Two Weekends, and Some Brooding

Two weekends, a weekend apart: so very different.

I’ve gone to kink events alone – or thought I had, before the spanking event I went to a couple weeks ago. Actually, in retrospect, I may have traveled to those parties by myself (Boardwalk Badness Weekend in Atlantic City ~10 years ago, Kinky Kollege only last year) but the reality is, I wasn’t there alone. In both cases, I met friends there, I shared a room with friend(s), so while I wasn’t there with a partner, I definitely had people I knew around me.

Apparently that is a key to my enjoyment of the event. Not that I don’t enjoy the travel alone, the being in a different place alone – I very deliberately chose that when I decided to go to Crimson Moon (the spanking party.) But apparently friends – or friends-to-be – are vital to my enjoyment of the event itself.

Not that I didn’t enjoy the Crimson Moon (spanking) party. But the reason I enjoyed it ended up being because a) I wanted some time away, alone; and b) I connected with someone at the party. The party itself…all of the strangers there, the “activities”…were pretty “meh”. Now, that might have have been alleviated if I had done more pre-work, socializing online, etc., and once there, participated more…but maybe not. I just wasn’t feeling it there, for whatever reason. They weren’t really my people; they weren’t my tribe, and the activities they engaged in weren’t things I enjoyed doing. I really am a kinkster, through and through.

Which leads me to this past weekend, where there were definitely activities I enjoyed, classes that interested me, and there were people I knew. And a lot of them! I forget how many wonderful people I have swirling around the peripheries of my life until I start running into them in the halls of kink events. I had also traveled and roomed with a very good friend of mine, Toy, and her Dom, S. He also happens to be V’s metamour – he is V’s wife’s Dom. (Oh what tangled webs poly weaves! lol) I wasn’t sure about traveling with him: although he has always been scrupulously polite to me, I’ve been on the inside of knowledge about some stupid shit he’s pulled with both T and E, and those issues have caused issues between E (V’s wife) and I, as well as between V and I, and between E and T. So I was…leery…of spending a weekend with him. But T really wanted the chance to attend an out-of-town kink event with him, and I knew I’d be occupied with friends of mine for a lot of it, so there we were.

And…it turned out fine. He’s actually an okay guy. I still wouldn’t want to be in relationship with him – his style of dominance is not mine at all, and his relationshiping skills are questionable when it comes to multi-partner relationships – but then I don’t have to be and am not. But maybe forging some friendship bonds with him will help him to make better decisions when he is dealing with issues that affect all of us.

Or maybe not. One thing I am starting to learn is to stay front and center in my own life, and try to ignore that which doesn’t affect me directly. Mitigate what I can when I need to and can; as for the rest, lead my best life. And that goes for everyone and everything else. Because the reality is, my life is pretty full of some amazing people – I need to not let those that aren’t so much, affect me so much.

So I had some fun scenes. Got an awesome fire cupping and worked through some fire fear by letting her “fire blow” on me too. I’m not exactly sure what it actually looks like (I was on my front so I couldn’t see the fire) but I imagined her as a beautiful dragonness breathing holy fire across my body. Kinda sexy, huh? I was supposed to do a bondage scene with BB after that, but I couldn’t find him and I was just pretty much wiped out after the delicious deep tissue-y-ness of the fire cups, so toddled off to bed afterwards.

The next night I had dinner with BB and my friends, hung out with my girl Ruby some, and ran into another friend and her new couple (as well as her ex, also a friend of mine.) Reconnecting with her was lovely, if only for a few minutes, but we decided not to let friendship stand on “yes let’s stay in touch” and actually scheduled a weekend, right then and there, to get together in January. I’m silly excited about it! Later that night I got corseted in a sexy black leather and steel corset by BB and had some connective time with him, then got pummeled and kicked around on the floor by Toy in a fun, intense, scene. “I’m gonna kick you in the cooter!” was her siren song all weekend, and she made good on that promise. Next morning I got poked with flesh hooks by a new-to-me (hot, intense, sexy) Top in a demo, and got hooked up to pull with Toy in front of the class, which was fun, although she then wanted to find S so he could pull on her, and it deflated the energy for me a bit. Or made me feel that the energy we had shared was less-than it had been with me. (Poly is complex, yanno?) But then there was a Ruby tarot card reading at the end that spoke to a lot of the conflicting feelings I have been experiencing with V, and then saying goodbyes all around before the almost six-hour drive home.

