Tag Archives: relationships

I think I can.

Jul 20, 2017 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade | 2

I think I can do this. No, I really do. I think I can be happy. I think I can be content. I think I can accept what is, without pining for what is not. There’s been many times in the past – what’s it been, almost 2 years? – that I haven’t been sure of that. That I’ve doubted and wondered “why” and wished I was anywhere, in any other relationship(s), than the one(s) I am in. That it was all too hard, too complicated, too not-what-I-wanted out of my relationship(s). Out of my life. Sometimes I still feel that way. I love Viper and would be devastated not to have him in my life and I adore and crave the D/s dynamic we have created; I still love and appreciate Adam as much as I ever did (if not more so), even after almost 18 years; and IRead more …

Mountains, Rocks, Rolling Stones & Hummingbirds

Jan 28, 2017 | Posted by in Being Poly | 2

Adam is a rock. Warren was a rolling stone. V says he is a mountain. I’m a hummingbird. I have always said Adam is my rock. Stable and solid, safe and secure, but not immovable. It takes a good bit of effort, but I can nudge him this way and that, and even pick him up and carry him about if needed. He’s always there for me to fly home to when I need solidity and security. Warren was a rolling stone. Secure and strong, too, but more easily moved, and with the added bonus of being able/willing to initiate movement – to roll – on his own. Viper is, in his own words, a mountain. He’s the immovable center of the world around which his wife and daughter – and now me – live their lives, returning to succor in his steadfastness, knowing he cannot be moved or shaken.Read more …

Catching Up

Author’s note: I’ve started and stopped this post so many times, written and pondered and wanted to finish it and not done so time and again. I finally gave it up as too long ago to matter, but now here I am again, though the “why” I’m back revisiting family relationships and dynamics is different: I’m staying at my mom’s this week to keep her company while my stepdad goes back East to sit vigil on his youngest sister, who has been in a coma since a heart attack last week, and who was diagnosed with inoperable, stage 4 lung cancer the month that this trip happened. I had never met her before this and now…I have bonds to this family that weren’t mine until this trip. I’m struggling to disentangle my feelings about it all. So this post begins with my musings from yesterday about all this, and thenRead more …

Emotional Flotsam

Jul 26, 2016 | Posted by in Being Poly, Life Before | 1

We’ve been going through a difficult time. I’m calling it growing pains – at nearly a year, many relationships go through a bout of it – but it could quickly devolve into a growing break if the issues are not addressed and resolved. Feeling restricted from writing here doesn’t make it any easier, as this was always my way of processing and finding resolution – and peace – with what are often roiling, uncomfortable, loud, disagreeable emotions. I don’t like being in the midst of that storm any more than the people around me enjoy being buffeted by it, and being able to write through the part where I want to stand up and scream my confusion, fury and distress has been my safety valve. I wondered recently why I never seemed to go through what I have put my loved ones – V in particular, but everyone is affectedRead more …

Take Two

Mar 22, 2016 | Posted by in Everyday Jade, Life Before | 7

I have been working on a long, depressing blog post for more than a month. This month marks a year since The Thing That Happened Last February. February 28th marks the last time I saw him alive, though he lived – hidden by his family from me – for another 23 days. It’s been a rough two months. I’ve written words about it these two months. Many of them, in fact. I’ve written words and cried tears and written more words. I’ve tried to write about other things, but those are the only words I’ve managed to write. And while I’ve done that, while I’ve struggled to make sense of a world that felt like it stopped in February of last year, the world has proved me wrong, and gone on. February is just another month, as is March. Warren was just another person who died. Lots of people diedRead more …

Loneliness & Other Failures

Feb 22, 2016 | Posted by in 2016 February Photofest, Being Poly | 5

Loneliness is a hard nut to crack. It’s not as easy as “spend time with people” – I’ve spent a good part of my life lonely in the middle of a crowd. It’s not as easy as “spend time with your significant other” – I spent a good portion of my second marriage feeling lonely. Not even the old standby “you have to love yourself!” erases it – I don’t believe this is about loving myself or not. So what is it about? Why do I feel lonely sitting in a bar at a munch while everyone drinks and laughs and talks; or at a play party watching everyone around me engaging with each other joy and abandon? Why do I feel lonely at times as I lay next to a lover after play, physically satiated but filled with a longing I can’t place? Why did I feel lonely last nightRead more …

On Being Owned

Jan 23, 2016 | Posted by in Relationship Stuff | 4

I’ve talked about ownership and being owned a few times over the years over on Kink & Poly, what it meant to W and what it meant to me, within the context of our relationship. I think I distilled it down to its essence pretty well in “Owning My Sexuality as an Owned Slut,” as my sexuality was where W owned me the most. This is what I said there (originally in response to a thread on Fetlife that asked how you “prove” your sluthood – a stupid question, but one that actually made me think about what not means to call oneself a “slut” if you are owned.) I consider my sexuality to be “owned” by my BDSM partner. That is one of the tenets of W’s and my relationship. But, I do consider “owning my sexuality,” owning my identity as a sexual woman, with needs and desires ofRead more …

Turning Corners

Jan 22, 2016 | Posted by in Being Poly, Everyday Jade, Life Before | 9

I’m feeling some need to bring you, my dear readers, up-to-date on my life. I have received so many kind notes, emails and comments, and I feel truly blessed by the kindness of strangers, and those not so strange, alike. I am humbled by it, to be truthful. I know most of you that followed K&P are now aware of the tragedy that befell our little triad last year. And some of you have seen as I’ve stumbled forward, one halting step at a time, into a new life. It was not the one I had chosen, and I can also say that it wasn’t the one that I wanted, although “wanting” is a moving target. Does wanting this life now mean that I’m glad I don’t have the other? Does being happy now mean I’m happy without W? I don’t think so, but I still struggle with these feelingsRead more …