops getting the opportunity to show off to each other with their spanking-model girlfriends, kind of put me off the whole thing. I don’t fit in, and I knew it. So that left me a little deflated. But! The bright spot in it was getting to meet, afterward, my (soon-to-be) friend, LJ. Then, dark spot, I allowed a blooming headache to drive me to my bed rather than to the party that night.
I’m not proud of bailing on the party. In my defense, after the workshop and talking with LJ, I decided to take a short walk. It was cold, and windy, and I got caught out in a drizzling rain. I came back in, my head pounding, and I couldn’t get warm. I feared a migraine, so I took medication and curled up under the blankets and fell sound asleep.
Saturday Morning and Afternoon and Evening
LJ stopped by while I was breakfasting. I was feeling better, and rather than sticking my nose in my laptop, I put it down and invited him to sit. He did, and we talked…and talked… And I realized I was really interested in him. As a potential play partner – and as a person. I know, hard to really know in just a couple of hours of talk, but my good-human radar has never let me down, and it was telling me to get to know him better.
I was really excited about the party the second – er, third – night. (I hadn’t made it to the party Thursday night either, but that wasn’t anxiety, that was travel exhaustion.) But Saturday night I was ready for it. I was ready to dress sexy, flirt, get no-strings-attached spankings. Nothing too deep. Nothing too…much. Just play.
Then, I got a message from him. We had talked about D/s, and he had remarked a couple of times that he found that just-beneath-the-radar submissive in me very attractive. He’s a dominant more than a spanko, and I had responded to that in him as well. And he wanted to know if I would be interested in a more D/s-type scene instead of the spanking scene we had planned.
I was beautifully flattered. His message – his interest – was sexy and sweet and direct in a way that I like, and respond to. But…I couldn’t quite place myself there, in a scene like that. It just wasn’t were my head was at.
Hell, I don’t know where I am regarding D/s at all right now. Even now, hours later, I don’t know what I feel about it. I love V, and I have loved our play, and I loved and craved being his, being owned by him, when I was. I have fluctuated between wanting something like that again with him and with knowing that there were specific parts of that, when we had it, that made me deeply unhappy. And…truthfully, his seeming acceptance of the loss of that part of our relationship, with hardly an objection, has hurt, and made me question if it was ever something he wanted, or if it was always only play to him. The things that broke it for me – those things haven’t changed. To ask him to be my Owner again would be to make him my primary again, and I just can’t do that, when he can’t – or won’t – find a larger space in his life for me. So we are at an impasse, though we have discussed it in the time since it broke. I just don’t know where or how or if it will be put back together, and what that might look like.
So I knew that to go there, even playfully, in a scene with someone I had just met – even if I was attracted to his energy – wasn’t right for me. As evidenced by my entire D/s relationship with V – D/s isn’t a game to me. I couldn’t play at it that way.
It was hard for me to say no. The submissive in me cringed at it – but I did what was right for me: I declined his proposal. I told him I still hoped we could play, though. I really did want that. And he – gentleman that he is – accepted my refusal gracefully.
So! I did dress up, and we did play, and we had a great time. We joined in a group OTK scene (he gives good spank) and then we did a scene with the new toys I’d purchased – one decidedly not a typical “spanko” toy. In fact, as I passed through the vendor’s room after having purchased it, several people commented on the fact that I’d purchased it, in tones I can only describe as “awe,” maybe, that a little thing like me wanted that brutal looking toy used on me. Heh…no matter what I do I can’t help but scare the normal folks a little. In fact, I think that our scene had several folks raising their eyebrows just a bit. It was maybe just a bit more “BDSMy” than they were used to, but it suited me – and I believe him – just fine. I’ve got some nice marks – and a budding friendship – to show for it!