Life Before

Memory Lane

Nov 1, 2017 | Posted by in Life Before, Wicked Wednesday | 13

I have resisted all week in writing about this week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt: “Memory Lane”. But I couldn’t keep my mind from going there. Such a dangerous place to go for me. Even thinking about it sends a quiver of dread, of anxiety, through me. I live with my memories – with the pain of them – so close to the surface, even now. Today, for some unknown reason, as I typed “November 1” in a document, my breath caught, tears blinded me. I don’t know why, or what triggered the response. I’m afraid to look back, to search for the source of the pain. I keep thinking, berating myself, “Aren’t you the fuck over it yet?” And yet I know I’m not. I have dozens of Scavenger Hunts that I – we – completed…but I can’t bring myself to post them. Even now, almost three years on, I justRead more …

Sleeping Single in a Double Bed

Oct 2, 2017 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade, Life Before | 0

I love my bed. My bedroom is not quite the sanctuary that the one in the Treehouse was, though it’s getting there. But my bed! Newly purchased for this new space (the iron canopy wouldn’t fit), with a new comforter and (as usual) more pillows than any human has a right to, I LOVE snuggling down into it, burrowing myself into the pillows and blankets or starfishing and sleeping crooked. It’s hard to get out of bed in the morning. Not just cuz I’m sleepy, but because I don’t want to leave the comfort and sweetness of my bed. Mostly, I sleep there alone. In all the seven years that I was with W, I maybe slept alone three times. I was always with one or the other or both. And I loved it. I hated sleeping alone. But now…now I sleep alone more often than not, and most often,Read more …

Dirty Innocence

I laughed a bit to myself when I decided to post this for Sinful Sunday. I mean, it’s just not all that sinful, right? And yet…I find the image oddly sexy and yet comforting at the same time. This is me, now – this is my dirty-girl-ness, so unlike it was back then, when I masturbated on a dirty, grimy floor while W pissed on me.  And yet, sitting on the deck overlooking my little city yard, cooling off after spending the morning on my hands and knees gardening, I am happy. Yes, happy and content with my life. There’s a little more to this story, I suppose. I sent this to my new guy, the Romantic, maybe I shall call him, who is at least nominally vanilla. I guess at some point I need to fill ya’ll in on what’s been going on on that front. But for now, sufficeRead more …

Looking Forward, Looking Back

Jan 3, 2017 | Posted by in Everyday Jade, Life Before, Wicked Wednesday | 9

For a few years of Kink & Poly, I did a “First Line” retrospective, where, for my first post of the New Year, I quoted the first line of the first post each month of the previous year, sometimes interjecting a note here or there about it, or about where I was now in regards to it. Obviously, this year, I can’t do that. Nor do I think I’d want to. The year wasn’t all bad, in fact there was a lot of joy and happiness to be had. But there was an awful lot of pain as well, misunderstandings, sadness and sorrow, growth and “learning opportunities,” too. I struggled a lot this past year, both emotionally and physically, and have come to realize that much of it – the emotional stuff – came from inside of me. So often I thought I had healed and was moving forward, stayingRead more …

Scavenger Hunting on the Riverfront

Aug 12, 2016 | Posted by in Life Before, Scavenger Hunt | 2

This Scavenger Hunt goes back to the before time, when W was alive. As often as we planned our weekend rambles, we also took unplanned forays into the wilds of St.Louis, exploring different neighborhoods and places just because we happened upon them. This was during one of those walkabouts, when, quite by accident, I saw a path that led down to the riverside. W was enamored of the barges and the river, and would often regale me with stories of St. Louis’s glory days as a river town while we sat on a bench in one of the derelict parks that line the river; of course we had to explore it close up. That’s how we ended up here. It’s also where I found this: ​ ​ A storm drain spewing water from the recent rains into the mighty Mississippi River. Do you think I could resist scoring a Scavenger Hunt, evenRead more …

