Life Before

Memory Lane

I’ve had the weekend to mostly to myself, while Adam’s been working and Viper has his family in town. It hasn’t been bad; I’ve found I enjoy my free time, as well the time I have alone here at the Treehouse. I have surprised myself by enjoying my quiet time, and by allowing myself to simply experience the solitude, to experience the occasional pang of loneliness and nostalgia without judgement, to be here, to be present. It’s a study in mindfulness I would not have thought possible a year ago, or even before W died, when being alone was something to be avoided at all costs. Now…sometimes…many times…I crave it. I like sleeping alone in my big, soft, bed. I like waking up and doing my morning things in the still dawn, with no one else’s needs or desires to think about. I like sitting on my deck with my dogRead more …

Emotional Flotsam

Jul 26, 2016 | Posted by in Being Poly, Life Before | 1

We’ve been going through a difficult time. I’m calling it growing pains – at nearly a year, many relationships go through a bout of it – but it could quickly devolve into a growing break if the issues are not addressed and resolved. Feeling restricted from writing here doesn’t make it any easier, as this was always my way of processing and finding resolution – and peace – with what are often roiling, uncomfortable, loud, disagreeable emotions. I don’t like being in the midst of that storm any more than the people around me enjoy being buffeted by it, and being able to write through the part where I want to stand up and scream my confusion, fury and distress has been my safety valve. I wondered recently why I never seemed to go through what I have put my loved ones – V in particular, but everyone is affectedRead more …

Take Two

Mar 22, 2016 | Posted by in Everyday Jade, Life Before | 7

I have been working on a long, depressing blog post for more than a month. This month marks a year since The Thing That Happened Last February. February 28th marks the last time I saw him alive, though he lived – hidden by his family from me – for another 23 days. It’s been a rough two months. I’ve written words about it these two months. Many of them, in fact. I’ve written words and cried tears and written more words. I’ve tried to write about other things, but those are the only words I’ve managed to write. And while I’ve done that, while I’ve struggled to make sense of a world that felt like it stopped in February of last year, the world has proved me wrong, and gone on. February is just another month, as is March. Warren was just another person who died. Lots of people diedRead more …

Day 11 – Keyboard, a TBT

Feb 12, 2016 | Posted by in 2016 February Photofest, Kinky Stuff, Life Before | 2

I’ve not often done the Throwback Thursday thing, and in truth mine isn’t the really cool way that Molly and Penny have done in the past, with re-shooting or re-editing (check out Re-Hunted and Reminiscent, to call out their latest TBT posts), but TBT has a different connotation for me – of course I am remembering and recalling things from Kink & Poly. Although I don’t write there any more, and have closed out that chapter of my life, it is still a huge part of my past, and I’d like to feature posts from there occasionally. Throwback Thursday makes sense to me as a day to do that, and I’m thinking of creating a category for them. It’s a way to honor the past…without having to live in it. So… Enough heavy stuff! On to…my image for this day’s prompt from V: keyboard. (See, a way to tie in theRead more …

Turning Corners

Jan 22, 2016 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade, Life Before | 9

I’m feeling some need to bring you, my dear readers, up-to-date on my life. I have received so many kind notes, emails and comments, and I feel truly blessed by the kindness of strangers, and those not so strange, alike. I am humbled by it, to be truthful. I know most of you that followed K&P are now aware of the tragedy that befell our little triad last year. And some of you have seen as I’ve stumbled forward, one halting step at a time, into a new life. It was not the one I had chosen, and I can also say that it wasn’t the one that I wanted, although “wanting” is a moving target. Does wanting this life now mean that I’m glad I don’t have the other? Does being happy now mean I’m happy without W? I don’t think so, but I still struggle with these feelingsRead more …

Word Play

Dec 24, 2015 | Posted by in Kinky Stuff, Life Before | 0

It’s been awhile since I’ve had to think about how I define myself, about the meaning of certain words that we, as a community, use to define our roles; as well as (and sometimes as opposed to) how we, as individuals, define and label ourselves. I’ve always been a proponent of using labels – as a starting point. Humans need to be able to communicate with words, especially as so much communication takes place in text and as so much of our lifestyle depends on the definitions of roles. One way to embark on effective communication about who you are is to find a word to use as a starting point and discuss what it means to you, individually, and how that mirrors – or differs from – their definition. Thus, labels. W and I had several years to discuss, hash out and refine what we meant when we saidRead more …

Blurred Lines

Dec 24, 2015 | Posted by in Everyday Jade, Kinky Stuff, Life Before | 0

Who am I without him? No, I am not asking in the way that I did in those first dark days when the question was actually, “how do I live my life without him in it”…I’m asking it as an honest exploration of self, of what it means to be me…me without him to reflect off of, me with only myself to answer to, me as a woman, as a submissive, as a kinky person, as an “s” without a “D”. As a single submissive. How much of what I desired, of what I wanted in BDSM and in sex, was really wanted I wanted, as opposed to what he wanted? I wanted what he wanted. I wanted to be what he wanted me to be. I was a reflection of his desire, of his need, of his Dominance. I was the creature he had created. That is what itRead more …

Lessons Everywhere

Dec 24, 2015 | Posted by in Everyday Jade, Life Before | 0

This morning a friend on FB sent me an an article, The Grief of Pain. Beautiful, tragic, poignant. Definitely worth the read. In it the author, a teacher, discusses the movie “Up” and its theme of coming to terms with grief with his students, even as he himself learns to deal with tragedy in his own life. This: “…overcoming grief is not about forgetting the past ever happened, thereby erasing what had come before. Instead, the process of grieving is meant to teach us how to fashion a new life in altered circumstances — one that is not less meaningful, just different. The life after grief is not a shadow of what might have been, nor is it second best. The life after grief runs parallel to the life abandoned, and it is as full of beauty and tragedy as any other of the many lives we might have lived.” Wow, lessonsRead more …

Silence

Dec 24, 2015 | Posted by in Everyday Jade, Life Before | 0

I’ve written about silence a time or twelve in my blog before, but always in the context of the BDSM play…being gagged, being told to be silent. It was hot, it was exciting, it could be humiliating, it could be a huge turn-on. I loved it, because I love to talk, and having my voice taken from me is powerful. Since W’s death, silence has a new meaning for me. I used to work in silence, all day. When I worked from my home office, I never turned on the TV, didn’t play music and even kept the sound off on my laptop. There was no one home for 8 hours a day but me and the dog, and I didn’t visit with neighbors. Same thing when I was working at my old office. Coworkers referred to my office as my cave because I’d disappear into it and not comeRead more …

Holding a space for grief and peace at the same time

Dec 24, 2015 | Posted by in Life Before | 0

I’ve been invited to M & V’s house they just bought at the Lake of the Ozarks for the weekend, and I am sitting in my room here, looking out at my deck into the trees beyond, filled with gratitude for being allowed to experience this. It is so peaceful here. A balm to my raw, ragged emotions of the past few weeks. Tall, green trees surround the house, standing like sentinels, guarding this space, holding it still and safe. My bedroom looks out into their midst, my deck like a treehouse in the green. The water, just beyond, is like glass, the rising sun glimmering on its surface. There is an owl somewhere just beyond my bedroom, his voice mournful and inquisitive. Last night we went over to friends of theirs, on the other side of the lake. The busy side. It was fun, and I can see whatRead more …