V had wanted to see me when I got back – or so he said. Apparently it wasn’t that important to him, because rather than ask for a small concession from his primary so that he could come to my house when I got back, he insisted that I come to him. After a weekend of intense play, of flesh hooks that very morning, of all the people-ing and traveling for hours, he wanted me to get home, lug all my stuff inside, change, get RE-packed to overnight at his house, and then to drive ANOTHER 25 minutes to see him, all so he would be there in place for her at 5 in the morning. I get that the reason is important to her, but I thought our time together – as limited as it is – was important to him. And my well-being – needing a soak and a glass of wine, some aftercare and decompression – and having to sneak around his house on tiptoes in the dark so as not to disturb her sleep – isn’t really conducive to that. I don’t understand why he doesn’t respect or understand these things. All he can see is he doesn’t want to disturb her routine. Well, we hadn’t seen each other for three weekends in a row, and I am giving up an entire weekend to watch their daughter so they can have a weekend away in November. Am I not worth one lost workout? Apparently not.

But, in the end, it’s his choice not to see me. I don’t even know if it would have been safe for me to drive last night. Brain chemicals are real! But that wasn’t any part of his “decision” on it. I am proud of myself for (eventually) sticking to what’s right for me and staying home, but I’m also super bothered by this. It has shown me how little he values our time together. Actions speak louder than words, right? We haven’t had a weekend night together in three weekends, and, the way it’s shaking out, it doesn’t look like we will have one in the four weekends following this one. But maybe this is all, in a weird, sad way, for the best. I don’t have what it takes to just declare it done, so instead there is just this slow atrophy happening. Eventually we’ll just be – what? Occasional play partners who used to have a lot more. It happens. Relationships change. But damn it stings.

The other night, before the weekend, he came over, and we walked with the roommate up to a local brewpub to eat and listen to some live music. It was a really pleasant evening. Sometime during the evening I turned to him and said, “You know, if I don’t have any expectations, we have a really good time.” I was kind of sad as I said it, because “expectations” come with relationships that are more than just play partners or FWBs, and what I was saying is that he’s really great to have as a play partner, as long as I could remove any expectations of us being/having more from my head/heart. But that’s bittersweet, isn’t it, when I thought we had so much more. When I wanted so much more. But that sadness went right over his head. “And what does that tell you?” he asked with a big grin. I shook my head. “Not to expect anything more than seeing each other a couple nights a week to play and fuck.” It made me all that much sadder that he hadn’t even realized that “have no expectations of this person that I used to love and submit to,” is not a good thing.

OTOH, we do have fun together. It hurts, though, knowing that he’s satisfied with that. Maybe he always was, and I’m just now grokking that. No, that’s not true, because I distinctly remember being the one saying, “no I just want to be play partners,” to him pushing and pushing for more in the beginning. I don’t think he sees his own inconsistency, actually. He just takes each day for what it is, fucking and playing with me, or living his “real” life over there, without putting it into context or accepting his own culpability in how things turned out. No, I don’t want to stop seeing him, but I’m seeing that I do have a lot of life without him, and I am finding ways to have more. I have lots and lots of travel and life plans coming up, and not one of them involves him. I haven’t even shared some of those plans with him because, well, he isn’t even in my “need to know” circle at this point. When it comes time for me not to be around for a weekend or a week, I’ll let him know. <shrug> What else is there to do. He’s not the center of my world anymore. I am. It’s maybe been a long time coming, but I think these past weeks have really solidified that for me. But damn I’m sad.

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