Life as it is

I am awake late because I fell asleep in an extended, unanticipated nap shortly after 6 and only woke at 11 again. And now I can’t sleep for real, because too many hours napping! Ugh.

It’s been a quiet weekend, mostly. Not a bad thing, as my life has been so busy that I am grateful for some downtime. My routine has been disrupted by the advent of Ad’s new job: after years of working the same (dead-end) job he finally got up the gumption to get another. I’m proud of him, and I hope that this initial position leads to a better one for him that utilizes his experience and training. But the hours are odd, and he didn’t account for Felix – our dog, whom he has custody of since my roommate has a yappy, aggressive Chihuahua – who needs to be let out at night, during Adam’s shift. So I am now going out there to the Big Condo and overnighting with Felix on nights Adam works, unless I have a date night with V. (Those nights my son stops by to let Felix out.)

It takes a village.

So that’s usually Thursday and/or Friday and/or Saturdays, as well as Monday nights that I have to pack a bag and head out to the wilds of South County, rather than stay at home in the city. It’s weird being out there, but it’s not been awful. I mean, I get to see my dog. It’s a little strange, to be there when I don’t live there anymore, and I remember why it is I don’t live there; but since I moved out for good Adam has decluttered and de-hoarded a lot, and I am not entirely uncomfortable there. I just feel out of place. I mean, it’s HIS space now, and that’s very obvious: it is not how I would organize my living space. He’s sweet though, and has tried to provide things to make me feel comfortable – fresh towels, a somewhat organized living space, a drawer and pillow of my own, etc. It really does speak to how differently people live though. The things I find important are not the things he does, and vise-versa. My way is not any more right than his, although it might feel that way to me. But seeing this, from a (kind of) objective viewpoint gives me new insight into how much of a struggle it might be for two (or more) humans to adjust to cohabitation. No wonder there are so many arguments over caps being left off of toothpaste tubes. I appreciate all the more my decision not to go there again with Adam, and I think our relationship is the better for it.

This weekend ended up being “hanging-out-with-friends” heavy: I had brunch with Toy and Busty on Saturday, and then book group on Sunday. In between (after Friday night alone at the condo) I saw V.

So, Friday night alone, first. With Adam’s new schedule, he works overnights Thurs/Fri/Sat, so those Friday nights when I  might usually see him (we’ve typically done Fri or Sat depending on V’s wife’s schedule, then I see V the other night) I will now be alone. This Friday in particular was a contentious one: because V and I had not been able to see each other for three weekends in October, and I had given up a weekend of my own to babysit their child so they could have a weekend away, V had promised me we could see each other two nights in a row – this past Friday and Saturday. He had obtained “permission” before leaving for their weekend away; by the time he returned that permission had been revoked and he acquiesced to her demand that he stay home one of those nights. I don’t know what negotiations or ultimatums there were between them, I only know that he finally no longer pretends that he calls the shots or even has a say in things: she gets what she wants in regards to our relationship, period. I have lost all respect for him in that regard: the relationship that he promoted, that he says we had for 4.5 years, is no more. We are play partners when she allows us to be, nothing more, and when I can find someone to replace that role, I will be able to walk away from that, as well. It will be a relief. What it left though was me completely free, without even Ad to plan anything with, on that Friday night. I was also out at the condo, which made me kind of isolated.

And I survived. I did exactly what I had told myself I would do: spend the evening crocheting and bingewatching a show I’ve wanted to see. I played with the knowledge that this might be how future Fridays or Saturdays might be, when I get moved to my new place. And…I was okay with it. I can manage it. My new solo-poly life beckons and I am heeding that call. (Of course, oddly, I realized that I could actually schedule date nights with new folks for that night, if I so chose, another possibility that I hadn’t really thought about before. Now that I am released from, and am releasing myself from, my relationship with V, I find myself tantalized by the possibilities.)

There are also nuances to my relationship with Ad, too, that all of this brings into focus. Good ones, that I will have to explore more fully at a later date.

My Saturday date with V was…nice, in some ways. Predictable and unfulfilling and weird in others. He gave me 40 cold canings based on a task that I had not completed on my spanking party trip. That was fun (and ouch but also yay that he remembered and followed up on it.) It was followed by giving him head, which I always enjoy, and then we went out to a bar to listen to live music. It was a nice date night, but it was hard for me not to remember that we were only there with her permission, and if she had said no to that, he would have given in to that too. And without even pretending he wouldn’t. I am squicked and disappointed and feel a little queasy now whenever I think about being with him, and unfortunately that carries over to when we are actually together. I wish I could just enjoy the moment, but it’s so hard to let go of the parts that aren’t good. I should call it, honestly I should – it’s not healthy the way that it is. And I almost did after breakfast this morning, but I can’t bring myself to end my only local access to kink play. I’m a masochist, I’m a bottom, and who else is there that will give me what I need? So there’s that.

After he left this morning I had a long nap, and then a walk with my roommate. This moving thing has sent her a bit into a tailspin. I understand and commiserate with her, but I need to do this, and we’ve given her lots and lots of notice. Adam has been super supportive, offering to let her stay as long as she needs here at the house (until it sells) and even offering to let her stay at the condo while she figures out what to do. So we walked, and talked, and I am hopeful that she’ll get it all figured out.

Then this afternoon we had book group, and crocheted and hung out, just us girls, until close to 6 PM. That was super nice, and I need to make sure that I create room for days/nights like that in my new life. It’s worth so much more than a play date (then why have I over-valued the sex/kink connections so much?) That really is an important question to me. And a new outlook on life that I have gleaned from fellow solo-poly folk I’ve encountered online. I need to explore that more. I have been “that girl” who places my romantic/sexual/kink relationships above the others, and I don’t like that about myself. There is so much more to life.

And now, I am here, trying to get myself to go to sleep. Ugh. I don’t think it’s going to happen any time soon. But hope sprigs eternal, eh?

 

Comments

  1. Molly

    As I wrote on my blog for sinful Sunday I have a whole bunch of new freedoms that I am not really sure what to do with. I am however working on figuring that out. One thing I am realising is casual kink/sex isn’t really for me. I need and want connections and so I need to learn patience to get those things from the right person

    Reply
    1. Jade Post author

      I totally get that. And harder still, in my case, to try to reverse engineer that, and be satisfied with a casual relationship when we had so much before.

      Reply
  2. Mysticlez

    “I should call it, honestly I should – it’s not healthy the way that it is. And I almost did after breakfast this morning, but I can’t bring myself to end my only local access to kink play. I’m a masochist, I’m a bottom, and who else is there that will give me what I need?‘

    It sounds as though you are holding onto him until something else better comes along. In my experience, that can cause a lot of bad feelings on both sides, kink or vanilla. It may also limit you from other (possibly better) experiences with the right person. The right person is out there somewhere. I am not poly bur that is just my personal opinion.

    Reply
    1. Jade Post author

      You’re right, of course, and I knew that when I wrote it. It doesn’t stop me feeling it though, and I rationalize it with knowing that he’d get as much if not more than I would out of me staying, for whatever reason. But…that’s just a rationalization. I know it’s wrong.

      Reply

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