Everyday Jade

All the miscellaney…

That was yesterday…

Jul 4, 2019 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade, Relationship Stuff | 2

Ugh…today is one of those days. Having a hard time mustering the energy or desire to pop out of bed. To face the world, to be productive. To human. I was on the Grand Canyon Trek training bus last week, putting in 5 miles a day at least either walking or hiking, then decided to give myself a day off on Monday, that turned into a night in bed with relationship drama last night, and today… Here I am. Kinda want to be anywhere but here. Well, maybe I want to be HERE – here is my bed. Sleep, sleep like the little gnomy guy, the one in the fairy tale. That really was yesterday morning. This morning I am sitting at the bar at one of my favorite breakfast places – not having a drink. Eating granola with banana and yogurt and nuts, drinking a decaf latte, feeling theRead more …

Day 27 – A Musical Night

When it;s good, it’s very, very good. V came over last night. We went to listen to music at the Garden and have a little picnic; it was a pleasant evening, if a bit cold and wet, since it had stormed earlier. But at least the free concert wasn’t canceled – they have already canceled 3 out of the 4 weekly concerts due to rain so far this summer. One of the reasons V switched our date nights to be alternating Tuesday/Wednesdays was so that we could go to them – it’s a favorite summertime activity of mine – so the cancellations have been doubly disappointing. Anyway, in spite of the not-ideal conditions, it was nice, feeling like we were on a date. Walking back to the house afterward we got into the never-ending discussion we have regarding schedules, though. When we got to the front door I put myRead more …

Day 25 – Veering and Careening

I veer wildly between wanting to run away, to just give up, and wanting him so badly, loving him so fiercely, that I am willing to do anything to make it work. Veering, stumbling, I land here, on my bed, alone, a glass of whiskey in my hand. I think about it all. About him; about us; about them; about what used to be all of us. About me. About who I am, with him; and without. I am not the one perpetuating this place that we (the group we) have found ourselves in. Yes, I own that I had a part in instigating it – but I have cut myself to ribbons trying to make up for it, and I just don’t have anymore blood to bleed. I don’t know if we can move on – if I can move on – burdened by the baggage of so muchRead more …

Day 23 – It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah

Jun 23, 2019 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade | 3

Last night was a bust. It was all me – and yet, really, it wasn’t. I don’t even think it was really an argument. I was just so tired, so done, with everything that doesn’t work for me in this relationship. And I drank too much, and I cried and said I couldn’t do it anymore the way it is: our time restricted arbitrarily, no control or say in that; him making excuses and rationalizing. And in the morning, he acted like none of those words had been said. We went to breakfast, me confused, him forcing cheerfulness and acting like it was the end of any other date night. We talked – somewhat – at breakfast. I’m still confused by his ability to gloss over everything, as though there was no moment in which I had said, “I can’t. I can’t do this anymore.” “I heard you,” he saidRead more …

Day 19 – Thoughts on Round 5 of the #SmutMarathon

Here we are more than halfway through, and it is definitely proving to be a marathon! I am still enthusiastic about each assignment, the voting/feedback rounds, and finding out the results, but I am also beginning to comprehend how much of a commitment this was and is. Still, as in past rounds, I have enjoyed exercising my writing, editing and critiquing chops. I felt like I hit my stride in this round. I found the prompt, “write a story that takes place in the dark,” interesting, and the word count was much more manageable to me. While some writers have excelled at crafting what felt like a whole story in the rounds with a much lower word count, I really struggled with it. I welcomed the challenge for just that reason, though, and persevered, coming up with pieces that I felt, if not extravagantly proud of, at least satisfied with.Read more …

Day 17 – Satisfaction

I’m laying in bed, having woken from an evening nap to write this post. I have a bit of a cat-canary feel of satisfaction going on, of luxuriating in my space in the universe at the moment. So of course I had to take a picture. I realized when I went to post it that it doesn’t show the lovely bruises that adorn my flesh, and that are a part of my adjusted attitude, so I will have to correct that oversight, but suffice it to say, there are a few, and I can’t help myself but to poke and rub at them throughout the day. A really fantastic scene the other night is not the only reason for my change in mood – I’ve been very judiciously doing all the things that I know will help; all the practical things as well as self-care and self-compassion things, and theyRead more …

Day ???

Jun 14, 2019 | Posted by in Every Damn Day in June 2019, Everyday Jade | 6

I’ve really fallen down on posting daily. I’ve been writing nearly every day, but haven’t had the energy to finish anything up to publish. I’ve been caught up in a severe case of malaise. I had to look up the exact meaning of the word. I’ve read it, heard it and even used it, but when I was searching myself for what exactly this emotion is that I am feeling, and that word came to mind, I thought I should look it up. malaise [ ma-leyz, -muh-; French ma-lez ] noun a condition of general bodily weakness or discomfort, often marking the onset of a disease. a vague or unfocused feeling of mental uneasiness, lethargy, or discomfort. Definitely number two, though the way I’ve been feeling in my skin could count for number one as well. Not disease, but dis-ease: I’m uncomfortable in my body right now. And in myRead more …

Day 11 – Catching Up

Jun 11, 2019 | Posted by in Every Damn Day in June 2019, Everyday Jade | 0

I’m sitting here in bed, smelling like lavender soap and the bath. I’ve had a couple rum-and-somethings and I am feeling – finally – relaxed after the stressful conference weekend. I didn’t want to write. I’ve missed days while at my work conference, no way to write or anything else during, but now I am home. All I wanted was a drink, a book, and my bed. Instead I went out to my (hopefully) flourishing city garden, watered and weeded, because it needed me, and I, it. I needed to destress, and weeding does that for me. Like cleaning and organizing my closets. But outside. With living things. Then I came inside, and really didn’t want to bother with a bath, but knew that, also, would help. And it did. So here I am, now, smelling good and feeling clean, and having so many things to say… But also. I’mRead more …

Day 8 – Connections

Today’s prompt for Insta’s #DearJune is connection. I love the prompt. There are so many ways I can go with this. But…not in my Insta (this is the ongoing, internal, debate I have: make a Pieces-of-Jade Insta? But what about my daughter and other vanilla people who now follow me?) Forging those connections, and then keeping them separate, is fucking¬†hard. It’s why I mostly stopped doing it with friends and sister. I fucking HATE having to cover up. And I SUCK at it. I’ve been pretty open on my FB. I’m pretty sure most of anyone who friends me knows I am poly. But this other thing…kink…¬† No. I have a lot of friends that accept me as poly, and even bisexual, but I just can’t be out there as kinky. It’s NOT that I am ashamed of what I do. It’s that I don’t feel comfortable sharing my sexRead more …

Day 7 – Risks

I’ve missed and/or jumbled up my days. My participation has not been 100% on #DearJune either, but I’m okay with that. Well, I think about it a bit, because I couldn’t be me if I didn’t let it bother me a little, but not so bad as it might have done. I give myself a frowny face and then move on. Anyway, here’s the post I made on Instagram for (what I think was) Day 7, the prompt being “risks.” On the heels of a post that felt entirely appropriate at the time – and I will not deny my own experience of things – but in the light of day I realize was…an emotional reaction, and possibly not the best representation of the situation…this post means a lot to me. It reminds of the risks I took when I decided to give my submission and my love to another.Read more …