Life Before

Q is for Quarterflash

Anyone remember the song “Harden My Heart” by Quarterflash? https://youtu.be/Aqd61YG-P10Damn but it’s a great song. I thought so then, and I still do. I like songs of women standing up to asshole men. Walking away when they aren’t treated right. I haven’t known very many of that kind of man, actually. I’ve been blessed with a surfeit of good men in my life, even my exes, except for one: my first husband. And yet I was wild about that man(child). Crazy in love with him, and he with me, except when he was drinking hard alcohol. Then he was obsessed with me, insanely jealous, and I was afraid of him. I don’t think of him often, but that song was playing in some bar or restaurant the other night and for just those few moments I was transported back in time – jesus, more than thirty years ago. I wasRead more …

G is for Goodbye

Apr 7, 2018 | Posted by in A-Z Blogging Challenge, Life Before | 2

“Goodbye Norma Jean,” in particular. Why that? Well. Let me tell you. I’d been flailing about for a few days, reaching for, and never quite finding, a good “G” word. Of course there is “Gratitude.” And that is always an important one for me to muse on, to internalize, to write and think about. But…every other word so far has felt like…inspiration. A gift, urging me to write, in a time when writing hasn’t been a thing. How do I explain it, when a thing is so important to you…when it’s such an integral part of you that imagining it gone is inconceivable…and then it is. Gone. Just like that. A neat, precise incision cut out of your very center, like with an apple corer. A hole punched in you. That was how my writing has been for me. Until just these last few days. I don’t know what itRead more …

A is for Arousal

Reading Marie of Rebel’s Notes’ Sinful Sunday post today reminded me that April is the month for the A-Z Blogging Challenge. I participated one year a few years ago, and another year we played our own A-Z blogging game, our public-rope-themed Alphabet Challenge (which was way more fun than any three people should be allowed to have together, and gave me so many wonderful memories with W – all chronicled in my then-blog, Kink and Poly.) I am still awed by the sheer volume of writings I did there, by the friends I made through that blog, by the way it not only chronicled our lives – W’s, Ad’s and mine, as well as my children’s and others who we came into contact with – through the years, but by the way it informed our lives together. It was, in the way that a location sometimes becomes a character of its own inRead more …

Of Subdrop & Self-Care

Dec 5, 2017 | Posted by in Being Poly, Kinky Stuff, Life Before, Relationship Stuff | 2

Whoa…it’s been awhile since I’ve had a bona fide case of subdrop. Long enough that I can’t really remember when it last was. I didn’t even drop after the event a few weekends ago, when I spent two full days and nights with both guys, got cut on, and beat up, and made to fuck a dragon cock in public while Viper shoved a glass dildo up my ass. Oh, and I happened to be wrapped up tight in neon pink vet-wrap so that I looked like an amputee. With a ballgag in my mouth and vet-wrap over my eyes too, up on a table where a dungeon full of kinksters could watch as I was made to fuck myself silly, grinding helplessly against Baldy, the dragon cock in my pussy and V pushing the glass wand in and out of my ass. It’s that part that is most embarrassing,Read more …

Memory Lane

Nov 1, 2017 | Posted by in Life Before, Wicked Wednesday | 15

I have resisted all week in writing about this week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt: “Memory Lane”. But I couldn’t keep my mind from going there. Such a dangerous place to go for me. Even thinking about it sends a quiver of dread, of anxiety, through me. I live with my memories – with the pain of them – so close to the surface, even now. Today, for some unknown reason, as I typed “November 1” in a document, my breath caught, tears blinded me. I don’t know why, or what triggered the response. I’m afraid to look back, to search for the source of the pain. I keep thinking, berating myself, “Aren’t you the fuck over it yet?” And yet I know I’m not. I have dozens of Scavenger Hunts that I – we – completed…but I can’t bring myself to post them. Even now, almost three years on, I justRead more …

Sleeping Single in a Double Bed

Oct 2, 2017 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade, Life Before | 0

