Relationship Stuff

Wicked Wednesday – Losing Control

Nov 14, 2018 | Posted by in Everyday Jade, Relationship Stuff, Wicked Wednesday | 3

I love this topic. There are so many ways control – having it, losing it, giving it up, having it taken from me – lives large in my life. I love it, I need it, I want it; I want to give it up, want it taken from me, want to lose it. I am struggling all the time to gain it, to maintain it; control of my diet, of my daily habits, of myself is an on-going battle. In my relationship with V, I say “take it” and then I struggle against him and fight against losing the control that I say I want to give up. Control is, of course, at the heart of my D/s relationship with Viper. More than the sadism/masochism, more than the rough sex, being controlled is at the very deepest heart of my submission to him; it’s what makes me tick, what IRead more …

The Weekend at Kinky Kollege

Oct 31, 2018 | Posted by in Kinky Stuff, Relationship Stuff, Wicked Wednesday | 8

A Play-by-Play (sort of) Friday I have such a goddamned piss-poor memory. Here I am, at Kinky Kollege in Chicago, trying to remember if I have been to this event alone before. I remember doing a scene with my friend Bad Beast, and saying goodbye to him the next day…and I was alone then…so…I must have? But I don’t remember traveling up here or being here alone. So I’m confused. Was that the “Play to Red” scene time…I don’t think so. Mj was there. Adam and Warren were there. So no. So when was it? I am also remembering going to Cope alone. But also driving back from Cope with Viper. So…it must have been two different times. Did I play those other times, when I was alone? I don’t remember that either. Anyway, I’m here now, at Kinky Kollege (a twice a year kink con in Chicago) alone. Well,Read more …

Here and Gone

Oct 21, 2018 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade, Relationship Stuff | 0

Fall always creeps up on me, surprising me (though lord knows by now it shouldn’t) with its steadily decreasing sunlight, and bringing with it the gift of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). I feel querulous, easily-agitated and lethargic; I find it hard to focus at times and experience anxiety far more frequently; my sleep patterns are disrupted and the sleep I do get is usually broken. I’ve started taking a prescription at night again to help me sleep, something I haven’t done in months, although I feel like I want to stay in bed all day, every day. I’m on a combination of two meds, at a low dose, year-round. My previous primary and I had finally found a combination that didn’t mess with my sexual appetite or ability to orgasm, and was low enough that I didn’t feel zombified, so I’d be willing to take it year-round, instead of goingRead more …

A pause, a moment, a breath.

I woke this morning from a dream I had in which W was alive, only to remember that he wasn’t in the moments after I woke. That’s always a painful moment, when the realization hits – oh, wait, he’s not here anymore. This time, unlike some others when he has shown up in my dreams, I didn’t have the bittersweet joy – albeit short-lived, whist dreaming – of talking to him, of seeing him, of experiencing him alive once more, because in this dream I didn’t get to talk to him. I dreamed I was trying to each him via cell phone, but could not. I woke, reaching for my phone, to text him – “Call me!” Of course he never will. I don’t feel the overwhelming sadness at that thought that I used to, now. It comes with the understanding that our time has passed; that his time has.Read more …

Escape

Oct 6, 2018 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade, Relationship Stuff | 2

I wrote this earlier today, needing a break from menial tasks at work, and feeling by turns drained, frazzled & heartsick at the things that are happening politically in my country. I think, more than anything, I just want to escape that, I want this nightmare regime to be over, I want things to be better again. I want Trump and all his pussy-grabbing cronies to be gone. But the knowledge that Kavanaugh will certainly be confirmed means that they will have a hold on our world for much, much longer than it takes to oust Trump, and I am sick about it. The very worst that I feared from this election has come to pass. I am heartbroken and sickened. And I just want to escape. But, I realized, after coming home and working out and taking a nap and assessing my life, I don’t want to escape my life,Read more …

Time keeps on slipping, slipping…

Sep 28, 2018 | Posted by in Relationship Stuff | 1

And here it is almost a week since Ad walked out with my words in the air between us: “I can’t do this anymore. I need someone who will take the initiative in his own life, who will take agency to make the life that he wants and needs.” He asked to have some time on Sunday for us to talk. I know he has been working through what I said, what his feelings are and what he wants in his life — I was going to type, “I hope that’s me,” but that’s not exactly what I mean. I know he wants me. That’s never been in question. I want to know what he wants, for himself, for his life. And I want to know that he will and is making steps to make that so – even if it does not involve me. Anyway. Here I am on a FridayRead more …

All healing is first a healing of the heart

Sep 26, 2018 | Posted by in Relationship Stuff, Wicked Wednesday | 6

I can probably say I know a lot about healing. Not that I have suffered that much in my life. Seriously, I have been blessed in so many ways. But I have had to find a way to go on, as most of us do, after a tragedy. And I have found it. I believe I have found the path to healing because I have been so very blessed. To do anything else would be to throw the gifts of love and kindness and support away; to deny their power and importance in my life. And so, I find my way to a place of healing, even when I believe there is none.   This is truth, although, in the depths of being broken, I did not know it. I am better now than I ever was. Pain has sharpened my humility; sorrow has deepened my empathy. I am stronger,Read more …

Trainwrecks and Ravines

Sep 25, 2018 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade, Relationship Stuff | 2

I feel like, somewhere between last Friday and today, my life went completely off the rails, and I am left standing here, staring down at the wreckage of the train, smoking and twisted at the bottom of the ravine. It’s not that dramatic, of course. Well, it felt that way…and sometimes, still does, when I am stumbling and grasping for a handhold, for a way through this to the other side, and all I come up with is…a blank wall. Absolutely no idea how to make things better, how to turn things around. How to stop that train from derailing. It’s those moments when I just want this to be a normal Tuesday, when I might or might not text Adam to come over, or to meet me out. When my choices are between taking a nice long walk or being lazy and reading in bed, or maybe watching NetflixRead more …

Fractures

Sep 24, 2018 | Posted by in Being Poly, Relationship Stuff | 1

My heart is heavy this morning. I haven’t heard from Ad since he walked out Friday night saying, “I guess I’ve got some things to work out.” I had just finished telling him that I needed more from a relationship – from our relationship. I need someone that is enthusiastic about the world. Who has curiosity and passion, who has initiative and motivation to do the things that need doing in order to make his world better. I need someone who is passionate about love and loving and me. Who has sexual energy as well as intellectual energy. Somebody with ideas and opinions and who brings as much to the table as I do. Who is an active participant in our relationship, not just a passenger. I am not surprised I haven’t heard from him, and I am not expecting him to reach out to me, to try to solveRead more …

I don’t know where to go with this.

Sep 21, 2018 | Posted by in Relationship Stuff | 6

I’m not the kind of person that breaks up with a lover over and over, only to go back to them. Except fuck, yeah, I’ve tried to break up with Viper half a dozen times, and haven’t succeeded. But not with Adam. Adam and I broke up tonight. I’m not sure where or how to go from here.