Being Poly

Thoughts on non-monogamy and stories from my own polyamorous life.

Good Vibes

Dec 21, 2019 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade | 8

I am in hour number 24 of a migraine. I feel as though my skull is splitting. My teeth ache, my ear aches, my cheekbone and the bones around my eye and my jawbone are in an exquisite agony. Light and movement cause waves of pain that throb and then stab my head. So what am I doing, sitting here writing? I’ve taken four rounds of painkiller. In between I have taken tylonol, tylonol PM, and/or simply tried to wait out the pain, because the migraine medicine makes my stomach hurt so much. But when I do take it, I lay here awake because of the caffeine, and because of it, in spite of being unable to get up and move about, I am antsy and bored, my brain running a hundred miles a minute. It’s an awful cycle. Reading requires too much focus (and my eyes), listening to aRead more …

An Update

Dec 18, 2019 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade | 8

I keep thinking I should post something; update here; bring this space up-to-date. Then I face the blank screen, and all the words of all the things, and I lose the energy or initiative. I just want to make myself a drink and sink into a book under my covers. But I won’t. I will write words. I’m back from Cuba. Beautiful country, enjoyable and challenging trip all at once, friendships forged. It was a thing that challenged me but I DID IT. So there. Came back to North America (Toronto specifically) and spent two days and nights with M, my friend from the Chicago party and the organizer of the Cuba excursion. It was wonderful. We talked, we dined, we played. We like each other a lot. Things are progressing towards some kind of D/s-y LDR, though we are taking it slow as I work through my break-up withRead more …

An Update and Setting an Intention

Dec 6, 2019 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade, Relationship Stuff | 2

I’ve started this post about half a dozen times. I’ve written and rewritten, I’ve been calm and matter-of-fact, I’ve been sad and lost, I’ve been angry and bitter, I’ve tried to convince the world (or at least that part of it that reads here) that I am justified in my reasons and I’ve simply spewed it all out, justifications be damned. And now, here I am, deciding, fuck it. I don’t want to rehash it all. It is what it is. I just want to move on. At least that’s what I feel right this moment. The next I may want to rehash it over and over until I’m sick of listening to myself. Who knows. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions, but I guess that’s to be expected. I broke up with V the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. For good this time. I think. I hope. There are allRead more …

Life as it is

Nov 25, 2019 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade | 4

I am awake late because I fell asleep in an extended, unanticipated nap shortly after 6 and only woke at 11 again. And now I can’t sleep for real, because too many hours napping! Ugh. It’s been a quiet weekend, mostly. Not a bad thing, as my life has been so busy that I am grateful for some downtime. My routine has been disrupted by the advent of Ad’s new job: after years of working the same (dead-end) job he finally got up the gumption to get another. I’m proud of him, and I hope that this initial position leads to a better one for him that utilizes his experience and training. But the hours are odd, and he didn’t account for Felix – our dog, whom he has custody of since my roommate has a yappy, aggressive Chihuahua – who needs to be let out at night, during Adam’sRead more …

Whoa

Nov 16, 2019 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade, Relationship Stuff | 2

Whoa – I’m feeling good. Maybe it’s because my medication has settled out, or because I’m coming out of menopause-imposed insanity, but I don’t think so. I think it’s because…well, maybe I’m learning some stuff. Maybe I’m finally figuring out what I want my life to look like and how I want to live it. Maybe it’s because I am shaping my life to be that – what I want. I have been doing the emotional labor and now am making the life decisions to put me there: where I want to be. It feels good. It feels right. Also, because some of these are BIG life changes, it’s a bit scary. But that’s okay. Scary-ness in the service of living authentically can be managed. Even savored a bit. I am embracing my life as a solo poly person (for a good explanation of the term, see this excellent article:Read more …

Two Weekends, and Some Brooding

Two weekends, a weekend apart: so very different. I’ve gone to kink events alone – or thought I had, before the spanking event I went to a couple weeks ago. Actually, in retrospect, I may have traveled to those parties by myself (Boardwalk Badness Weekend in Atlantic City ~10 years ago, Kinky Kollege only last year) but the reality is, I wasn’t there alone. In both cases, I met friends there, I shared a room with friend(s), so while I wasn’t there with a partner, I definitely had people I knew around me. Apparently that is a key to my enjoyment of the event. Not that I don’t enjoy the travel alone, the being in a different place alone – I very deliberately chose that when I decided to go to Crimson Moon (the spanking party.) But apparently friends – or friends-to-be – are vital to my enjoyment of theRead more …

Taking Back My Power

In the “better late than never – no really,” category, I’m chiming in on the SafeworD/s Club, “Tell Me About…” prompt for “Power Exchange.” Of course the meme has already closed, because that’s how I roll (ugh). But this topic is top of mind for me right now, as I navigate the ways in which V’s and my relationship has changed during this D/s hiatus. Power exchange, freely and consensually giving up one’s power to another, is a heady thing. It is at the core of being a submissive, of desiring to submit to another. To submit to, to give one’s power to, another. For me it is obviously sexual; perhaps not so obviously, it also has deeper meaning than just the sexual. When I started this with V, I stated, quite emphatically, that D/s was not what I wanted. I wanted a play partner. Someone to “do the thingsRead more …

That was yesterday…

Jul 4, 2019 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade, Relationship Stuff | 2

Ugh…today is one of those days. Having a hard time mustering the energy or desire to pop out of bed. To face the world, to be productive. To human. I was on the Grand Canyon Trek training bus last week, putting in 5 miles a day at least either walking or hiking, then decided to give myself a day off on Monday, that turned into a night in bed with relationship drama last night, and today… Here I am. Kinda want to be anywhere but here. Well, maybe I want to be HERE – here is my bed. Sleep, sleep like the little gnomy guy, the one in the fairy tale. That really was yesterday morning. This morning I am sitting at the bar at one of my favorite breakfast places – not having a drink. Eating granola with banana and yogurt and nuts, drinking a decaf latte, feeling theRead more …

One day at a time.

Jul 2, 2019 | Posted by in Being Poly, Relationship Stuff | 7

No this isn’t about drinking, but love can be like an addiction, and just as hard to keep away from, even when you know it’s bad for you. “Just get through these 8 hours without picking up the phone.” Sleep, read, try to write (or maybe, do write, and write well, since it’s Smut Marathon deadline time.) Distract oneself. Stay away from the phone. One hour, one day, at a time. The reality is – and one reason it is ending – is because, really, there are only two days – make that two evenings – per week to make it through, when I’d normally be with him. Because, bottom line, even after all this time – 4 years! – we are still only permitted two 12 hour blocks of time per week together. And that just isn’t enough to build a full relationship on, and I am tired ofRead more …

Day 27 – A Musical Night

When it;s good, it’s very, very good. V came over last night. We went to listen to music at the Garden and have a little picnic; it was a pleasant evening, if a bit cold and wet, since it had stormed earlier. But at least the free concert wasn’t canceled – they have already canceled 3 out of the 4 weekly concerts due to rain so far this summer. One of the reasons V switched our date nights to be alternating Tuesday/Wednesdays was so that we could go to them – it’s a favorite summertime activity of mine – so the cancellations have been doubly disappointing. Anyway, in spite of the not-ideal conditions, it was nice, feeling like we were on a date. Walking back to the house afterward we got into the never-ending discussion we have regarding schedules, though. When we got to the front door I put myRead more …