Tag Archives: noodling

Loneliness & Other Failures

Feb 22, 2016 | Posted by in 2016 February Photofest, Being Poly | 5

Loneliness is a hard nut to crack. It’s not as easy as “spend time with people” – I’ve spent a good part of my life lonely in the middle of a crowd. It’s not as easy as “spend time with your significant other” – I spent a good portion of my second marriage feeling lonely. Not even the old standby “you have to love yourself!” erases it – I don’t believe this is about loving myself or not. So what is it about? Why do I feel lonely sitting in a bar at a munch while everyone drinks and laughs and talks; or at a play party watching everyone around me engaging with each other joy and abandon? Why do I feel lonely at times as I lay next to a lover after play, physically satiated but filled with a longing I can’t place?¬†Why did I feel lonely last nightRead more …

Word Play

Dec 24, 2015 | Posted by in Kinky Stuff, Life Before | 0

It’s been awhile since I’ve had to think about how I define myself, about the meaning of certain words that we, as a community, use to define our roles; as well as (and sometimes as opposed to) how we, as individuals, define and label ourselves. I’ve always been a proponent of using labels – as a starting point. Humans need to be able to communicate with words, especially as so much communication takes place in text and as so much of our lifestyle depends on the definitions of roles. One way to embark on effective communication about who you are is to find a word to use as a starting point and discuss what it means to you, individually, and how that mirrors – or differs from – their definition. Thus, labels. W and I had several years to discuss, hash out and refine what we meant when we saidRead more …


Dec 24, 2015 | Posted by in Everyday Jade, Life Before | 0

I’ve written about silence a time or twelve in my blog before, but always in the context of the BDSM play…being gagged, being told to be silent. It was hot, it was exciting, it could be humiliating, it could be a huge turn-on. I loved it, because I love to talk, and having my voice taken from me is powerful. Since W’s death, silence has a new meaning for me. I used to work in silence, all day. When I worked from my home office, I never turned on the TV, didn’t play music and even kept the sound off on my laptop. There was no one home for 8 hours a day but me and the dog, and I didn’t visit with neighbors. Same thing when I was working at my old office. Coworkers referred to my office as my cave because I’d disappear into it and not comeRead more …

Being in the NOW

Dec 24, 2015 | Posted by in Everyday Jade, Life Before | 0

I don’t know how to stop thinking “what if.” What if we’d caught it sooner. What if I hadn’t gone to the dog house. What if I’d gone to the Urgent Care with him. What if I hadn’t been so busy, so distracted. And now I am caught in this maelstrom of regret and wishes-in-hindsight and “what-ifs”, when I am supposed to be in the NOW. Accepting that this is what is. This is our life now. But I just don’t know how to do that.