Being Poly

Thoughts on non-monogamy and stories from my own polyamorous life.

Taking Back My Power

In the “better late than never – no really,” category, I’m chiming in on the SafeworD/s Club, “Tell Me About…” prompt for “Power Exchange.” Of course the meme has already closed, because that’s how I roll (ugh). But this topic is top of mind for me right now, as I navigate the ways in which V’s and my relationship has changed during this D/s hiatus. Power exchange, freely and consensually giving up one’s power to another, is a heady thing. It is at the core of being a submissive, of desiring to submit to another. To submit to, to give one’s power to, another. For me it is obviously sexual; perhaps not so obviously, it also has deeper meaning than just the sexual. When I started this with V, I stated, quite emphatically, that D/s was not what I wanted. I wanted a play partner. Someone to “do the thingsRead more …

That was yesterday…

Jul 4, 2019 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade, Relationship Stuff | 2

Ugh…today is one of those days. Having a hard time mustering the energy or desire to pop out of bed. To face the world, to be productive. To human. I was on the Grand Canyon Trek training bus last week, putting in 5 miles a day at least either walking or hiking, then decided to give myself a day off on Monday, that turned into a night in bed with relationship drama last night, and today… Here I am. Kinda want to be anywhere but here. Well, maybe I want to be HERE – here is my bed. Sleep, sleep like the little gnomy guy, the one in the fairy tale. That really was yesterday morning. This morning I am sitting at the bar at one of my favorite breakfast places – not having a drink. Eating granola with banana and yogurt and nuts, drinking a decaf latte, feeling theRead more …

One day at a time.

Jul 2, 2019 | Posted by in Being Poly, Relationship Stuff | 7

No this isn’t about drinking, but love can be like an addiction, and just as hard to keep away from, even when you know it’s bad for you. “Just get through these 8 hours without picking up the phone.” Sleep, read, try to write (or maybe, do write, and write well, since it’s Smut Marathon deadline time.) Distract oneself. Stay away from the phone. One hour, one day, at a time. The reality is – and one reason it is ending – is because, really, there are only two days – make that two evenings – per week to make it through, when I’d normally be with him. Because, bottom line, even after all this time – 4 years! – we are still only permitted two 12 hour blocks of time per week together. And that just isn’t enough to build a full relationship on, and I am tired ofRead more …

Day 27 – A Musical Night

When it;s good, it’s very, very good. V came over last night. We went to listen to music at the Garden and have a little picnic; it was a pleasant evening, if a bit cold and wet, since it had stormed earlier. But at least the free concert wasn’t canceled – they have already canceled 3 out of the 4 weekly concerts due to rain so far this summer. One of the reasons V switched our date nights to be alternating Tuesday/Wednesdays was so that we could go to them – it’s a favorite summertime activity of mine – so the cancellations have been doubly disappointing. Anyway, in spite of the not-ideal conditions, it was nice, feeling like we were on a date. Walking back to the house afterward we got into the never-ending discussion we have regarding schedules, though. When we got to the front door I put myRead more …

Day 25 – Veering and Careening

I veer wildly between wanting to run away, to just give up, and wanting him so badly, loving him so fiercely, that I am willing to do anything to make it work. Veering, stumbling, I land here, on my bed, alone, a glass of whiskey in my hand. I think about it all. About him; about us; about them; about what used to be all of us. About me. About who I am, with him; and without. I am not the one perpetuating this place that we (the group we) have found ourselves in. Yes, I own that I had a part in instigating it – but I have cut myself to ribbons trying to make up for it, and I just don’t have anymore blood to bleed. I don’t know if we can move on – if I can move on – burdened by the baggage of so muchRead more …

Day 23 – It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Jun 23, 2019 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade | 3

Last night was a bust. It was all me – and yet, really, it wasn’t. I don’t even think it was really an argument. I was just so tired, so done, with everything that doesn’t work for me in this relationship. And I drank too much, and I cried and said I couldn’t do it anymore the way it is: our time restricted arbitrarily, no control or say in that; him making excuses and rationalizing. And in the morning, he acted like none of those words had been said. We went to breakfast, me confused, him forcing cheerfulness and acting like it was the end of any other date night. We talked – somewhat – at breakfast. I’m still confused by his ability to gloss over everything, as though there was no moment in which I had said, “I can’t. I can’t do this anymore.” “I heard you,” he saidRead more …

Day 8 – Connections

Today’s prompt for Insta’s #DearJune is connection. I love the prompt. There are so many ways I can go with this. But…not in my Insta (this is the ongoing, internal, debate I have: make a Pieces-of-Jade Insta? But what about my daughter and other vanilla people who now follow me?) Forging those connections, and then keeping them separate, is fucking hard. It’s why I mostly stopped doing it with friends and sister. I fucking HATE having to cover up. And I SUCK at it. I’ve been pretty open on my FB. I’m pretty sure most of anyone who friends me knows I am poly. But this other thing…kink…  No. I have a lot of friends that accept me as poly, and even bisexual, but I just can’t be out there as kinky. It’s NOT that I am ashamed of what I do. It’s that I don’t feel comfortable sharing my sexRead more …

Day 7 – Risks

I’ve missed and/or jumbled up my days. My participation has not been 100% on #DearJune either, but I’m okay with that. Well, I think about it a bit, because I couldn’t be me if I didn’t let it bother me a little, but not so bad as it might have done. I give myself a frowny face and then move on. Anyway, here’s the post I made on Instagram for (what I think was) Day 7, the prompt being “risks.” On the heels of a post that felt entirely appropriate at the time – and I will not deny my own experience of things – but in the light of day I realize was…an emotional reaction, and possibly not the best representation of the situation…this post means a lot to me. It reminds of the risks I took when I decided to give my submission and my love to another.Read more …

I’m here (Oops, Day 5)

Jun 6, 2019 | Posted by in Being Poly, Every Damn Day in June, Everyday Jade | 1

I’m writing. On my phone. Because no energy to sit up and do this the right way in my Chromebook. Just wanted to confirm that yes, I’m here, I’m writing, cuz it’s June. And…well you know the drill. I’m better. Or getting there. V and I talked. The past – and the mistakes made – are not things that can be changed. The present is what it is, and I have no control over anyone else’s decisions or actions, only my own. I’ve gotta let go of both of those things and be in the here and now, for my own happiness and mental health. So here I am. Doing the thing. We’ll see how it goes.

Waiting for the tide to come in.

May 27, 2019 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade, Relationship Stuff | 7

I was thinking about writing a Masturbation Monday tonight, but realized I don’t have it in me just now. I did work on my entry for the Smut Marathon, so there’s a spark of sexiness floating around out there, but really, it’s a feeble spark, and easily doused. It’s been that way for several weeks now. No sex, no kink, no erotic energy to speak of. There’s lots of reasons – life has been chaotic in ways just not conducive to sexiness – but damn. I miss it. I can’t remember the last time I had a good BDSM scene. And Saturday night’s sex with V was the first in almost the same amount of time. I feel like we’ve forgotten what that kind of energy feels like. And though I know (hope) it will come back, there’s this fear that it won’t. Kind of like the D/s has notRead more …