Relationship Stuff

All healing is first a healing of the heart

Sep 26, 2018 | Posted by in Relationship Stuff, Wicked Wednesday | 6

I can probably say I know a lot about healing. Not that I have suffered that much in my life. Seriously, I have been blessed in so many ways. But I have had to find a way to go on, as most of us do, after a tragedy. And I have found it. I believe I have found the path to healing because I have been so very blessed. To do anything else would be to throw the gifts of love and kindness and support away; to deny their power and importance in my life. And so, I find my way to a place of healing, even when I believe there is none.   This is truth, although, in the depths of being broken, I did not know it. I am better now than I ever was. Pain has sharpened my humility; sorrow has deepened my empathy. I am stronger,Read more …

Trainwrecks and Ravines

Sep 25, 2018 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade, Relationship Stuff | 2

I feel like, somewhere between last Friday and today, my life went completely off the rails, and I am left standing here, staring down at the wreckage of the train, smoking and twisted at the bottom of the ravine. It’s not that dramatic, of course. Well, it felt that way…and sometimes, still does, when I am stumbling and grasping for a handhold, for a way through this to the other side, and all I come up with is…a blank wall. Absolutely no idea how to make things better, how to turn things around. How to stop that train from derailing. It’s those moments when I just want this to be a normal Tuesday, when I might or might not text Adam to come over, or to meet me out. When my choices are between taking a nice long walk or being lazy and reading in bed, or maybe watching NetflixRead more …

Fractures

Sep 24, 2018 | Posted by in Being Poly, Relationship Stuff | 1

My heart is heavy this morning. I haven’t heard from Ad since he walked out Friday night saying, “I guess I’ve got some things to work out.” I had just finished telling him that I needed more from a relationship – from our relationship. I need someone that is enthusiastic about the world. Who has curiosity and passion, who has initiative and motivation to do the things that need doing in order to make his world better. I need someone who is passionate about love and loving and me. Who has sexual energy as well as intellectual energy. Somebody with ideas and opinions and who brings as much to the table as I do. Who is an active participant in our relationship, not just a passenger. I am not surprised I haven’t heard from him, and I am not expecting him to reach out to me, to try to solveRead more …

I don’t know where to go with this.

Sep 21, 2018 | Posted by in Relationship Stuff | 6

I’m not the kind of person that breaks up with a lover over and over, only to go back to them. Except fuck, yeah, I’ve tried to break up with Viper half a dozen times, and haven’t succeeded. But not with Adam. Adam and I broke up tonight. I’m not sure where or how to go from here.

Someday…

“Someday” is a really hard concept for me. I have always been an “in the moment” person. Delayed gratification has never been my strong suit. One of my earliest memories is one I am ashamed of, and yet so epitomizes me in regards to delayed gratification. My “real” dad, my biological father, got to see me only every other Saturday, and even that my mom and stepdad did their best to ruin or minimize if they could. We’d go on some adventure, and then, on the way back to my mom’s, we’d split a Hershey bar. It was our special treat (and it is my favorite chocolate to this day.) On this Saturday, he was running late in getting me back to my mom. I didn’t know then what I  do now: any minor transgression my mom would report to the court, to use against my father to deny himRead more …

Twelve days between kisses

He actually said those words to me. Or, okay, typed them. But. I know, it’s not that freaking long. I mean, I really know.  I do not intend to imply that it’s anywhere near the kind of misery that people who have to endure weeks and months apart endure. Hell I was there when W had to go stay with his ailing mother for months on end. But… This feels different. I know, I know, I said something similar back then, when W and I struggled to stay connected through the long weeks of his absence. And, truth is, this is not the first time V and I have been separated for this length of time. It happened in the first 6 weeks that I knew him, as a matter of fact. But… This feels different. W and I had a very deep, very intimate D/s relationship. How I feltRead more …

Two Weeks-at-a-Glance

Jul 28, 2018 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade, Kinky Stuff, Relationship Stuff | 2

I started using a daily journaling app on my phone so I can quickly jot down what I do each day. Not journaling like here, but more bullet points to jog my memory. Or that I can refer back to when I’m struggling to remember what the heck I did last Thursday, or what happened on a certain play date (“Was that the time you made me push the ball around on the floor, or the time I had to roll the dice to see what implement you were going to use next?”) The cool thing is that it connects with my calendar, the gps on my phone, with Facebook and my photos app automatically. It has an activity feed that shows where I was when, and pulls in any FB posts or pictures I took, and then I review it, decide if I want to keep it, or atRead more …

Dear Younger Me…

Today is a better day. I woke up eager to write, in fact so much so that I left V’s house early so I could come in early to work to do so. I’d forgotten how much I like to be in the office before anyone else. Our hallway is dark, their offices too, this side of the building is quiet. It’s not that different when they are here, to be truthful, but without the extra bodies it’s just…peaceful. Oh, ha, I know why it feels good: it reminds me of working from home. It reminds me of getting up in the morning just at dawn in the Treehouse. I miss it there, sometimes. How colorful it was, how peaceful up there in the trees. I don’t miss not being able to walk everywhere; not having a wonderful park right in my neighborhood and the Botanical Gardens practically next door;Read more …

When even a massage doesn’t help.

May 31, 2018 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade, Relationship Stuff | 0

This evening my massage therapist asked me what I’d like to get out of my massage, and I said, in complete honesty, please just take me out of my head. I had had a rough day on multiple fronts, not the least of which was my car – after I had driven it away from the mechanic, supposedly fixed – doing the same thing that had gotten it towed to the mechanics in the first place. Back to the drawing board. There were other things, too, interpersonal things, relationship bullshit that I really think we should all just be beyond, and just general life crap. Sometimes, really? I want to just say fuck it and walk away. Unfortunately this tale doesn’t have a happy ending like, oh she was so amazing all my worries were massaged away! Nope, instead she chatted the entire massage. I’ve had her before and notRead more …

Moving along in the alphabet…

Sooo…I got as far as “U” before life intervened again and blogging fell by the wayside. I had actually written words up to “X” but just couldn’t find the time to edit images to go with them and actually get them posted. By now they feel outdated. So, maybe I will just do a wrap-up and leave it at that… But seriously. This has been my life: 7 am – wake 8 – 5 am – work 6 – whenever – work on O & E’s house 9 or 10 pm – home to bed This is the first evening I took off to do the things I need to do: plant my garden, spend time with Adam, think about something other than tasks and projects at O & E’s. It’s weird being this involved in the renovation, sale and purchase of homes that aren’t mine…that have been made veryRead more …