A Coddiwomple Sunday

Aug 4, 2016 | Posted by in Life Before, Memes & Prompts, Scavenger Hunt | 3

Adam and I have re-established what used to be a staple of our free time, when W was alive: the Weekend Ramble. It starts with an idea, a curiosity, an inspiration, and goes from there. I can’t adequately express how much I enjoyed those days with my Guys, and how deeply I have missed them. I am a true Scavenger Hunter at heart, whether that means creating the Calendar Game, bringing the Alphabet Challenge, Rope on the Run and Boobies & Bondage concepts from Fetlife to my blog, playing along with the 12 Days of Christmas, trying every local pizza joint, or junk shopping and yard and estate sale-ing for that perfect side table to refurbish. And, of course, participating in the Scavenger Hunt here. But more than that, it was an opportunity to simply let the day flow around us; to allow serendipity to be our guide; to share inRead more …

Memory Lane

I’ve had the weekend to mostly to myself, while Adam’s been working and Viper has his family in town. It hasn’t been bad; I’ve found I enjoy my free time, as well the time I have alone here at the Treehouse. I have surprised myself by enjoying my quiet time, and by allowing myself to simply experience the solitude, to experience the occasional pang of loneliness and nostalgia without judgement, to be here, to be present. It’s a study in mindfulness I would not have thought possible a year ago, or even before W died, when being alone was something to be avoided at all costs. Now…sometimes…many times…I crave it. I like sleeping alone in my big, soft, bed. I like waking up and doing my morning things in the still dawn, with no one else’s needs or desires to think about. I like sitting on my deck with my dogRead more …

Emotional Flotsam

Jul 26, 2016 | Posted by in Being Poly, Life Before | 1

We’ve been going through a difficult time. I’m calling it growing pains – at nearly a year, many relationships go through a bout of it – but it could quickly devolve into a growing break if the issues are not addressed and resolved. Feeling restricted from writing here doesn’t make it any easier, as this was always my way of processing and finding resolution – and peace – with what are often roiling, uncomfortable, loud, disagreeable emotions. I don’t like being in the midst of that storm any more than the people around me enjoy being buffeted by it, and being able to write through the part where I want to stand up and scream my confusion, fury and distress has been my safety valve. I wondered recently why I never seemed to go through what I have put my loved ones – V in particular, but everyone is affectedRead more …

Take Two

Mar 22, 2016 | Posted by in Everyday Jade, Life Before | 7

I have been working on a long, depressing blog post for more than a month. This month marks a year since The Thing That Happened Last February. February 28th marks the last time I saw him alive, though he lived – hidden by his family from me – for another 23 days. It’s been a rough two months. I’ve written words about it these two months. Many of them, in fact. I’ve written words and cried tears and written more words. I’ve tried to write about other things, but those are the only words I’ve managed to write. And while I’ve done that, while I’ve struggled to make sense of a world that felt like it stopped in February of last year, the world has proved me wrong, and gone on. February is just another month, as is March. Warren was just another person who died. Lots of people diedRead more …

Day 11 – Keyboard, a TBT

Feb 12, 2016 | Posted by in 2016 February Photofest, Kinky Stuff, Life Before | 2

I’ve not often done the Throwback Thursday thing, and in truth mine isn’t the really cool way that Molly and Penny have done in the past, with re-shooting or re-editing (check out Re-Hunted and Reminiscent, to call out their latest TBT posts), but TBT has a different connotation for me – of course I am remembering and recalling things from Kink & Poly. Although I don’t write there any more, and have closed out that chapter of my life, it is still a huge part of my past, and I’d like to feature posts from there occasionally. Throwback Thursday makes sense to me as a day to do that, and I’m thinking of creating a category for them. It’s a way to honor the past…without having to live in it. So… Enough heavy stuff! On to…my image for this day’s prompt from V: keyboard. (See, a way to tie in theRead more …