I love my bed. My bedroom is not quite the sanctuary that the one in the Treehouse was, though it’s getting there. But my bed! Newly purchased for this new space (the iron canopy wouldn’t fit), with a new comforter and (as usual) more pillows than any human has a right to, I LOVE snuggling down into it, burrowing myself into the pillows and blankets or starfishing and sleeping crooked. It’s hard to get out of bed in the morning. Not just cuz I’m sleepy, but because I don’t want to leave the comfort and sweetness of my bed. Mostly, I sleep there alone. In all the seven years that I was with W, I maybe slept alone three times. I was always with one or the other or both. And I loved it. I hated sleeping alone. But now…now I sleep alone more often than not, and most often,Read more …

Dirty Innocence

I laughed a bit to myself when I decided to post this for Sinful Sunday. I mean, it’s just not all that sinful, right? And yet…I find the image oddly sexy and yet comforting at the same time. This is me, now – this is my dirty-girl-ness, so unlike it was back then, when I masturbated on a dirty, grimy floor while W pissed on me.  And yet, sitting on the deck overlooking my little city yard, cooling off after spending the morning on my hands and knees gardening, I am happy. Yes, happy and content with my life. There’s a little more to this story, I suppose. I sent this to my new guy, the Romantic, maybe I shall call him, who is at least nominally vanilla. I guess at some point I need to fill ya’ll in on what’s been going on on that front. But for now, sufficeRead more …

Looking Forward, Looking Back

Jan 3, 2017 | Posted by in Everyday Jade, Life Before, Wicked Wednesday | 9

For a few years of Kink & Poly, I did a “First Line” retrospective, where, for my first post of the New Year, I quoted the first line of the first post each month of the previous year, sometimes interjecting a note here or there about it, or about where I was now in regards to it. Obviously, this year, I can’t do that. Nor do I think I’d want to. The year wasn’t all bad, in fact there was a lot of joy and happiness to be had. But there was an awful lot of pain as well, misunderstandings, sadness and sorrow, growth and “learning opportunities,” too. I struggled a lot this past year, both emotionally and physically, and have come to realize that much of it – the emotional stuff – came from inside of me. So often I thought I had healed and was moving forward, stayingRead more …

Scavenger Hunting on the Riverfront

Aug 12, 2016 | Posted by in Life Before, Scavenger Hunt | 2

This Scavenger Hunt goes back to the before time, when W was alive. As often as we planned our weekend rambles, we also took unplanned forays into the wilds of St.Louis, exploring different neighborhoods and places just because we happened upon them. This was during one of those walkabouts, when, quite by accident, I saw a path that led down to the riverside. W was enamored of the barges and the river, and would often regale me with stories of St. Louis’s glory days as a river town while we sat on a bench in one of the derelict parks that line the river; of course we had to explore it close up. That’s how we ended up here. It’s also where I found this: ​ ​ A storm drain spewing water from the recent rains into the mighty Mississippi River. Do you think I could resist scoring a Scavenger Hunt, evenRead more …

A Coddiwomple Sunday

Aug 4, 2016 | Posted by in Life Before, Memes & Prompts, Scavenger Hunt | 3

Adam and I have re-established what used to be a staple of our free time, when W was alive: the Weekend Ramble. It starts with an idea, a curiosity, an inspiration, and goes from there. I can’t adequately express how much I enjoyed those days with my Guys, and how deeply I have missed them. I am a true Scavenger Hunter at heart, whether that means creating the Calendar Game, bringing the Alphabet Challenge, Rope on the Run and Boobies & Bondage concepts from Fetlife to my blog, playing along with the 12 Days of Christmas, trying every local pizza joint, or junk shopping and yard and estate sale-ing for that perfect side table to refurbish. And, of course, participating in the Scavenger Hunt here. But more than that, it was an opportunity to simply let the day flow around us; to allow serendipity to be our guide; to share inRead more …